Right Where You Left It

Done

As I stand up in the front of the church singing in the choir, as my mother pointlessly extends the song, I look to the other teens standing up there with me, and I think "Are we done yet?"

We began a few years ago, we didn't know each other and we didn't want to. But one conversation made it so we both wanted more. I defied your expectations, and you defied mine. I don't think I ever said it, but I always wanted to "fix" you, because to me you were broken, and incomplete. I wanted to make you whole, I felt like I could make you better, but you were fine being as you were. I could not wrap my mind around it, I couldn't comprehend it. How could you be content as a lone puzzle piece, and not part of a larger whole?

I never understood you, and to this day I don't, you flip from being mature and grounded, and flop to brash and impulsive. The many dimensions of you might be the 8th wonder of the world, more limitless than a black hole in space. I drove myself insane trying to reach the bottom. Trying to create an algorithm, trying to uncover it all. Trying to understand you. And just when I thought I did, there was always more.

When it reached the peak, you were overwhelmed and withdrew. And this was when I realized my insanity. The anger, bitterness, obsession, and anxiety stirred up in me. I never knew I could be so malicious. I let you consume my mind in a way that was unhealthy. And denial ran river deep.

But as you know, what goes up must come down. The more time that passed, the more the fire you ignited, cooled. I began to accept that you were gone, and that I may never get to unravel the mystery that is you, and it's not my job to. I realized, that you haven't either. And that's ok.

I think it's good that you left, for both of us. You took time to evaluate what's important to you, and I abruptly ended my spiraling descent into madness. I hit refresh, and my slate is wiped clean.

But, just when I thought it was the end...you knocked, and I answered.

We're at a shaky start again, and we don't know where it will go, but something lets me know, that we're not done yet. Even if we thought we were.