LGBTQIAP+ Milestones: Book 3

A Warning - Don't Do This

By Duff3000.

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Hey folks,

I have a story to tell you, but unlike many of the wonderful tales in this Milestones book, it is not heart-warming, it is not uplifting, it certainly isn't brave...no, it is a warning, plain and simple. I will write this as it comes to me, no editing, so please forgive me if it rambles in places, but know that it comes from the heart. Firstly, some facts, I'm in my 30's (so old, I know, sorry), have a husband and 2 children...alarm bells ringing already maybe...yeah, they should be. Other than my age, which is something I can't do much about lol, the above facts pretty much sum up the biggest mistake...maybe regret is better...of my life. I am trapped in a web of my own making. Right now, I have 2 things in my life that make it just about bearable, other than my kids (don't get me wrong, I love them to bits), I have just finished training to do a job I love, and, stupid as it may sound, I have this site.

The former is something to hold on to, but even though I love it I'm struggling so much because the rest of my life seems to be crumbling ever so slowly around me. It's happening so slowly no-one else can see it but me, but I can't see where the pieces will fall, and it terrifies me.I've never really cried whilst writing something before, well, maybe once, but that was to someone else on this site too...but I can feel it building right now, but I have to be careful not to get caught writing this, so I will try and keep it in. And therein lies my problem, keeping things inside. Since I was really young I've been over-anxious, scared to death of being judged, scared of what others think, which is why this is the most ridiculous thing I may or may not do...I've never been able to be me, never been able to show someone who I truly am, because I am literally terrified of even a complete stranger's reaction...and you know what, it fucking hurts, it is literally killing me inside, slowly but surely I am breaking and I don't know what to do.

So where does this site come in, well, a couple of months ago I hit a really low point, I don't even know what triggered it, but it was bad...and weird as it may seem, being able just to pour myself into some crappy stories I wrote really helped, you may think it's weird, but it's a welcome distraction from what's happening in my real world, like pure escapism. You know what else I found on this site though, an actual community of like-minded people (not necessarily like my mind, I mean to each other), regardless of background, race, nationality, gender, sexuality, all brought together by a love of reading and writing, and it is literally one of the best things in my life right now. You guys are amazing and I genuinely admire you all, how supportive you are, excited by new stories, etc.

Writing helps me cope and helps distract me, but unfortunately I know it won't be enough for ever, and I'll have to make a choice...but no matter what the question, my choice always revolves around me destroying 3 lives (my husband and kids) or 1 life, mine. I know which I'll choose, the numbers don't lie, or make sense any other way, but I don't know how long I can do it for.I guess what I'm saying is thanks you guys; whoever happens to have read one of my rambling, clichéd stories and got some enjoyment from them, or made a nice comment which meant the world to me, or made a nice, funny, supportive comment to someone else's awesome story, thank you. Don't ever, ever let anyone get you down or stop you from doing what you love, and don't fuck up your life like I have mine, be true to who you really are no matter how hard you find it at first.

I don't really know what else to say tbh, I know I have more to say but don't know how to say it...Recently I've done some really stupid things to myself, stupid as it sounds I did it to help me live, not to die...I'd never even done it before, but it was that or something worse...but it's not a way to cope, I know it, I really do.I've always known this, but denied it to myself for many and varied reasons, most of them centred around what people think and the overwhelming desire not to let people down, some of you are rolling your eyes and saying 'yeah, we get it, it's not that hard to say, it's not that big a deal' and I get that, but in my position it kind of is, and I'm sorry.

I'm gay.

Sorry if it's not a big deal for you, but I've spent 30 years hiding from it. Right now my whole body is shaking and I'm stopping the tears as my family are in the next room...literally FML. I have a plea to anyone who reads this and who, even for one second, contemplates just following what they think is expected of them, and playing the role that they think they should play...just don't, don't do it, it isn't worth it...please.I have spent my life feeling anxious, always worried about pleasing other people, worried about what they think of me, so much so that I would compromise pretty much everything to make them think well of me.

Chatting to an amazing person via this site, I told them that I've been anxious literally since I can remember, and I don't know why I'm doing this right now, I don't know what has changed, but (this is a literal quote of what I said) 'I think deep down I'm starting to panic that if I do what I know I'll end up doing, because it's the only way to keep other people happy and from me fucking up their lives, I won't ever have a chance myself' I know words have power, but I've never been so physically affected by a simple sentence. Their reply was to sum up exactly what I was trying to say, 'it's like you're at the point of no return'. That was literally like a punch in the gut, I actually stopped breathing and felt sick reading it. They were absolutely right, in so many ways...they felt bad for saying it like that, but they damn well shouldn't, they managed to sum it up in those few, terrifying words.

And it is absolutely, overwhelmingly terrifying, because what if whatever I choose right now, that's it...It takes so much out of me to control every part of myself to fit in the role I've been playing...it is exhausting and soul destroying and diminishes me to the point that I'm like a walking shadow of myself, everything ends up being fake and false and I hate it, I feel like I've just given up on life but that it doesn't really matter because it's not my life anyway...and sometimes I can play the role quite well, like I almost believe it's true, that it's me, but then sometimes I'll take a step back and look at myself and I just feel so lost and alone.I've always looked at the world a lot from an outside perspective, like I have to try really hard to work people and things out, I find it hard to read between the lines, and so end up second guessing what people want and mean, and it just feeds into my whole problem, trying to make everyone else happy.

To anyone else who feels like they have to hide who they are and play a role, I guess what I'm saying is it breaks my heart that you have to accept it, and play the fake role, because I know how much it hurts inside to have to maintain it, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.I honestly feel right now that it really is too late for me so sort my shit show of a life out, I've made choices based on what I thought others would want, or what was expected of me, or so that I wouldn't be judged in any way shape or form, and I'm paying dearly for it, it has blown up in my face spectacularly, and I, as of right now, have no idea what to do...

But, what I really wanted to say, why I'm writing all this shit, and thanks for sticking with it, is that to those people who are also playing a role, or feel unable to be who they truly are, please, I am begging you, from the bottom of my heart and soul, if even one person can read this shit and understand, please do not just take it and play the role...it hurts, like a physical pain now. I'm not encouraging people to do anything reckless/spur of the moment, or that they are uncomfortable with or regret, but please find a way to not do what I've done, don't just accept the role expected of you, do not acquiesce to others expectations and judgements, it isn't worth it. In the end, you will spend your whole life with only one person, yourself, and if you've done what I've done you may think that even living with yourself isn't worth it...and that's a fucking bitter pill to swallow.

Wishing all you amazing people all the best for now and the future <3