Unraveling Ava (Editing)

seventeen

Edited 

I dedicate this chapter to @MegHahn another favorite author of mine.

Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found

Yeah, I think I might break

Lost myself again and I feel unsafe

and i feel unsafe

*TRIGGER WARNING*  (mentions of self-harm)

     Depression is defined as a mental condition characterized by feelings of severe despondency and dejection, often accompanied by the lack of energy and disturbance of appetite and sleep. It can also be defined as a mood disorder that causes persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest. I don't think it's that simple, you can't simply put it in a box and say here this is what you have. It's more than that. According to the World Health Organization, three hundred and fifty million people worldwide suffer from depression, that's five percent of the world's population. I think the number should be much higher.

     Depression affects millions of people in distinct ways. It's never going to be the same, it's not only ignorant but foolish to place it in a category. People experience depression individually, just like how they experience and express their emotions. Someone who is angry may cry during an argument while another person may simply yell. Sometimes a person who is happy may cry tears of joy while someone else will only smile. Different situations can provoke a vast of emotions from individuals, we all experience things differently, it's completely normal and okay.

     To me depression is similar to being stuck in a current. At first you panic, you don't understand what's happening to you. You try to escape, only to realize you're stuck. It's power over you tries to pull you in and before you know it you're underwater. You can't breathe. You can see the light but no matter how much or how hard you swim you can never reach the surface. You start becoming weaker and tired, it's slowly takes bits and bits of you until there is nothing left. Suddenly everything stops, you stop fighting and become part of the water. You give up thinking it's the best choice, the easiest and maybe even the less painful.

     Depression can overpower you, making you believe that sometimes the easiest thing or less painful is to give up, to let go. I used to always feel like I was drowning, I was just waiting for the moment when the water would fill my lungs and my heart would stop. I was longing for the feeling of peace, when out of nowhere someone or something was trying to pull me out of the water. I feel like I'm constantly in a tug of war battle, going back and forth, hoping for the other side to win. Sometimes I can feel myself close to the surface only to get drag under again.

     When you have depression, you can have horrible days just like you can have wonderful ones too. At the end of the day it doesn't matter if you had a good day or a bad one, your depression is always with you. You don't get to turn it off and on, or decide when it's going to affect you. You don't have control over that. You can be laughing with your love ones, having the time of your life when suddenly you feel it, that sting in your heart that can nearly break you to pieces. Sometimes it comes out of nowhere and there is nothing you can do about it.

     Today was a very bad day.

     I woke up throwing up my dinner from the night before. I didn't feel physically ill so I went to school, but mentally that was another story. I felt tired and dejected, but I had no idea way. I felt like a ticking time bomb ready to explode at any moment. My head was pounding, I took some medicine hoping it would help but it didn't.