Funny Random Things That Only Nigerians Will Understand(ProjectNigeriaUC2017)

LWKMD

The ATM
I wanted to use my ATM card but the machine kept on rejecting the card. A frustrated me called my bank help line.

Me: (angrily) So what's wrong with my ATM card?

Call girl : Sir, I have checked your
account, everything is alright here and You should be able to use your card, are you sure your card is not damaged or broken?

Me: Are you insane? What are
you insinuating? No one takes good care of their ATM
card like I do.

Call girl: Okay Sir, are you also
sure the surface isn't wet or stained with dirt?

Me: You dey mad? ATM card
wey I dey pet like egg. As a matter of fact, I even laminated it last week when I laminated my Identity card.

Comebacks
Dear ladies, if you are tired of those guys who keep on
inboxing you stupid questions, here are some few tips on how to answer them off:

Question: "Hey beautiful what are you busy with?"
Answer: "Looking for my engagement ring, lost it"

Q: "Hey gal can we meet?"
A: "Nope I'm 8 months pregnant, I can't meet anyone at this stage"

Q:"Can I know more about you?" A:"Sure I LOVE MONEY,please send me N5,000 MTN card"

Q: "Do u have a BF"?
A: "yes we have 2 kids & he is a soldier"

The Geography Teacher
A secondary school geography teacher went to drink at a beer parlour after school on Friday. His wife was at home waiting for
him to come back as usual. Past 4pm he's not yet back, so the wife thought he is staying for evening class.

8pm he is not yet back so the
wife became worried and alerted some friends. They all went to the school to find everywhere empty. They called the principal
and he said the man left for home immediately after school.

This made the wife to become more worried. It's now 11pm so
they went and reported to the police who joined in the search.

At about 2:30pm, they found the man sitting at a corner, awake and not sleeping. They reached to him and asked why he has refused to come home. He called
them a bunch of illiterates... "You lack knowledge in geography,.. since the earth rotates with everything in it, I decided to sit
here and wait for my house"

New Element Added To The Periodic Table
Name : Wife

Symbol : Wi

Atomic Weight : Don't Even Dare
To Ask!

Physical Properties : Boils at Anytime, Can Freeze at Anytime,
Melts if Handled with Love & Care, Very Bitter if Mishandled.!

Chemical Properties: Very Reactive, Highly Unstable, Posses Strong Affinity for Gold, Platinum, Clothes & Other Precious Items, Money Reducing Agent, Volatile when left Alone.

Occurrence: Mostly found in front of mirror.

IGBO TRADER WRITING WAEC EXAM
Ebuka told his Oga at the shop to please wait at the gate and pick him up after his WAEC Commerce exam at the Commercial Secondary School
where he registered. He was given Commerce Exam question paper and the only question
he could answer was question number 3 and it says: "Differentiate between a Warehouse and a Shop" (20marks).

After much thinking he smiled and wrote his answer as fast as he could: Warehouse is at Ojota while Shop is at Alaba market. Then he submitted his paper
and went to meet his Oga at the gate.

OGA: Ebuka, how far? How e be? EBUKA: E dey so simple Oga. Question number three say make
we differentiate between a warehouse and a shop.
OGA: Ehen-ehen...Wetin you come write?
EBUKA: hmmm. I write say "warehouse dey for Ojota and shop dey for Alaba.
OGA: So na the only thing wey you write be dat?
EBUKA: Yes Oga.
OGA: Chinekemee!!! U dey craze? Common go back & put the phone numbers and our complete address. Stupid boy! Na so dem take dey get customers.