Tragedy - Standing In The Dark - Lawson
“I’m sorry ma’am but your daughter has leukemia” tears started forming in my eyes as those words escaped the doctor’s lips. No! This can’t be! I… why her? No no no! Why is this happening to her? I can’t… I can’t comprehend why does this has to happen to her!
“No! Tell me you’re lying! Tell me that those were just growing pains! Tell me that my daughter does not have leukemia!” My voice cracked as I said those words. I cannot lose her! She is my life, she is the sole reason why I am still here, why I am still trying to survive, and she is the only reason why I am still alive. Without her my life would be meaningless, she is the only one that I have.
The doctor didn’t utter a single word. I wanted to shout, to get angry… but it all went away when my daughter wiped away my tears and smiled at me. The anger that I was feeling turned into fear… fear of what’s going to happen to her.
We went home that day and she went on with her life, just playing and watching her favorite TV shows. Watching her brought tears into my eyes because in the next few days, months, or even years I know that a lot of things will change and I am scared for those changes. I have no idea how the treatment of leukemia will affect her but I know that she will survive this! She has to survive!
Night fell and I was tucking her in bed “Mommy am I sick?” She asked me and hearing those words come out of her mouth just shattered my heart into millions of pieces. I didn’t know how to answer her and tears started flowing down my face and I didn’t realized it up until she wiped it away.
It is so hard for a mother to find out that her kid has cancer at such a young age. My world came crashing down when the doctor broke the news, I need, no, I have to be strong for her; I need to make her that everything is going to be okay, that this is just temporary and that every pain that she is feeling is just a part of growing up.
“Love, we will be going to the hospital more often now okay? But everything is going to be alright, mommy will be here for you holding your hands okay?” I said to her and I kissed her on top of her head and she flashed me a smile, a smile that just brought warmth into my heart.
I left her room and went into mine, and there I broke down into sobs. A lot of “what ifs” were running on my mind, what if I lose her? What if she doesn’t survive this? What if…
No! I cannot let these thoughts linger into my mind. I need to keep myself together; I cannot let her see me like this. I cannot let her see that I am weak; I need to be strong for her.
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“Mommy!” She cried out loud and I could hear the pain in her voice, I rushed to where she was and I saw her on the floor, curled up into a ball and tears flowing down her face.
No! This can’t be happening! I called 9-1-1 and in no time they arrived and we rushed her to the hospital.
When they started doing tests on her I already know what was happening but I was still holding on to that hope that it is not it that it is not back! For the past 2 years she has been living as a cancer free patient; she has been living like a normal kid, not worrying about any medication that she has to drink and not worrying about going to the hospital and doing tests. Her life was just getting back on track but then… then all of a sudden it is going to come back?
Seeing her suffer for a year was so painful to witness. Every tear that escaped her eyes sent daggers into my heart. It is excruciating to feel so helpless, not being able to help your own child and wishing that it was you instead of her.
Though, the most painful thing that I have ever felt was when she asked me if she was going to be okay after her chemo’s done. It was really hard for me to answer that question because with cancer you can never be too sure with your fate. So, the only thing that I could tell her that time was that everything’s going to be okay and that I will be here for her, holding her hand no matter what.
“I’m sorry ma’am but her leukemia is back and it is spreading rapidly. We are going to need to start her chemo right away and we have to intensify her therapy…” my mind just went blank after hearing those words. I was already expecting this but I can never be ready for this kind of news. I can never be ready to hear that my daughter is on the verge of dying. If I could just switch places with her I would do it in just a snap! But, I can’t…
I went into her room and sat on the edge of the bed.
“Mommy am I sick again? Do we have to go back here again every month?” she asked me. I couldn’t find my voice to tell her the truth of what was happening. I do not want her to lose hope because right now that is the only thing that I, or rather, we are holding onto.
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Three months have gone by and the effects of the chemo on her was much harsher that is why her doctors decided that it will be best for her if she stays at the hospital.
For the past three months she has lost so much weight, she also lost her appetite which is why I had to force feed her so that it does not hurt when she vomits. She also lost that spark that she always have in her eyes, the way her face radiates like the morning sun and it pains me so much because I could see that she was slowly losing strength and hope was running low.
Seeing her in that situation hurts so much… no words can ever describe how much pain I am in right now.
“Mommy I’m tired” she whispered
“I know love! You go to sleep now okay? Mommy will be here holding you tightly until you wake up.” She nodded her head and I planted a kiss on top of her head. I was trying to hold back the tears but it slowly flowed down my cheeks.
“I love you mommy!” she uttered as she closed her eyes and a sob escaped my lips as I whispered “I love you too”
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Standing in the dark inside her room brought back so many memories of her and I couldn’t help but tear up at those thoughts.
“Mommy! I need to give you something!” she shouted excitedly as I entered her room. I sat down beside her on the bed and she gave me a letter
I opened the letter and started reading it out loud “Dear Mommy, thank you so much for everything. Thank you for always being here for me. And I am sorry for being the reason why you have been crying a lot lately. I love you so much”
I looked at her and my sight was blurry from the tears and she hugged me.
“Love, you don’t have to be sorry about anything! You know that I cry a lot! Remember that time when we saw a dead bird and I started tearing up and you started laughing at me?” I said while chuckling
“Oh yeah! Hahaha! I remember that I had to pull you away from there!” she started laughing out loud and that was the last time that I have ever heard her laughed her heart out
If I can just turn back the time, the time when she was still here with me. Losing her hurts so much and I really really miss her.
I wanted to feel her touch, hear her voice and I wanted to see her smile again, the smile that just brings warmth into my heart. I would trade anything and everything that I have just to spend another day with her.
Love, I am letting you go. Things will never be the same without you but I know that everything will be alright because I know that you will still be here with me.
I felt a gushed of wind that brought me joy and comfort. Her face that was always full of bliss flashed right before my eyes and I know for sure that she was here. I didn’t notice that a smile slithered across my face. Now, I know that she is happy now and she wants me to feel the same way as her, so I am letting go of everything that is holding me back of truly moving on from the pain.
It is tough but I know that she will always be my little angel and she will always be in my heart.
