LGBTQIAP+ Milestones: Book 3

Just How I Feel (Lesbianism/Gender Confusion)

By Chloe

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Hello, my name is Chloe, and I'm a gay female. Same thing as a Lesbian, but I prefer the terminology gay. I'm a seventh grader, and I know that can be seen as a little young, but I am very sure of myself.

I'd love to start this story with the traditional, "As a kid I always knew I was different..." but I simply did not. As a kid (I still am a kid, but for the sake of the story 'kid/child' is 6-10) I never thought I was different. Sure, I knew I was a bit more boy-ish than most of the girls at my school, but I always thought that to just be me.

In a lot of these stories, and in coming out videos (I've seen a lot) people often mention remembering having crushes on/envying the same sex as a toddler (3-5), their truest form, but that was never the case for me. I remember having friend crushes on all different types of people, regardless of sex, race, age or size, but I was just never really attracted to anyone in a romantic way.

My cousin, Kara (name censored for privacy reasons) played a huge part in my self discovery. She was alway my best friend, apart from my sister that is. Kara and I had always been so close, even though she's about 10 years older than me. One day, me and my family were invited for a dinner by my mother's side of the family. I was about 7 at the time. We ate and Kara came out. It didn't register at the time, but I remember getting in the car for our trip back home and my father asking, "So, what do you think about Kara liking girls?" And I remember saying something along the lines of, "Well, I don't really care. Should I?" And my father replying with a, "No, no. That's good." I (well really my sister casually told her for me) recently came out to her, and she was extremely supportive. She simply looked over to me and gave me a thumbs up with a knowing grin. It warmed my heart and I'll never forget that.

During the sixth grade, I was really confused, but, to sort of experiment, kind of just made it known that I was bisexual, since it would be more simple to go to a new school (middle school) and have all these new people know. About half way through the sixth grade, when me and my sister were home alone, I stumbled back to her room and managed a, "Hey, can I tell you something?" She, of course said yes, and I blurted out a, "I kind of like boys and girls." She simply raised a fist for me to give her a fist bump. I obliged, and I've never felt so accepted.

Over the summer of sixth to seventh grade, I just kind of realized. I didn't have a specific moment, I just got to school and I didn't want to be known as bisexual. I was gay, and I knew that for a fact. Luckily, not many people knew me as bisexual in the first place, and people do ask me regularly, after me making a minuscule joke about being gay, or simple curiosity, "Wait, you like girls?" And I normally just kind of look around like 'where have you been?' And nod as I mumble something like, "Umm yeah" or "Did you think differently?"

Turning to a separate story in my self discovery, I've always felt very at home with she/her pronouns, but I've always felt very comfortable in male's clothes. Now, I am aware of the fact that some girls just like guy's clothing, but I've never truly felt comfortable in my skin. The only time I've ever came close is in a sports bra with a shirt big enough to make it look like I don't have boobs. My point is that I may want a binder, but I don't think my mom would buy me one.

I still have yet to come out to my parents, but I really want to tell my dad. He's really loving and he would accept me, but I know he would push me to tell my mother, and I'm just not ready to tell her. I'm sure he already knows. Not to be rude to myself, but it's kind of obvious. We joke around about it, as well. He calls me gay all the time and I just laugh and agree. He'll ask what I'm watching and I'll explain it and at the end say something like, "And, of course, you know for me to watch it it's got to be gay to some degree." And he'll say something like, "Well, that kind of goes with out saying." I just can't seem to form the words around him. One second I'm telling myself, "I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it." And then I just... don't.

I make it sound like my mother is a fag-hating Satan spawn, but she isn't. She just always says these things that hit hard, like "There's no such thing as bisexuals," or "Oh! I didn't realize being gay was cool now!" It's just really uncool and she says these things and never stops to think 'wait a minute! I might be offending someone in the room.' When ever I get something that has a rainbow or anything to do with pride on it she gives me this look that resembles 'wait a minute are you...? No. You couldn't be. You're my daughter.'

I'm not trying to say I have it hard, because I don't. I have it so much better than so many people, but I can't help but feel like there are complications. My grandparents would probably burn me at the stake if they ever knew, which they probably with know eventually, but I honestly don't care. I've never kissed a girl or a boy, and I've only ever had about 2 crushes, one of which I didn't realize was a crush at the time.

I'm very sure of myself, and I plan to come out to at least my dad soon. I hope you all enjoyed my story of self discovery, and you might just see me later in this book with a story about getting a binder and going to pride, but until then, I hope you all have a good life. Bye, friends.