The Kidnapper's Wife

58. After

The old Jade would have broken down at Connor's apology. She would have fallen apart at the sight of his tears. Honestly, even the Jade of three weeks ago probably would have. But not the Jade I am today.

I watch Connor stonily, not letting a muscle in my face move. If he notices that his antics aren't working, he doesn't show it, just continues to stare at his hands and cry. 

Finally, I get tired of watching him and decide to get started.

"So, was all of it a lie then? Our entire relationship, our entire marriage. Just a cover for you to find your next victim?"

Connor looks up, and his expression is one of genuine surprise. "A lie? No. Jade, please believe me. Nothing about our relationship, our marriage, our love was a lie. That's why I made all the plans so I could keep working and sending you the money. I knew what I was doing would hurt you but I wanted you to know that I was thinking about you. I wanted to give you everything that I could. Do whatever I could for you." 

"Well I'm so glad that the most you could give me in life was a pedophile husband and dirty money."

Connor looks crestfallen. "Jade, I-"

"No. No Connor. You don't get to weasel your way out of this one. You. Destroyed. My. Life. That's it. There is nothing else. I honestly wish I had never met you. You've ruined my purpose for living, my sense of trust, my goals and hopes and dreams. But more than that, you've ruined my day to day existence. I can't go outside without being assaulted by the press. I can't talk to my friends without seeing the pity in their eyes. I can't watch Abby without feeling a horrible fear about what you might have done to her when I wasn't watching, what she might not be telling me."

"I would never, ever-"

I laugh ironically, cutting him off again, "Oh wouldn't you Connor? Because I remember your fixation on Abby when you first met her. How unusually interested you seemed in becoming her friend."

"Because she was your niece! I wanted your whole family to like me!"

"And you're lying again, as usual. I don't know why I even came here today. If you aren't going to be real with me, then there's no point in being here."

I move to get up.

"Wait." 

Something in Connor's voice makes me pause, and he looks at me seriously.

"Okay. I'll be honest with you. As honest as I possibly can. You're right, you deserve that. After everything I've put you through, you deserve to know the truth. I won't try to hide what I did, or who I am anymore. If you want to talk, I'll tell you."

I sit back down.

"Answer my first question then. For real this time."

Connor eyes me, and I can't read his expression. "I know you think what I said was a lie, but it wasn't Jade. I loved you from the second I saw you in Whole Foods all the way up to when I left. It took me so long to go after another girl, and that was because of you. I was able to resist the temptation because I didn't want you to ever be unhappy. I didn't want to put you through it."

He pauses, looking me in the eye. "Recently, when I started realizing I couldn't resist the temptation anymore, I thought about leaving you. I thought maybe that would be the best way to cut ties from you and leave you out of the horrible person that I am. But then....the baby happened."

He turns his eyes down again. "When I found out you were pregnant, I was so angry. I had been planning, as I'm sure you now know, to run away with Anna for a long time by that point. Everything was ready. I just needed to groom Anna for leaving. And now there was this baby. And so I couldn't leave you. I couldn't do anything."

"For a while after I found out, I wondered if maybe it would be enough to change me. To have my own child, to focus on something else, a distraction. Kind of like you had been for so many years. But then I got scared. I got scared that you would have a little girl. And that I wouldn't be able to resist her. And that I would destroy my own child like I had destroyed every other thing in my life."

He's crying again, tears streaming down his face. "And so I became more sure than ever of what I needed to do. With Anna. I had to use her to get away from this child. I wouldn't let myself do that to you and to her."

"Jade...how is she? Or he? Do they have your beautiful eyes? Why didn't you bring them to see me? I guess I know the answer to that. It's probably best if they never meet their wretch of a father actually."

I'm momentarily shocked as I realize he doesn't know. Doesn't know what happened. Doesn't know there is no child for me to protect. 

I look down at my too flat belly and feel that familiar emotional pain spread through my body. The emptiness. The longing for that life that is no more. 

I don't want to tell him. I don't want to give him this, along with everything else. So instead I say nothing, I just put my mask back on and change the subject. 

"So you knowingly decided to destroy my life. You knew what would happen. You knew I would never be the same. You should have left me a year ago. Before the 'temptation became too great.' Then you could have left me out of it. I would have been moved on and you would have been long gone. So why didn't you? Let me answer that one for you Connor. You didn't leave me, not because you loved me or because of the baby, but because you needed me. You needed the cover that I provided."

I glare at him, working myself up.

"When Anna's parents started asking questions, you had me as a crutch. I fought for you, defended you from them. And they could only go so far, because, after all, you were married. It wasn't like you were a bachelor, posing a threat to their daughter. You had a happy marriage with a loving wife, why would you ever need anything else? So despite what they suspected, they couldn't fully convince themselves or go much further than suspicions because why would you, a happily married man, throw it all away on their precocious fourteen year old daughter?"