Gravity

Chapter 33: Mistakes

Chapter 33

Mistakes

            "Excuse me?" His voice was harsh and I could feel his anger even being this many miles away.

            "No, I'm not going to do this," I lost my calm and steady voice as I felt the tears weld in my eyes.

            "What. The. Fuck." He growled causing me to instantly regret saying no.

            "I can't," my voice cracked and the tears began to fall. I clutched my stomach and took a deep breath attempting to stop the pain.

            "You don't get to say, 'I can't'." As he spoke I could see his angry presence in front of me and Rico was right alongside him. "You told me you were alone. You can't back out of this." My breathing faltered and my head was spinning. Why couldn't I just hit the end call button? I was numb and couldn't move. I knew what I needed to do, but I couldn't.

            "I didn't mean it like that..." I mumbled into the phone not hiding my pain. I missed the strong girl that was inside me, where was she when I needed her?

            "Fuck that," was the last I heard of him before he hanged up leaving me in a mess of emotions.

            I took a shaky breath before falling to the floor.

            "Fuck," I said to myself while biting my lip. I knew where my razor was, it was pushed to the back, underneath my bed, but I couldn't touch it. I wouldn't. I thought back to Joey. He told me to talk to him whenever I felt like this, but what was I going to say to him? Was I going to say that Azazel and I got in a fight, because I was an idiot and led him on and got him to believe that we could have phone sex and then I told him no and it pissed him off? I couldn't tell any of that to Joey, because I knew the side he'd take—Azazel's. The pain continued to grow and I knew I had to make it better.

            'I'm sorry', I typed to Azazel. I stared at the words for a while contemplating hitting send, but finally I went with my gut and did. But, it didn't help my pain in fact I just made it worse. I crawled into my bed and waited hours for a response. I had expected him to call me back, or to apologize as well, or to tell me it was okay. But, Azazel wasn't that type of guy.

            Two hours later I finally got a response. 'Good, u should b. doesn't matter anyways, im done.' I read over Azazel's message three times and it still didn't hit me what it meant.

            'Like we're just friends now?' My pain temporarily subsided to be replaced with confusion.

            'we were always just friends, now we r nothing. U r nothing.'

            I reread his message and allowed my phone to slide out of my hands which had turned numb. The pain was back, I was being stabbed all over again. But, this time it was a thousand times worse, because it was all in my mind.

            The steady throb of rejection continued to torment me. I needed a release. I needed to grab my razor and replace this heartache with a new pain, but I gripped my bed instead wanting to keep my promise. I breathed heavily and searched for my phone. I dialed Joey's number needing him more than ever, but I got voicemail.

            "Fuck," I screeched, my heart pounding against my chest. I couldn't think. I quickly got up and started to sprint my way over, but as I ran to Joey's I got a text. I looked at my phone eagerly expecting to see Joey, but instead it was Lauren.

            'Huge party, you coming?' I hesitated from responding. I knew better than to go to a party, I needed a release and I couldn't fall back into that trap. I needed to talk to Joey and clear my head before I did something stupid. But, before I could text back no she said, 'nearly everyone is coming'. I instantly perked up as I realized that had to mean Joey, because that made sense why he didn't answer his phone. I had to go if I wanted to see Joey; at least that's what I thought. However I should have went by Joey's first just to see if he was there, because as I would later find out he wouldn't be at the party to help drag myself out of my mess.