Poems For Daniel

Thirty-One

The next day, Serene comforted me. My head was in her lap as I cried. We were on Serene's bed. "Why would he do that to me?" I sobbed. She stroked my hair as Josh walked in with ice cream, brownies, and cookies. "This is comfort food, right?" he asked. Serene nodded before grabbing a tub of ice cream. "Sit up," she patted my arm. I did so, wiping my tears. "He was probably just jealous," Serene spoke while handing me a brownie. "No! There was no excuse for him to do that to me! He hurt me, and he sat up there and he made love to me like what he did wasn't wrong!" I cried. "Safaree... Just calm down, okay?" Serene cooed. "Everything'll be fine. First, we're going to figure out what really happened to Daniel because Daniel is your first love, so he shall always come first and he never ever hurt you, and he's the only one who should matter... Then, we're going to focus on that small-minded, inconsiderate, insecure boy who we shall not name, okay?" she spoke softly and calmly. "Okay," I nodded while biting into the brownie. "Wipe your tears and greet Josh," she instructed. "Hey, Josh," I waved a small wave. "Hey, Safaree," he smiled slightly.. I continued eating my brownie as the doorbell rang. "I got it," Serene spoke before getting off of her bed and leaving the room. That left Josh and I in an awkward silence. We soon heard talking from the living room that was getting louder and louder. Josh and I looked at one another before walking toward the front door. "I just want to talk to her," the person spoke. "No, you've hurt her, and I'm making sure she doesn't get hurt again," Serene blocked him from getting in. "Yo, Man. I think you might want to go home," Josh spoke up. Jeremiah looked at him before his eyes averted to me...

"Safaree," he sighed. "Baby, I'm sorry." My heart dropped as I gazed into his pleading brown eyes. His eyebrows knitted as he fiddled with the fabric of an unbuttoned part at the end of his shirt. "Safaree, don't pay attention to him," Serene told me. Jeremiah and I just stared at each other as tears slipped from my eyes. "Baby... I'm so so sorry. I was stupid," he said. "Yep," Serene nodded. "I was being an insecure, inconsiderate, selfish asshole," he stared at me. "You're damn right," I said, more fire given off than I expected. "You fucking came up here like you didn't know what was wrong, but you knew! You knew! And, you were sitting there comforting me like you weren't the problem. And, you were telling me all this shit about how you love me, and you fuck me like it's going to take away the guilt you have, but it doesn't... It makes it worse, and now that we both know what the problem is, which is you, you want to fucking play victim. 'Baby, I'm sorry. Baby, I love you. Baby, you mean the world to me.' It's bullshit, Jeremiah! What you did was fucking childish and it hurt me! I think you need some growing up to do," I told him. "Can I come in?" he asked. "If you want me to kick your ass," Serene replied. I sighed... "Why'd you do it, J?" I asked. "I was jealous and angry. I mean, I never hear you talk about me as much as you talk about Daniel. And, you're still in love with him. How is that supposed to make me feel when we've given ourselves to each other, but you're in love with somebody else?" he asked. "You know I love you, Jeremiah," I spoke. "Oh.. Oh, you do now?" he began to approach me.  "Yo, Man," Josh held him back. "I tell you that I love you everyday, Jeremiah! What more do you want from me?" I asked. Jeremiah's face softened a bit before he gave a completely cold glare. "You know what? I'm just wasting my time," he shook his head. "You're wasting everybody's time, you insecure little b--." "Don't say it. Don't say it," he said. "You're an insecure little bitch, Jeremiah," I replied. "What are you going to do? Nothing."

He snatched his arm from Josh's hold before getting in my face. "I said I was fucking sorry, Safaree. You don't have to be a bitch about--." I pushed him away from me. "Safaree... Don't put your hands on me, Baby girl," he shook his head. "You're not going to do anything, Jeremiah," I pushed him again. I started to push him again, but he gripped my wrists. "I know I hurt you, and you know it's taking a lot in me not to fucking go off on you, but... this isn't going to solve anything," he said. "Neither is you writing 'dead' all over the fucking place, Jeremiah. You're so fucking childish and insecure and--." "You didn't even know him, Safaree! You didn't know him as much as you know me, yet... You love him like you two were married or something!" he shouted. I struggled to get out of his hold, and once I did, I punched his chest over and over again. He stood there and took it, and the fact that he looked so unfazed pissed me off even more. I wanted him to hurt as much as I did. I went harder and harder as tears of frustation and hurt sprung from my eyes. "I hate you! I hate you! I hate you," I cried as his cold expression melted into a look of sadness and regret. He took my fists into his hands as I continued crying. He stared at me before pulling me into his arms. "No, get off of me!" I cried. He resisted, his wrap on me tightening. My face was buried in his chest as I continued to sob. "I love you," he whispered weakly... "I hate you," I cried...

