Gravity

Chapter 13: Totally Awesome

Chapter 13

Totally Awesome

As I watched the musical my stomach did flips. My throat closed up and I wanted to run out of the theatre, but I kept my focus on the stage. I wanted to be able to be up there. I wanted to be able to make all these people laugh. I wanted to be carefree, fun, happy. But, that seemed so hard for me to do. The last time I was carefree was with Azazel in the beginning of our relationship before I understood that he'd pick me up every single night at 2AM and that we'd smoke every night and that we'd drink every night and that when Azazel drank he became an asshole, as if he wasn't one before that.

But in the beginning of the relationship, I didn't know. I thought Azazel was perfect, hell I thought he was perfect till the relationship ended and I was no longer blind. I wanted it so badly to work out.

The first night he picked me up at 2AM it was freeing. I felt truly independent for the first time ever. To walk the streets that late in the night and to ride in a car going 100mph down an abandoned road gave me an adrenaline rush that I secretly loved. But, I only loved it the first time we did it. I only kept up with him, because I wanted that feeling back. I wanted to feel my heart pound against my chest and I wanted my mind to be blank besides trying to figure out if we were going to live. I put my whole trust in him and then he dropped it. That night was the same night I smoked for the first time. All the other times I had said no and he called me weak, but this time when he passed the blunt to me I took it. I wanted that feeling I had felt on the road to come back to me. And it did. But, it wouldn't come back ever again.

That night I was carefree, I was fun, I was happy.

But, I feared I could never be that again.

I tried to focus on the words everyone was saying, I had seen most of the musical already, but I had never seen it like this. They were alive and it was incredible to see them all in character. Especially Darren. As I heard the song Harry I couldn't help, but think that's how I felt with Darren. He took away my breath with just one look and if I could only get him to see, he's perfect for me. I took a deep breath and tried not to think about Azazel or Darren.

I turned to see Meredith grinning like always, but this time a little bigger. She was laughing at nearly every other line and I tried to laugh as well, but it was hard. Joey's scene where Ron kissed Hermione came up and though I had seen this scene a million times I had never seen it like this. Suddenly it clicked. Their chemistry on stage seemed real to me and the way Joey looked at her. When we were playing Never Have I Ever Joey put his finger down for having a crush on a friend, Bonnie was that friend. I was shocked, I hadn't seen it before. I made a mental note of mentioning it to Joey, but later because I didn't know if we were close enough yet. I hoped we were and I wanted us to be, but I didn't know.

The musical ended with a standing ovation. When Darren came out I made an extra effort to clap louder than I had before. As they dispersed off the stage I followed Meredith to the hallway so we could meet up with everyone. I saw Joe Walker and Brian Rosenthal first. Joe was still shirtless showing off his rock hard abs with his makeup on and Brian was still in his prisoner costume.

"You were brilliant!" I exclaimed and they grinned back.

"Really?" Rosenthal asked and I nodded.

"Yes! I was laughing the whole time!" Meredith answered and I just nodded in agreement.

"Guys!" Joey's voice made me ears perk up. "That was totally awesome!" I laughed at the reference.

"Yes, it was totally awesome," I agreed. He grinned at me and I wanted to ask him about Bonnie right then, but I knew I couldn't.