Poems For Daniel

Twenty-Eight

"Jeremiah," I spoke, sitting next to him on his couch as he ate cereal while attentively watching television. "Yeah?" he asked, his eyes never leaving the screen of the television. "I love you," I told him. "I love you too," he replied, continuing to eat. Usually, he'd say it while taking my hand into his and then reassure me with a kiss. My heart sank as I looked down and sighed. Jeremiah and I haven't been connecting as well as we were on New Year's.

These last few weeks have me feeling like I'm really getting Jeremiah's nerves. I'm not trying to, but I can't help but talk about Daniel. Every time I bring up Daniel, Jeremiah simply nods and absentmindedly adds little yeah's and uh-huh's. I know it hurts him; I just can't shut up. Until I know what's happened with Daniel, I probably will keep on blabbing off. And, I always do it mindlessly. It never occurs to me that he'll probably be annoyed until after I've said it. I always apologize, but at this point, sorry shouldn't count anymore...

"Jeremiah," I spoke again. "Yeah?" he asked once again, still not looking at me. "Look at me, please," my eyebrows knitted. He slowly did so, reluctant to tear his gaze from the television. Our eyes met. I just stared into his eyes. "What's up? What's wrong?" he inquired, a bit unemotional compared to how he'd usually be. "Can we talk?" I asked. "Sure," he muted the TV and placed his bowl on the coffee table. "Do you feel what I'm feeling right now?" I asked. He looked around for a bit before shaking his head. "No." "We're not connecting anymore, J. We were inseparable, and now, it's like we don't even talk anymore," I sighed. "We talk," he replied. "No. No, we don't, Jeremiah," I ran my fingers through my hair. He sighed...

"Okay, we don't talk, but.. the reason why is because every time we talk, you always bring up Daniel. I understand you still love him, but damn, Safaree! Am I not enough?" he asked, looking into my eyes. "J-Jeremy--." "No, no. Answer the question. I mean, you obsess over this guy day in and day out, and you've been doing it since you first told me about him... You talk about him all the fucking time, and I just think to myself, what if I just dropped dead? What if I just went ghost on you? Would you talk about me like you do him or would you just keep quiet about the both of us?" he asked. I avoided eye contact as tears began surfacing. "I'm sorry, J--." "Nah, don't say it. I swear to God if you say it, I'll--." "You'll what?" I looked up at him. He stared into my eyes for a couple of seconds before looking back at the television and unmuting it.

"Look at me, J," I whispered. He ignored me. "Jeremiah, please," tears fell down my cheeks. He turned up the volume. I angrily snatched the remote from him and turned off the TV. "Yo, I was watching that!" he shouted as I stood up. "Look at me, Jeremiah! I'm sorry! I'm so sorry," I cried. He stood, towering over me. He tried to take the remote from me. "No, stop," I snatched it from his grip. "Safaree, I'm not about to do this with you," he unemotionally spoke while avoiding eye contact and trying to take the remote again. "No, Jeremiah! Look into my eyes!" I shouted. He roughly snatched the remote from me before sitting back down. "Move out the way, Safaree," he simply spoke, still not looking at me. "I said I was sorry," I spoke. "Sorry might not count anymore," he mumbled. I stared at him before speaking. "Maybe you should stop being a little insecure bitch, and just deal with it, Jeremiah." "I've been dealing with it for long enough, Safaree," he replied before he patted my thigh, silently telling me to move out of his way. "Besides.. I was anything but a little insecure bitch last week, according to all that moaning you were doing," he said. I glared at him before picking up his bowl of milk and a few Fruity Pebbles. I poured it on him before simply setting the bowl back down on the coffee table. He looked up at me with angry eyes as I walked away, wiping my tears.

My arm was gripped roughly before my back was slammed against a wall. "You're fucking crazy!" he shouted at me. "Get off of me, Jeremiah!" I shouted back. "No, you're going to fucking listen to me, aight? How would you like it if I continuingly talked about my ex, huh? Let's talk about how beautiful and bad she was. Let's talk about how much my mama loved her. Let's talk about how cute her laugh was. Let's talk about how alive she made me feel. Let's talk about how good her head was, and how she loved to ride this dick. Let's talk about how--." "I thought you were a virgin before you met me," I whispered. "Maybe, I lied," he smirked. I slapped him. His jaw clenched as I backed away from him. He chuckled in a manner that I just knew he was upset. "Wow, so you can talk about everything under the sun when it comes to Daniel, but I can't talk about my ex? Wow, okay," he nodded. "You lied to me, Jeremiah," my eyebrows furrowed. He sighed while approaching me. He reached for my hand. "Look, Baby--." "No, don't touch me," I snatched my hand from his. "Safaree--." "No, get the fuck away from me," I pushed him away from me. "Listen--." "I don't have to listen to anything you have to say," I shook my head while continuing to back away. "Safaree," he gripped my arm roughly, setting a bit of fear into me. I looked into his eyes. "You see how it feels though, don't you? You feel how much it hurts, don't you?" he whispered. "Just let me go," I spoke just above a whisper.

"No," he pulled me close. He gazed into my eyes, his arms wrapping around my waist. "Jeremiah, please," I sighed. "Answer the question," he told me. I avoided eye contact. "So, you're not hurt by this? You're not moved at all?" he asked. I shook my head, silently saying "no." I was lying... "Okay... Lie if you want to," he pulled away from me while nodding. I stood awkwardly as he leaned against a wall. He whipped out his phone, typing away and scrolling for several minutes before slipping his phone back in his pocket... "You can leave if you want to, Baby," he motioned toward the door. "Why are you assuming that I want to leave?" I asked. "I mean, you wanted nothing to do with me just a few minutes ago, and then you're going to stand here and lie to my face," he said. I sighed. "If you want me to leave, just say so. Don't try to be slick about it," I spoke. "Who said I was trying to be slick about it?" he raised an eyebrow. "Don't play with me, Jeremiah," I sighed while waving my hand and shaking my head. I approached the coat rack. "I'm not playing with you. Why would I be playing with you?" he laughed. I simply rolled my eyes while putting on my coat. "I'll call you when I feel like you know how you feel about me," he pulled me close again. He kissed my forehead before opening the front door for me...

Later that night, I couldn't help but think about everything that took place earlier. How hurt he admitted to being and how hurt I was when he implied that he had lied to me. I tried calling him, but every time I tried, it went to voicemail. Maybe, he was serious when he said that he'd call me... I missed him though, and I wanted to talk to him more than anything. I wanted to see him more than anything...

"Facetime?" I texted him... There was no reply, and I even began to worry. I began worrying so much that the question that he asked me earlier popped into my head...

"What if I just dropped dead? What if I just went ghost on you? Would you talk about me like you do him or would you just keep quiet about the both of us?"

Those questions haunted me to sleep...

I didn't dream about Daniel that night.