Right Where You Left It

Good Girls

I would never way that I wish I was a boy.

You will never hear me say that. Girls are more attractive, we often smell better, love better, and just do it better. Clearly we are the superior gender.

But I'll save that for a later time. One thing I hate about us is the way we deal with our anger.

Me personally, I am SUPER sensitive, and I hurt SUPER easily. So I can take even the most light-hearted comments to the heart, in a negative or a positive way. I dont know if that's you, but that is me. Another thing about me that you may be able to relate to is that something in my brain makes me think that I have to be untouchable, and that if I show vulnerability (which trust me, I have a LOT of) that I will be seen as weak.

I've lived all the way up to this very point in time with that mentality, and until just recently when I started meeting with my counselor at school did I realize why people treat me the way that they do.

See, going all the way back to elementary school people have kinda hated me, and it's only now that I see that my fear of being called weak may be why.

Nobody wants to chill with or open up to someone who looks like they have the perfect life when their lives are falling to pieces. I don't seem relatable. I can understand why people may think that. Now, at least.

All this time, when my mother used to tell me that I carried myself in a way that made it look like I thought I was "greater than", I could never understand, because I've always believed that I was so much LESS than. I have accepted this idea of the concept of strenhth as the truth, that if I cried, no one would like me, or if I told people my problems, or what goes on in my head, they would look at me funny. That if I only stuck to the plan I had prepared that nothing could go wrong.

This is what makes me the bad guy.

The way I deal with my anger, is not good. I admit to that now. People can continuously ask me if I am ok, and will always say yes, even when I KNOW the answer is "no". If someone hurts me, even in the slightest way I will hold onto it, letting it fester and mold until it has serious effects on my mental and physical health.

This year I recently lost treasures in my lives in an awful tragedy. This is when I began to have panic attacks. The first one was on April 4, this year. All I can say is that due to state testing I was forced into a very uncomfortable situation in the lunchroom, where I locked myself in a bathroom stall to get a grip on myself and my emotions. And in an instant a sudden immense, and overly intense wave of fear, dread, trepidation, distress, and anxiety all wrapped into one. Stinging tears ran down my face as I sat on the bathroom floor as silent screams left my mouth. I had never felt more disgust or hatred for myself in my entire life.

I had another one over the summer and another on Thanksgiving and one on December 9th.

Ever felt like someone took your lungs into their hands and squeezed them with all their might? Not a chance in hell in taking any oxygen? That's what it feels like to me.

Fear of being the bad guy has always gotten the better of me, and I don't know what to say anymore.

I believe that I have these attacks because I hurt. Like, I am currently hurting. And instead of saying, "hey, you hurt me" I take to here and throw subs, or spill the tea about that person in the bathroom, using nicknames so people don t know who I'm talking about. Anger does not exist for me.

Only hurt.

Last chapter I said that I would begin to practice #GirlLove, but I only said that because someone was bugging me about my subs. I say it now because I genuinely feel that instead of talking shit, I should talk about it.

I am strong, but I hurt too, don't think different, I'm just like you.

And then maybe I can be a good guy now :)