H2O | ✔

Chapter Thirty-Seven : I remembered

"Now I have come to understand,

The way it is,

It's not a secret anymore,

'cause we've been through that before"

Xander

18 weeks after Mesi woke up...

Casey said I didn't have to do it. Go back to school, I mean. She said she would understand if I wanted to try online school or switch schools, or anything else. She said that we would figure it out, I just had to say the word. I thanked her for caring, but told her that it was something I had to do. If I didn't go back then, I might never. If I never went back, I would lose happy memories along with the sad ones. I would lose so many memories of Sam.

So I took a deep breath as I put on my clothes that morning, feeling like I would throw up at any moment. There was this hollow pit in my stomach that was more than dread, more than fear. It was icky and gross and made me feel like curling in on myself and never straightening back out. It made me want to close my eyes and never open them again. It made me wish I didn't even exist, just so I didn't have to face my current situation.

Gulping down the wave of tears that were threatening to fall out of the eyes I was squeezing shut, I tried desperately to think of something else. Anything else. I thought of breakfast, and Jake and Gabe, and soccer. I thought about working out in the weight room, and found myself hunched over, gasping for air. It was like the thought of being there again had taken the air from my lungs, from the world. There was no more oxygen in the atmosphere. I was suffocating.

I heard the door to my room open somewhere in the back of my mind, and someone stepped in. I heard a voice telling me to breathe, and felt a hand on my back. I was scared, I was so scared. My vision was blurry and I felt like passing out. I thought I might die right there, but the person took hold of shoulders and reminded me that it was okay, that I was safe, and that I only need to breathe.

Eventually, I calmed down enough that the person deemed me alright enough to let go of me. I looked up and met Casey's eyes that were filled with guilt and sympathy. I didn't want the sympathy—she knew that—so she didn't mention it. She just gave me one last rub on the back and an,"Are you sure?" and when I nodded, she left the room.

This was my choice. It was a choice I had to make. I may not have been able to go in the locker rooms any time soon, but I could go to school. I had to go to school, I had to finish school—not just for myself, but for Sam, for the old Mesi.

The day Sam died, that was the day my life became something that was not my own. I no longer lived only for myself, I lived for two people. I lived for one boy who was just trying to graduate high school and make something out of himself so he could help out his mom, and another who hadn't had the chance to make something out of himself. Sure, Sam was a good student and a great athlete, but he'd never felt like much more than average, I could see that. He'd been waiting for college to make his mark on the world, he always told me, but college would never come for him. So it had to come for me, and I had to make it amazing.

...

School...sucked. I mean, when didn't it? But this was different. It was like the first day back after my mom, but so much worse. They still hadn't figured out who it was that attacked me, and I wasn't much help. I'd never gotten a real look at them, just knew that there were three—was assured that there were three every time I counted the number of hands I could feel on my skin, just below the surface.