American Dream?

River of Tears

“NOOOOO!” I screamed. I slammed my hand down onto the table, pushed my chair backwards and jumped up. “How could you, just when I met the guy of my dreams and just after I saw dad in-”

“WHAT!” Both my sister and mother shouted in unison. Sudden realization flooded though me, none of them were to know. “Shit” I whispered under my breath. They both stared in utter amazement.

“I was going to…” my voice drifted as I stared into each of their faces. Mum looked like she was about to cry, she was distraught and upset. She was rubbing her thumb over the ring finger, were her wedding ring used to be; she does this whenever she was emotionally pained. Although her ring was no longer on her finger, the tan line still remains from the 14 year relationship.

I never knew why she did this, but I had my suspicions. When dad left, mum fell apart, she suffered from depression for a year and had to see a therapist while me and Serena needed to go to counseling sessions.

My vision moved to Serena. She stood there quietly. Her face emotionless, her eyes lifeless and her shoulders lumped. She avoided my gaze when I tried to make eye contact.

“You saw your father?” my mum said in a hushed tone, her voice broke on the word father. A stray tear rolled down her powdered cheek. With one hand, she was rubbing her ring finger and the other hand was clenched around the napkin she was fiddling with earlier.

“Dad was-” Serena started, but her sobs broke through. She gently whimpered but no tears came. My sister has been through a lot in her short life. But, all these events have made my sister strong.

I couldn’t handle it any more. Why was everything happening to me today? Too many people were getting upset. I have been through every emotion known to man.

My life has never been interesting. Everyday used to go passed and I would go through the same routine. I would go to school. Be ignored by every person passing by. My teachers would smile when I put extra homework down for them or when I put my hand up to answer a question (I did that frequently). I would go home at the end of the day. If Serena was home there would usually be an argument going on. If mum was on her own, she would be looking through shop catalogues or advertisements for work placements. Of course it wasn’t easy, but it was better than this.

My mind was reeling.

“You know what – I don’t need to talk to you.” I walked out of the kitchen. As I run up the stair and the tears started; I was surprised I had any left. I reached my room and slammed the door shut.

I huddled in front of my door, becoming my own personal door stop. My head was buried into my drawn up knees and my arms huddled round my legs to keep me from falling.

Through my sobs I heard soft steps going up the stairs. My mum tried to open my door. “Locking yourself will help no one” she said calmly, although the tremor in her voice gave away her true feelings.

“Please let me in!” she begged.

“Leave me alone,” I said, barely making a sound. I hear my mum shift, let out a sign and walk off down the hall to her bedroom.

I wanted to be left alone. As I wept, I wish badly for Jason. I wanted him to hold me, comfort me, to kiss me. I wanted to fell his warmth. I wanted to her the beat of his heart against my ear. I needed him.

Then, the thought of moving to American can and I realised, when I move, he will not be there. I will never see him again. This made me cry harder.

I cocked my head up to my alarm clock, which stood proudly on my nightstand. 10:37 repetitively flashing in front of my eyes. I had school tomorrow. I watched transfixed of the digital screen. 10:38. 10:39. 10:40.

You’ll find a way out of it a small voice said in the back of my head. I closed my eyes and the image of Jason’s beautiful face came to me, I could see every feature clearly. It was as if he was in front of me.

This was comforting me. My uncontrollable tears slowly down and turned into soft sobs. I will never let him go without a fight I promised myself.

As I wiped the tears off my face with me jacket, I could smell him on my clothes. I held my sleeve to my face and inhaled deeply; filling my lungs with his sweet smell.

I got up carefully, got changed into my pajamas and slid myself into my bed. I lay there for a few minutes; eyes wide open, staring at my empty lilac wall.

I closed my eyes and willingly brought back the image of Jason’s face. I analysis him. As my subconscious projected his face, I played back what he said over and over in my head; wanting so strongly for it to be true. The last thing I remembered before I cried myself to sleep was his voice calling to me, quietly whispering those four words.

Everything will be alright.