LGBTQIAP+ Milestones: Book 3

What Am I?

By Anonymous

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I never wondered what sexuality I had. To me, I was always this heterosexual girl. I remember when I was about 6 years old, I would kiss girls in my class while the teacher wasn't looking, but I never thought it meant anything. On day, I overheard some of my family members talk about their disgust in people of the LGBTQ+ community, but still then I'd never felt concerned, because I didn't really know much about it. So I looked up what the LGBTQ+ community was, and found out a lot of stuff. Those researches were strictly for learning purposes. Looking back, I remember that, whenever my friends would crush on a guy, I would never have the same opinion as them. While they were drooling over a guy's six pack, I would look at girls and find them attractive. Even though I found girls attractive, it didn't mean I didn't find guys attractive either. I dated a guy for years and even after our breakup I still liked him, I guess it had something to do with the fact that he the first person I ever dated.One year, there was a new girl in my class, and I later found out that she was bisexual. Learning that switched something in me. Even if I found girls attractive, I'd never labeled myself as a lesbian or as a bisexual. That girl dated an other girl, but even though I still had a thing for my ex, I felt kind of jealous of those girls. I felt like they had found out who they were, while I was still wondering if I was really a heterosexual person. I later crushed on that new girl at the same time that I liked my ex. I felt so uncertain. I then learned what a pansexual person was, and I tried labelling myself as that, but it never felt like it was the right answer. I felt like I was just running away from my problems trying to find an easy solution. So I gave up on the labelling myself as pansexual.After a long time, I started labelling myself as bisexual, and to be honest, it felt as it was the right answer. But I would say that I prefer girls over guys.Even after this long time of questioning myself, nobody else knows about that. My friends, even my best friends, think that I am a straight girl, because I still do find some guy's attractive. My family, after having overheard them talk about their disgust on the LGBTQ+ community, still doesn't know and I'll say that even if I did find my true self, I'm still struggling because I feel like no one else know who my true self is...I'm waiting for the day I'll finally come out, but right now the only thing I've got is internet, because that's the only place I label myself in public as bisexual to people that don't know me and that I don't know either.