I Want You No Matter What

Chapter One

I sat in my rocking chair, curled up into a ball hugging on to my feet, with my knees up to my chest as I looked out my room window. It was raining out and was such a cold evening.

I had to be wearing long sleeved shirts, long warm pants and a sweater my mom got from my grandmother and she passed it on to me.

I was just sitting there reminiscing, a lot of thoughts flooding my mind. It was like my whole life was replaying in my head, suddenly my eyes filled with tears.

Do you know what it feels like to have your own father taking something so precious from you?

Do you know what it feels like to have your brother touching you in such a sensitive way and forcing you to have sex with him?

Do you know how it feels, to have all these things happening to you and you want to tell someone but can't?

Do you know how it feels, when you finally tell someone and your own mom doesn't believe you?

I know what all of this feels like. I know how it feels to be tied up while your father takes away your... virginity. I know how it feels to be beaten by your father because you tell him you're gonna report him. I know how it feels to be broken, lost, hurt, angry, sad, torn, desperate, helpless and useless, all at the same time.

My life had been taken from me at ten years old when my father raped me. Why bother have a child if you knew you were gonna take away there future? And I know my father was not a drug addict or a mentally ill person, he was in his right mind and he did all of those things to me. Just to think back to how he was like a role model to me before all of this.

Tears streamed down my face as I thought about everything that happened. I can't believe they did this to me.

"Ally honey... it's almost time for dinner, go get-" I heard my mom so I quickly wiped my face.

"Honey are you crying?" She asked as she walked over to me. I tried my best to hold in the tears.

"Ohh honey, whats wrong?" She asked with a concerned look and her hands on my shoulder as she knelt down on her knees to look at me.

"Everything, my whole life mom," I bursted out in tears and she hugged me tightly.

"Honey, they are gone... they're not coming back to hurt you, no one is going to hurt you again, okay?" she rubbed my back but the tears only flowed more.

"They ruined my life mom, I can't even talk to a boy or anyone for that matter, I missed out in school because of them and worst of all no one at school likes me, I don't have any friends," I cried and she continued to comfort me.

"It's gonna be okay honey, don't worry about friends and boys... you just have to make use of the time left in school and achieve something great and be your own woman," mom gave me encouraging words as I wiped my face.

"Ok honey? So I want you to stop looking back at the past and look towards the future," she pulled away from the hug and wiped my face then smiled.

"That man got what he deserved, so stop crying, they're not coming back to hurt you," she said and i nodded my head. She kissed my forehead then stood from her knees.

"Go get showered, dinner is almost ready," she patted my shoulder. "And remember, school tomorrow," she said one last thing before she left.

I sat there for a while after mom had closed the room door. I was just thinking about what she said and I decided to try and forget about the past. I soon got up and went to the bathroom.

While in the shower I looked at the cut marks and dark bruises that the doctor said would be permanent on my skin. They were on my legs, my arms, my back, belly and my neck. They were dark purple. Just to take my mind off it, I showered quickly and got some long sleeve clothes on and that's when I noticed the rain had stopped but it was still a bit chilly.

I headed downstairs for dinner which went as usual, quiet. When I was finished I left mom downstairs and headed up to my room where I felt more at peace and could relax. Plus I had a big day tomorrow... I had to go to school.

I got some socks to put on then I crawled up into my bed and pulled the covers over me and sighed to myself. I laid there until i fell asleep.