Can You Be My Dirty Secret? -l.t.

Chapter 19- He is Out

Chapter 19- He Is Out

Louis Tomlinson's

I threw myself into my bed with a deep sigh. Was I wrong pursuing this love of mine? Am I hurting Leticia along the way? I was a bad big brother for letting her get entangled with my bullshits in life. Maybe that is why she hates me now.  She didn't even follow me. 

I close my eyes as I try to think about the situation we are in. I guess it's clear that she doesn't want me this way. I must've just pressured her again into saying yes. What should I do now? How could I make this work? How could I make this right? So many questions run through my mind that I feel like a teenage protagonist in the chick flicks Leticia always made me watch with her. I feel so stupid. 

As I was about to give up, though, I heard my door creaking. And the voice of my love I've been yearning for all this time called me, "Big brother..." Leticia called out. I long to hear that voice calling for me. I sit up and look at my door, and sure thing it is Leticia closing and locking it.

I've stayed still as she walks over to my bed and sat beside me. The last time I check I was the only one reaching for her, but now may be a different story.

Leticia Ray's

"L-louis... I'm sorry." I murmured as I twirl with the pajamas I wore before I came here. "It is just that I'm not really sure if-"

"If I'm in love with you? Is that it baby?" Louis asked one after another as he looks at me with sad eyes. He looks hurt and disappointed. It was enough to make my heart clench in some way.

I chewed on my lower lip nervously as he stares at me intently. If looks could kill, I might be stabbed by a million knives by now and wouldn't even have the chance to thought this all out I mean... I could be dead.

"Oh... I remember... You were just forced to be with me in this situation, right?" Louis forced a sarcastic smile, making me furrow my burrows. "You're not really my baby. You're not really mine to fuck with. I'm just here forcing you to do all of these things because I fucking scare the shit out of you." He continued chuckling throatily. Oh my ghad.

"B-big brothe-"

"I'm just your horny stepbrother who forces you to do things, right?" He shrugged "Please leave. We don't have to keep doing this." He spotted. This doesn't really sound like an apology, but I try to understand the situation that he is in, anyway. 

I should've told him my doubts earlier since he'd still caught on like now. Either way, I didn't realize I was crying till he pointed it out on me harshly. I try to suppress my sob as much as I could to not try to make it as my excuse. Is it really it? I was just making excuses and pretending to be busy to avoid my brother? Am I not enjoying it? Am I not? Leticia, are you not?

"Louis, please." I whimpered. How am I supposed to tell him that I'm just confused?

"It is true, r-right?" He chokes slightly and tears started springing out of his eyes. I just made my big brother cry, I thought crying harder. "That I love you but you don't love me that way." He hiccupped.

"Big brot-"

"No! Stop lying. You don't have to please me. It's true that I want to be with you, but if we are going to be like this then it's better to call this off. " He said firmly as he hangs his head low. This left me with more scrambled thoughts and slowly breaking heart. But either way, I broke my brother's as well.

The guilt is slowly killing me as seconds passed by. Is it really my fault? Is it because I've agreed to be his dirty secret and I'm not fulfilling it? No. Guilt will forever kill me if I didn't make it up to him 'cause I know that my mistake is for using his love for me to my advantage. How ironic, he is blaming himself while I am blaming myself as well. 

I'm the most difficult and it seems like he is the one pushing himself to me but the truth is I'm enjoying it in an utmost way. I'm being taken care of and pampered off which I didn't deserve. In short, I've just used my stepbrother. I'm a horrible horrible person. If ever he doesn't deserve any of this.

"I'll go for now..." I whispered. I need to give him space. I'll come back tomorrow and apologize again. I'll be braver. I'll make up my mind. It'll be like adding fuel to the flame if we would just choose to continue now. 

---

The next morning, I've decided to drink a glass of milk first and prepare breakfast for him. We will be able to talk this out better. At least that's what I was hoping for while not knowing about what was in store for me upon arriving at the kitchen. 

The scene before me was just surprising enough. It was total chaos for me. When I've finally tried to make peace with myself, this has to happen. I couldn't help but laugh sarcastically. At least, that's what I was trying to invoke so I won't feel pitiful.

"Big brother" I choked out as my eyebrows furrowed from betrayal. He could stab me with a knife and yet this will hurt me more still. I've wished my eyes were just betraying me, but every time I blink but, it only gets more real. 

I was replaced so easily. Where did he even get that girl from? Was she drunk? Did he find her in a bar and then drag her ass off here? I couldn't tell. I glanced over at Niall and he's by the doorstep with his brows furrowed as well. 

"What the hell is happening?" I heard my voice crack in regret. And as if on cue the blonde girl, yea blonde like in those movies. As I was saying, the blonde girl flipped her hair after pulling away from sucking Louis' face. My jaw instantly drops in dismay.

My hands trembled from anger. Cold sweat began to appear on my forehead, as my chest tightens as if the oxygen in the room was sucked by that bitch. 

I couldn't even care less if she's drunk or what. It's too early in the morning for a drink. Let alone if she's a hangover from the night before. How could she even know our place? I rummage through my head, trying to find an excuse for Louis myself. 

Louis seemed to be utterly flared and surprised but I've seen enough. He and my classmate, you should remember her, are eating each others' faces like no tomorrow. I can't believe it. After everything that has been said and done. 

We just stare at each other until my eyes betrayed me and produce tears. I tried holding it back in, biting my lower lip but it was no use, it spilled nevertheless.

"Letici-"

"Save it." I glared and storm away all the way upstairs. This is so messed up. So this is all that is all about. He would scold me for not giving him attention, and then kiss someone like he never said he loves me. What a complete and utter joke. Was it really love that brought us or lust?

03- 07- 17