BEFORE YOU READ THIS CHAPTER I JUST WANT TO SAY IN ADVANCE HOW SORRY I AM!!!! 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
Trixie POV
While i sped to Brian's apartment, many thoughts were racing through my mind. What was i going to say? I wanted to say something. Say something deep, meaningful and true. But i didn't how to say it or what to say. It was annoying that i was like that. I wish i wasn't like that.
As i run to Brian's door, i take deep but quick breaths. I was actually worrying myself into a panic attack. "Shit." I breath, knocking on his door. I carry on taking my deep breaths until he opens the door.
Fuck. "Hey." I breathe. He looks at me. I forgot what a mess i looked. That was probably why i got so many looks as i ran up the stairs to get here. "I'm in my pyjamas. I forgot. I came as qu-"
"Come in." He turns to the side, letting me into his home.
"Shall i just start straight away? I haven't really thought about what i was going to say, but it'll come to me, it will come to me because it's so normal. You know? Talking about your feelings and-" His hand snakes around my neck and he presses his lips onto mine. We let go. "Shall i carry on?" I ask.
He rolls his eyes and throws his lips on mine again. We let go. "What about now?"
He sits on his couch. "You can carry on."
"I'm so fucking sorry, man. Like i can't explain how awful and terrible i felt since after... that happened up until right now and the whole time in between. All day and night for the last month i've been thinking about how awful i was. How much of a terrible boyfriend i was." My hands start to sweat, i hadn't planned this. I wasn't prepared with anything or what i wanted to say. "I- Do you... are we?"
"We're fine." He says.
"Are we... together?"
"You haven't said enough yet. Carry on wowing me." He leans back into the couch more.
"I would give up my whole life just to stop you from feeling an ounce of sadness. You mean everything and more to me. I think about you and smile. I close my eyes and see your face and i cringe at myself for being so gross but then think of how lucky i am. I'm so lucky to have someone to love. I'm so lucky to have you be the person i'm so fucking in love with. It's crazy. Absolutely crazy that i love you so much i can't even explain. I can't put it into fucking words- isn't that just so insane? I will understand," I close my eyes and think of what i was about to say and how much it hurt me, "If you don't want to be with me anymore. This past month has been so awful and has made me feel so empty but i will understand and support any decision you make. I don't want you to just... to waste your life on me."
"It's not wasting your life when you love someone." He says. "I couldn't stop if i tried. And i've tried. So many times."
"I can't sort out the Chris thing." I had to tell the truth. We can't push the matter away any longer. It was ruining our relationship. "It's always going to be there. He's always going to be there. I can't take away 10 years of marriage."
"I know. It's why we can't be together right now."
I take a deep breath. "I know." I say in a small whisper, tears filling my eyes.
"I just know that we can't be together when it's like this. I can't do that to myself." He stands up and walks towards me. He holds my hands. "If we never get together again, or if we fall out of love and into new relationships, i really want you to fucking know how much i love you in this moment. You are my whole world." His hands wrap around my waist. I couldn't fucking take it anymore.
I let the tears fall. It was my fault. All my fault. I should never have chosen him all those years ago. It was Brian- it was always Brian. Why have i let this happen? What if we never get together again? What if this was it? I will never forgive myself for messing this up. The one thing in my life that made me feel giddy and happy inside (apart from Jo), i had made disappear. No more cuddles in bed, no more kisses, no more dates, no more make outs, no more holding hands, no more long hugs, no more 'I love you's'. They were all gone and it was my fault.
I fall into his arms and we hug. I savoured it. I stayed in his embrace for as long as i could. I was so much taller than him yet i felt so small in his touch. I felt so fucking small.
"What are we then? Just Friends?" He asks, voice cracking with tears and hurt. We were both so hurt. Fuck.
My heart sinks. "Just Friends." I give in.
Just friends.
I just had broken up with Brian. I was never supposed to break up with Brian. What was i supposed to do now?
