Searching the Darkness

Chapter Thirty Five: Tomorrow and On

I heard the door slam as Cas left for work. He hadn't said a word to me since the night before. I sat on the edge of my bed, my face buried in my hands. "What have I done?" I don't know how long I sat there, not moving and all alone with my thoughts. I finally pulled out my cellphone to call the one person who might've been able to help.

"Hello?"

"Sammy, I need some advice..."

Sam screeched in excitement. "Oh, my God! I know where you're going with this, and I'm telling you that I am 150% in!"

"Sam, you don't–"

He ignored me, continuing to talk. "First of all, you need to plan the atmosphere! You want him to be surprised, so you don't want to go somewhere too fancy and make it obvious."

"Sam–" I tried again.

"Dean, shut up and let me think. I got it! You need to take him to the place where you had your first date. Where did you... it was the old park right? The one by the house?"

"Yeah, but–"

"Perfect. Then you need to plan the dinner. He doesn't have any allergies, right?"

"Well, blueberries, but that's not–"

"Okay, so that won't be a problem. See how easy this is? I don't know why you didn't do it sooner," he accused me.

"Sam, shut up and listen!" I exploded.

My brother huffed in annoyance. "Fine. I'll be quiet."

"I'm not going to propose." Sam made a noise of protest, but didn't say anything. "I-I need your help to... to break up with him."

"What?" his voice was barely audible. "But Dean, you–"

"I know, Sammy, I know. But I don't want this to be any harder than it already will be. How can I break it off without breaking him?"

Sam was struggling to find his words. "Dean... why... where did this come from? What happened?"

I closed my eyes, "Cas proposed last night. I-I couldn't accept." Sam didn't speak for what seemed like years. "You just gonna pretend like you're not there?" I asked, my voice sounding miles away.

Sam exhaled sharply, and I could hear other students in the background. "Why did you say no?"

"You know why..." I sighed, holding the phone tighter. "I can't let him take care of me for the rest of his life."

"There's nothing wrong with asking for help!" Sam said angrily. "You both would be taking care of each other. Stop feeling sorry for yourself so you can be happy!"

I shook my head. "Sammy, I'm a burden."

"Where did that come from?" I was silent. "Huh?"

"Back off, Sam," I growled.

"No! What is keeping you from happiness? Was it Dad?" he asked softly. My breath caught in my throat. "What did he do?"

"Sam, you don't want to know."

He shook his head. "Tell me."

I took a deep breath. "Dad came to me saying that we were going for a car ride. Do you remember the car rides we used to go on before the accident? Blasting Zeppelin, not a care in the world... I was on cloud nine in that car with Dad," I paused for a moment, smiling at the memories. "It had been so long since it was just me and him. But... there was no music. It was silent the whole time until Dad pulled over and said, 'Get out.' And I did. Then I heard him say, 'Find your own way home.' And he drove away. I thought he was kidding, I thought he was coming back because Dad wouldn't leave me... I waited for hours, Sammy. He didn't come back." My throat began constricting. "I couldn't do it. I was so overwhelmed by everything... Dad leaving me, the noise, the sheer helplessness and vulnerability..." I shook my head, tears snaking down my cheeks. "An older couple walked me home. I lied and told them I had wandered away. I felt ashamed when I walked in that door. Dad told me to stop crying and that he did that for a reason. He said, 'People aren't going to be there for you, Dean. You gotta take care of yourself. Don't be a burden.'" My voice cracked. "So he did it again and again... and again... and again..." I tried to stifle a sob. "I can't do that again."

"Do what?" he asked quietly.

"Be so dependent on people. I was so helpless... scared... a burden."

Sam furiously shook his head. "Dean, you are the most independent person I know. Look, what Dad did was bullshit and we are going to talk about it later, but right now you need to talk to Cas. He thinks that you don't love him. You need to talk to him before you miss your chance," he sighed. "This isn't something that is just going to undo itself. Don't let what Dad did destroy your life."

"Sammy, I... I don't want him to have to–"

"Dean, there is no way you could make Cas do anything he doesn't want to. He's probably even more stubborn than you."

I sighed. "I don't know what to do, Sam."

My brother shook his head. "How do you feel about Cas?"

"Honestly, he's the best thing that's ever happened to me. I love him so much, Sammy."

"Then tell him that! Let him make his own decisions. Like I said, you would be taking care of each other. Dad is gone, so don't use him as an excuse to wallow in your self-pity."

I nodded. "I'll try..."

***

The bell to the Coffeehouse jingled as I pushed open the door. I heard the barista sigh in annoyance because the shop was supposed to close in just a couple of minutes. "Hi, Cas..." I said softly. His breath hitched before he ducked beneath the counter. "Cas, I know you're there. Look, you don't have to talk. Just listen." I took a deep breath. "I'm afraid, Cas. Afraid that if I fall again, I won't be able to get back up. When I lost my sight, I thought it was the end. I didn't think that I'd be able to accomplish anything in my life, much less meet someone like you. I feel like a burden to you and to everyone around. I want your face to be the first thing that I see every morning, and the last thing every evening. But that's impossible, and I'm trying to accept that. There is so much I need to tell you... So much we need to go over. But we're family. I need you. And Castiel, I want to marry you." I set the ring on the counter before tucking my hands back into my pockets.

"Dean..." Cas said, standing up. "Wait," he noticed the ring. "Dean, is this a Cheerio?"

I turned scarlet. "I-I didn't have a ring... Look, it was either that or a doughnut." I heard a soft crunch. "Cas, stop eating my ring."

"I'm not," he mumbled.

"Cas," I crossed my arms.

"Okay, fine. But I've been working for hours and I haven't been able to eat anything. I'm hungry," he defended. "Let me close up, Dean, and we'll talk." I nodded, exiting the shop and sitting down on one of the benches nearby. A few minutes later, Cas came out of the Coffeehouse and sat next to me. "So..."

"I'm so sorry, Cas," I said. "I just... I don't know why you want to be with me."

Cas sighed, "Because, Dean, you are the first thing I see in the morning and the last thing at night. You're witty and absolutely gorgeous and I... I don't know, I guess I'm not sure how someone like you would go for someone like me."

"Fair enough," I smirked. Cas punched my arm. "Ow! I was kidding, Cas!"

"I know," he replied smugly. "I just like punching you."

I closed my eyes and sighed. "I'm sorry, Cas."

"Well, you know what?" Cas smiled.

"What?"

"You'll have the rest of your life to make it up to me."