We stood and cried together. At that moment, I didn't really know whether or not Serene and Josh were still standing there, but it didn't really matter. That wasn't what was important... Once the crying was done, we sat down. I was in the recliner while he sat on the couch. We were silent for about half an hour before I decided to break the ice. "Why? Just why?" I asked. "I was just--." "No, no. Give me a legitimate reason why you did what you did," I demanded. He sighed, running his fingers through his hair, ruffing it up a bit. He mumbled. "I'm sorry. What?" I pushed my ear outward. "There's no reason why I should've done that. I was being very immature, and I'm sorry," he apologized. "No, I know you're sorry. You're a sorry ass nigga for doing that to me, Jeremiah," I spoke... "What made you think you could get away with it?" I asked. "I didn't think--." "Right. You didn't think. Because, if you were thinking, you would've thought about how this would hurt me. You would've thought about how guilty you would've felt for doing it. You would've thought about how the guilt would crush you and you would end up telling me anyway. And, you would've thought about how this would cause our relationship to lose its course," I replied. "Safaree--." "No, I'm talking. I, me, moi, yo. I'm talking," I told him. He sighed and leaned back so his back touched the cushioning of the couch..

I stared at him before cringing and looking away. "I can't even stand to look at you right now," I shook my head. "Are you done?" he asked. I didn't answer him mainly because I didn't want to entertain his bullshit. "Safaree... I wasn't trying to purposely hurt you. I was just trying to make you aware. I didn't think it'd be such a huge deal. It's just that... when you were out of the room, I got a little curious. I wanted to see what it was that Serene wanted you to read, and I just saw all this shit with Daniel's name all over the place... I got mad. I picked up a marker and I just wrote. I-I was just taking out my frustrations, Safaree. I didn't know what else to do in order to do that... It was stupid and immature and... it hurt you. I know it'll take us a few months, maybe a few decades, to get back to where we were, but I'm willing to work to gain your trust and respect and love again... I love you, Safaree and I really mean it. I really, really mean it, Baby. And, I'll admit, I have some growing to do. You've told me that before, but I've progressed though, right?" he asked. "A little bit," I mumbled. "A little bit," he smiled slightly and nodded. There was a pause...

"Look... I'll do anything it takes in order for us to become us again," he said. "Are you willing to start over?" I asked. He hesitantly nodded. "All the way from scratch, Jeremiah. No playing hard, no sexual passes," I began listing. "But, that's how we started," he replied. "We're starting from scratch... And, we both know how we really are, so I don't need you being how you were when we first met, okay?" I spoke. He nodded.. We both stood from our seats and walked toward the front door. He tried to hug me. "No, get off me," I pushed him back. "What? No hugs?" he questioned. "Yeah, no hugs," I shook my head. He sighed as I opened the door. He stepped onto the porch before facing me again. "So, this is it?" he asked. "This is it," I nodded. "Are we friends still?" he asked. "Were we actually friends before we went out?" I asked. A laugh slipped from his lips. "Valid point," he nodded. There was an awkward pause between us as he looked down for a few moments...

"No hugs?" he asked, looking up at me with teary eyes. My heart sank as I stared into those beautiful brown eyes. I stepped onto the porch with him and hugged his torso. He held me tightly and didn't let go for several moments. "I'm going to miss you so much, Safaree... I love you," he whispered. I rubbed his back comfortingly as he slowly pulled away. "Take care, Jeremiah," I wiped his tears. I kissed his cheek before stepping back inside and closing the door... I sighed as my back slid down against the door. "Safaree..." I looked up to see Josh. "Comfort food?" he handed me a tub of ice cream. I smiled slightly while taking the ice cream. "Thanks," I said...

"This will give him time to mature and grow, and this will give me time to live," I quoted Serene, making Josh smile... It was time to focus on what really matters, and that was me and my happiness...

And, finding out what happened to Daniel.