The Beginning (GxG)

Chapter 67

-JAMIE'S P.O.V-

      It's dark again.
    I'm sitting on the bench next to dad again.
"I wanted to see you but I didn't really want it to be this way, Jamie."
"What's going on?"
"Well.. I just want to tell you that I'm here. I can see you slowly giving up, Jamie. Why?"
"It's so hard.. I am trying. I'm so tried.. I'm doing everything to make sure they don't notice."
"And you hide it so well. Too well. Baby, you need help. Let them help you. Let me help you"
"I'm trying, Dad. It hurts constantly."
"You've been lying to yourself about the pain since the beginning, Bird. You need more help than you're getting."
"I don't want to believe it. I am trying to fight on my own. I hate looking like a weak, useless waste of space."
"Jamie, it's time you wake up and ask for the proper help."
"What will she think of me? Leave me again because of my constant sicknesses? Again."
"Have you not gotten my messages? Your future?"
"The dreams?"
"Yes, Jamie. I'm trying to give you more reasons to fight. Showing you your future."
"So the dreams.. they're real?"
"Yes. But they will slip from you if you don't wake up and fight. Ask for what you need and it will be given."
"I need you."
"I'm already here."
    I sighed.
"Will this be the last visit?"
"I don't want to see your pretty face til you're well passed 80."
"I love you."
"I love you too, Bird. Time to go. Wake up."
    Wake up.. Wake up.. wake up.

"Wake up for me, baby. Wake up for me.."
"I'm here..." I choke out.
     I hear her cry in relief.
"Thank you... thank you."
"What happened?" Though dad have me an idea.
"You lied to me." Her voice stern.
    I felt tears sting against my cheeks.
"I'm sorry..." my heart sank to the look she had in her eyes.
    She looks away from me. My mom speaks up.
"Why?"
"I..." I covered my face and started sobbing. My heart was racing and the monitor kept beeping faster.
"Jamie calm down." My mom slips into the bed with me.
    It hurts that Lynn wasn't even near me. Didn't even look at me.
"I thought I could take it.. I thought I could take the pain do I lied... everyone was so happy.. I just wanted you guys to be happy.."  I pause.
"I thought I could deal with it.." I take my hands from my face and look at mom.
"I thought.. I thought I could take the pain... I just wanted to make you happy.. to keep you from worrying."
    Everything was silent for a moment. I could hear Lynn crying but she still refused to look at me. She was going to leave. She..
"Air." She got up and walked out.
"NO" but I was too late.
"I'm so sorry.. I'm so sorry.." I started shaking.
"I'm so.."
"I'm.."
    The taste of iron grew heavy in my mouth with each passing second. My world was growing dark around the edges and engulfed me in. Timer for seizure resets.

    I woke up screaming. I just remember her walking out. It replayed until It was able to wake up.
   My mom laid next to me and held me. I held on to her tightly.
"She'll never forgive me." I bring words. "And I won't forgive myself."
    I soaked her shirt with tears.
"I'm sorry.. that I'm a fuck up. That I lied. That I .. I chased her away..and I hate myself for it.." I took a deep breath. "She was happy!! I didn't want to ruin it." I yelled against my mom. "Now she hates me.. I thought I could take the pain... I thought I could handle it myself. I THOUGHT I COULD DO IT." I was beginning to hyperventilate. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry.. it hurts so bad.. everything does, mommy. My veins.. My skin sometimes to the touch. My head always hurts.. everything hurts. And now... My heart." I take in a deep breath. "Dad doesn't want to see me anymore.. But I want to die.. I can't....breathe. I can't. Without her."
    She cried, loudly. I hurt her just as much as anyone else. But Ly... She would never forgive me. And I won't forgive myself.
"You could have told someone. Anyone. Jamie. You could have said something. You sent your heart into stress. You died. In front of me, I watched my own daughter die. And in front of Lynn she has seen it twice."
    I cry harder to her words.
"You don't have to hate me... I hate myself enough as it is."
"I don't hate you."
"BUT SHE DOES. MY HEART AND SOUL HATES ME. AND I HATE ME!!!"
    My heart was racing fast again. I couldn't breathe anymore.
"I don't want to be here any more. I'm sorry mom.."
    I struggle out of her arms and fall to the floor. She gets up and runs to me.
"I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE ANYMORE. IT'S NOT WORTH IT."
    I may love my mom... But if I can't have Lynn.. life isn't worth living.
"Tell her I love her.. and I love you mom but I'm sorry.." I bashed my head on the floor.. once.. My vision blurred. Twice.. everything was fading.. until I fell over.. third times the charm.
    My mom's screams ringing in my ears was the last thing I could hear.

   
    Everything is dark. There is no light. Only the repeat of her saying "Air." Over and over and over.
     Watching her walk out of the room, over and over and over. If this is hell, they really are doing a great job. If this is hell, it is true to it's definition.
      The hate in her eyes before looking away. It flashes with every "Air." ..."Air." ... "Air." It burns in my memory, playing on loop.
     Killing yourself does land you in hell. Sorry to disappoint you, Dad. I just couldn't take it. Even if this is a billion times worse, at least she is free of my monstrosity.
     No more having to stress about my medical. No more having to care for me. No more pain for her. She will get over me. If she hates me as much as her eyes say, she will have no problem getting over me.
    My biggest regret.. besides lying.. is that I didn't get to tell her I loved her. But I'm sure mom told her... right?
    It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter because I'm in hell now. It doesn't matter because I no longer have to cause her pain. She can find someone better.
    Someone who doesn't live in the hospital for every injury. Someone who doesn't need to be taken care of like I did. Someone just.. better.
    The painful memory playing on a slow cycle. Never ends. Never stops. Just repeats.
     I feel all my pain amplified. I feel every ounce of burning through my veins. I feel the brokenness of my heart. I feel like my head is constantly open and there are knives scrapping against my brain.
      I feel no love. No warmth. No cold. I feel only pain and more pain.
    They were right. I should have told them. I should have. But Lynn was so happy.. She was happy with me. I didn't want to ruin it. But lying to her did that and more.
    She probably is already over me. It feels like I've been here forever. I deserve it. To feel the heartbreak over and over to her word. In the end... She don't feel burden anymore.
    She won't have to. She won't have to deal with me. Since I'm dead. It doesn't matter. She will move on.
    A tear sheds from my hell state. I smile for just a moment to the thought she will be happy again. And I won't be the burden to drag her down.
    But the pain returns as she walks out the door again. Her eyes flash before me again. The hatred makes my gut twist and makes me sick.
    I'm happy for her that she is able to move on. But I'm guessing that's the one upside to hell. The reminder that they're better off without you. But biggest pain is the reminder that they will be happy without you.
     She deserves to be happy. She deserves to be happy with someone else. Someone not as fucked up as me.
    She looks away. "Air." And walks out.
    She looks away. "Air." And walks out.
    She looks away. "Air." And walks out.
    She looks away. "Air." And walks out.
    She looks away. "Air." And walks out.
    Her eyes, the hatred.
    Her eyes, the hatred.
    Burning in my veins, breaking of my heart.
    Repeating never ending.
... I deserve this. I deserve this.
    I own the pain. Take full blame.
    My heart dying, over and over.
    This is my hell. This is my punishment.
    May she move on and be free. Be free of being chained down by me. Be free of it all.
    She moves on. Without me. She finds new love, that's not me.
    I wish her luck. And bid my farewell.
    Goodbye, Ly.
    I smile to the thought before watching her leave again. And it repeats. And repeats.
"Air."