Right Where You Left It

Because

I'm awkward.

You may or may not be able to tell from the way that I write because here, I seem confident, don't I? Well, I am...a little bit.

To tell the truth, when I finish high school I want to be a performer, and many people may say that if I'm a performer, then I can't be awkward, but that's not true. There are many performers that claim to be awkward, but they are awkward in a very endearing way. Me, not so much.

I know that I tend to undercut myself a lot, but that's because me as a person tend to focus more on the negative things than on the positive ones because that's usually what I'm exposed to.

I can't stand when people tell me that I can do something, then go out of their way to make me feel like I can't. Even my parents mostly focus on the negative things, they always talk about the things that I'm doing wrong, and I am constantly humiliated for my actions, but I can never speak to them about it because, if we ever talk about something serious, then I cannot have an opinion, it will just instantly be invalidated. The reason I'm always undercutting myself is because I'm used to being undercut.

SAD

Social Anxiety Disorder

That's the name of the mental disorder that I have. I genuinely fear interacting with other humans because I honestly fear rejection and criticism. I have heard so much of it in my life that I have come to doubt the abilities that I KNOW I have. I am intelligent, I am creative, I can think very quickly on my feet, I am a natural born leader, and I am very talented. And sometimes I doubt that. Why? Because my mom gets down on me because I'm 16 and I don't know how to get to 42nd St by myself, because I choose to trust my friends when I want to go somewhere, because I got red hair, and she would've never thought to do that in a million years.

Because I'm stupid

Because I'm ugly

Because I'm not smart enough

Because I'm not talented enough

Because I can't

.....

Because I can't

Because I'm not

Because I can't flawlessly apply eyeliner, because I can't dance like no one is watching, because I can't do anything without asking for approval, because I can't grow perfect eyebrows; because I'm not a famous YouTuber, because I can't get a thousand followers on twitter, because I can't write an award-winning story, because I can't get more reads on Wattpad, because I'm not popular, because I can't get a scholarship, because I can't understand the words being said to me, because I can't stop being a loser, because...

Because I can't do anything right

*Sigh*

Thank you for listening, because now that I've got that out of my brain, perhaps I can finally start living what I truly believe.

That despite what I can't and despite what I'm not, the reality is...

I can...

Because I am