If I'm Louder; A Harry Styles fanfic

chapter 43

“Come on Darcy you have to eat something.” I say to the stubborn child. She shakes her head again when I bring the food to her lips. “If you eat we can go see Austin and grams later today.” I brib her. She hesitates for a moment then shakes her head. “What do you want then? You have to eat some time.” I sigh.

She beings to cry. I heave her out of the high chair placing her on my knee and bouncing her lightly to calm her. But it doesn’t help like it normally does. Maybe because when I would bounce her Harry would sing a sweet lullaby to her. “Do you miss Daddy? Is that what’s wrong hunny?” I ask. Her sobs settle, she looks up at me and nods.

I pull her close to my chest to sooth her. “I miss him too.” I whisper quietly.

*

“Anne? Would it be okay if I dropped Darcy off, she’s been crying for him all day.” I say into the phone. “Actually dear he flew to the US ahead of the boys last night.” She tells me. “Darcy won’t even eat for me.” I tell her. “You can bring her over and I’ll ring him so she can at least hear him.” Anne suggests. “We’ll be over shortly.”

* Anne takes Darcy into the kitchen with the laptop. Harry had told her it was okay to Skype him. From the den I could hear Darcy’s giggles of delight as Harry appeared on the screen.

They talk with Harry for about an hour then Anne walks into the room with Darcy in tow. “He asks to speak with you.” She says looking at me intently.

It was time to face my demons. It’s been over two months since the fight with Barbie bitch. We haven’t talked since then so I might as well talk now. I nod to Anne as I rise to go into the kitchen.

“Robin, how about we take Darcy for some ice cream.” Anne suggests to give me some privacy. She looks to me for approval. “Go ahead.” I say smiling to Darcy.

I pull the laptop to me, sitting down at the table. Harry looked like he had been dragged to hell and back. He had lost a lot of weight. His skin slightly discolored, they had piled make up on his cheeks to make them look semi normal. His curls were laying flat on his head.

“You look like shit.” I say with a snort. He chuckles. “I could say the same to you.” He retorts. I admit ever since the break-up my look had gone downhill. I had lost a few pounds, my skin was lighter thab usual, but I was far from looking like Harry.

“I miss you.” He whispers quietly. I heave a sigh. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t talk like that anymore I just wanted you to know that I still love you.” He says playing with his honey fingers.

“Don’t be sorry for loving someone. I’m not sorry for loving you then.” I say to him. He looks up to me through the computer. “Then? You don’t love me now? I knew this was a bad idea. I can’t believe mum talked me into talking to you.” He says getting angry.

“Harry calm down. I didn’t mean it like that. I still do love you, its just… I mean…. After all this shit we’ve been through…” I trail. He sits there breathing hard. “Please Harry, settle down.” I whisper. He nods slightly.

“You know, I’m miserable with Abby. All she wants is sex. I want to just talk and she throws herself at me every second we are together.” Harry tells me sadly. “You had that before Harry.” I say lowly.

“Like they say, you don’t know what you got til its gone. I didn’t know that you were what I actually wanted and needed until after you were long gone.” He says.

He does the one thing he’s best at. He begins to sing.

“You’ve warned me that you were gonna leave

I never thought that you would really go

I was blind but baby now I see

Broke your heart but now I know

That I was being such a fool

And I didn’t deserve you.”

He was singing one of my favorite Jonas Brothers song, Can’t have You. He knew how much I loved the song, and somehow it managed to fit what we are going through spot on.

“I don’t wanna fall asleep

‘Cause I don’t know if I’ll get up

And I don’t wanna cause a scene

But I’m dying without your love.

Begging to hear your voice

Tell me you love me too

‘Cause I’d rather just be alone

If I know that I can’t have you.

Looking at the letter that you left

Wondering if I’ll ever get you back

Dreaming about when I’ll see you next

Knowing that I never will forget

That I was being such a fool

And I still don’t deserve you.”

He sings the song with such meaning. It amazes me. I begin to sing along, knowing that I mean every word to the song, but does he?

I don’t wanna fall asleep

‘Cause I don’t know if I’ll get up

And I don’t wanna cause a scene

‘Cause I’m dying without your love, yeah

Begging to hear your voice

Tell me you love me too

‘Cause I’d rather just be alone

If I know that I can’t have you

Harry stops there, but I keep singing.

So tell me what we’re fighting for

‘Cause we know that the truth means so much more

‘Cause you would if you could, don’t lie

‘Cause I’ll give everything that I’ve got left

To show you I mean what I have said

I know I was such a fool but I can’t live without you

He echos the last verse. “I was such a fool for letting someone as amazing as you go.” He whispers to me. “Beautiful things never last.” I say suddenly remembering the song i heard just a few months ago after Harry and I had fought. “We could make them last you know.” He says quietly. I nod. “I want to be with you, i just…” I trail. My tears escape me. 

“Don’t cry, baby. Please don’t cry.” he says trying to sooth me. “I can’t help it Harry! I feel so much for you, but you just threw all of that away for one stupid girl.” I say to him. “I’ll give you everything that I’ve got left to show you that I mean it this time. I can’t live without you.” he says pleading with me.

A drop in the ocean

A change in the weather

I was praying that you and me might end up together

It’s like wishing for rain as I stand in the desert

But I’m holding you closer than most ‘cause you are my heaven

You are my heaven

“Forever and Always babe.” he says signing off of Skype.