Intent 2: Fight or Flight [Wattys 2017] (ON HOLD)

Chapter 9

I did love as a child and I was loved. I had Harry and mum and even dad for a time. And then everything went to shit.

The Styles family left, mum gradually turned into a nervous wreck, and dad, well dad turned into a drunken abusive brute.

It was a gradual change but the night I ended up in the hospital by my own fathers hand was when I made the ultimate shift.

Love wasn't a real thing. How could it be?"

I knew things were rough for her as a child but to not be happy and feel like love exists?

It's just heartbreaking. I wish I was there for her, fill that role but I've finally realized that I can't keep thinking of all things i missed out on after I moved to London... I need make a plan for the future, a plan to get her back and show her all the these that I never did before.

Reading Emma's words my heart rate slows, finally understanding the gravity of what I was asking my girl to do.

For weeks there I was, selfish as can be, pushing Em to vocalize something I already knew she felt. I kept pushing and pushing while Em was silently struggling to get over all these love issues.

Right twit you are Styles, a right fucking twit.

I try not to linger on this fact so I can continue to read. I'm yearning for more, so much more so I read on.

"It's not as if I don't have my reasons because I do. I really do.

It's like this...

As a child one of the things that should be guaranteed in life is your parents love for you. It's a complete love, a consuming love, a steadfast love. You should feel it all over, with every breath, through every moment, during every fight even... you should always feel deep deep down that they love you.

Even if you know nothing else, that kind of love should be the absolute truth.

But it wasn't.

How could it be when my dad came home one day beat me to a pulp for chucking his alcohol down the sink. After that anyone can't help but question everything.

He didn't love me.

If he did that love should have been enough to stop him that night. But it wasn't enough and then he was gone. I didn't want him around after what happened between us and lucky for me, he didn't really try. Only the once.

So how could I possibly feel that love exists if it doesn't exist from the one person that should be an absolute guarantee."

My heart breaks for her.

The page goes all blurry before me as I quickly wipe my eyes for the tears that are threatening to slip down my cheeks and stain the page.

I rub my eyes, trying to get a clear view. My emotions getting the better of me as I bring the journal up to my face. And then it hits me and I feel my heart skips a beat...

Em is writing in the past tense.

What does that mean? Does she still believe all this or...

I read on, a complete blubbering mess.

"It's a funny thought now.

Lina always argues with me on all this point. Probably because she doesn't know my reasoning. Even if she did know I expect her response to be the same – 'Oh Emma, you say that now but one day you'll meet someone and none of it will matter. It will just feel right with him and you'll know... And because we're talking about you here, you'll be 100% certain because whoever he is will have the power to break down all those walls you put up to protect yourself. And that will be it.' – Time and time again Lina would say this and finish with a knowing smile.