Loving a Goon

Part Two || 32 ~ (II)

"No guy who's completely straight sucks another guy's dick for three years." True. "I know sexuality is on a spectrum and all that other bullshit, but it still scares me, Darian." Her expression crumbled as we maintained eye contact. "Kenji's mother was married to his father for thirteen years, and that woman was a lesbian. Kenji himself broke up with Rosalyn for you, after cheating on her with you. You think you know a person, and they end up being gay. All these guys are fucking gay!" I burst into laughter for a quick second before getting a hold of myself, and Alissa glared at me. "Kenji and Clay keeping their middle school situation a secret doesn't make things any better. People only keep something a secret when it matters. When they want to hide a part of themselves."

"How do you bring something like that up though?" I asked. "Hey Alissa. Just wanted to tell you that Kenji and I used to suck each other off in middle school." I chuckled.

Yeah, I hated the situation, but I was more concerned with the fact that it happened then the fact that they kept it a secret.

Alissa pouted slightly. "Why are you mad then, Darian?" 

I shrugged. "I just don't like Clay, I guess."

"Bullshit," she hollered. "You and Clay were friends all those years before. The reason you don't like him now is because of this." Maybe. "You know why this kills me?"

"Why?" I rested my elbows on my knees, so I could hear her better.

"Because it makes me feel like I love him more than he loves me," she confessed, and I sat up straight. "It makes me think that while I'm in love with this guy, he could potentially be gay and not give a rat's ass about me." I couldn't say anything to that. "It makes me feel like that girl from high school all over again. The girl who's in love with her best friend but has to watch him date and sleep with all these other girls. The girl he never noticed."

I stared past her as her words sunk in.

        The story of my life.

"Yeah, I dated and slept with guys, too," Alissa said, "but it still hurts knowing that while you can't get them out of your head, you barely take up space in theirs. That's what hurts." She moved her gaze down to her lap, and we remained silent.

My chest felt tight, but not from anger. "At least Clay loves you, Alissa," I whispered, and she glanced up at me. "I'm not fond of the guy, but I've heard him declare his love for you at least twice now." Her features relaxed. "I've seen the way he looks at you. The way he acts around you. It may be more obvious now, but there were signs of his feelings always being there. He always talked about you. Connected everything to you. You always came first." She cracked me a smile. "Clay loves you, and he's not gay. To him, it's only you that he sees because it's always been you."

Kenji didn't love me.

I was replaceable to him.

I was so disillusioned by his newfound interest in me that I ignored the truth. Kenji would never see me the way I saw him.

I gripped the table I sat on and glared at the floor. "Having someone love you and trust you and appreciate you is a special thing." I peered up at her. "Don't take that for granted. A middle school fling isn't worth losing that."

Some of us didn't have that.

"I'm still scared, Darian." Her voice wavered at the end. "This incident reminds me of every fear I have regarding me and Clay's relationship."