Girl in Pain | {old version}

Chapter 4

❝I hate getting emotional because it means that I actually have feelings that I'm trying to hide.❞

-Unknown

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Once a wise man said, "I can control my passions and emotions if I can understand their nature." but let me tell you, it's not that simple. Controlling your emotions, hiding your true feelings from everyone for years, it's not easy. How many times your only wish was to be able to break down for a second, to let everything out, to tell someone...

I know the nature of my sadness really well, the nature of myself. I know why I became the person I am today. It's all about choices. The choices you make in your life and how right or wrong they are. Now I find myself dealing with all those decisions I made. The decision that determined my future. I don't really know if it was written in my destiny, if that decision hadn't been taken, thus changing everything. But even if I still wonder every second, every minute, every hour, every day of my life what could have happened if I hadn't changed my mind that day, I can't go back in time, I can't make up for it. Can I?

That morning at school it was harder than ever for me to concentrate on anything. My life was changing in a kind of way. I still remained the outcast at school, at the foster home, everywhere I turned I was looked at with pity, disgust and lots more but something new was coming up. I couldn't tell if it was something bad or good for once. I could just remember and imagine.

The second period had almost ended, meaning that the next lesson would be literature with Prof Campbell. One of the lessons I shared with Cole. The bell finally rang and it was time for me to move quickly to the next class to avoid people. Once I arrived, I took my usual seat at the back near the window. It was a calm and windy day. The breeze which came in from the open window caressed my face with lightness and comforted me a bit. Half a day left before I could be in your arms again my love... The sound of chairs moving brought me back to reality. Cole was looking at me and moving towards my desk when suddenly a light pink-haired girl spoke to him.

"Hey, babe you don't need to seat next to that freak anymore. She's a loser and scares the crap out of me. Come here next to me.", I recognised her by her voice; she was the monologue girl who was daydreaming and drooling all over him the other day. After diverting my gaze back to Cole to see his expression, I could recognize for a fracture of a second some emotions swirling in his eyes and gritted teeth. Though, he took his backpack and sat down next to the Barbie girl. I could have expected it all along. The professor entered the room and the atmosphere became quieter. As Ms Campbell began to speak, my mind wandered to that night at the beach with him.

A week had passed since then. I remember how we remained silent for an eternity until that moment...

He then took something out of his pocket and handed it to me, still looking at the sea. It was a pen. The pen I gave to him in class, my favourite pen. It had been dad's for so many years... I looked back at him not caring if I was letting him see my puffy red eyes and found him already staring at me. I shook my head as I put the precious object back in his hand. It was a gift. I couldn't live in my past forever and there were too many things that reminded me of it every day, starting with that pen. Cole gave me a sided smile and sighed. Looking closely at him, I asked myself again why he was here. How could he have followed me if he was just walking by my room?

As if he had guessed what I was thinking, he shrugged and started explaining.

"I know you saw me walking down those corridors even though the reason behind it is unknown to you. And I also know you were avoiding me all day, fearing I could finally understand what no one ever could. You're afraid of looking at me in the eyes but you're indifferent to everyone else's glances down the halls. You blush, you turn pale, you look away when I'm near you but you're impassive around others. Why?" I diverted my gaze to the ocean again starting to bite hard on my lip.

"When you saw me back there, your eyes got bigger and I can swear I could hear your heart beating fast. No one knows that you're in a foster home, am I right? And you're so afraid that someone is going to find out. But why... why are you afraid."

More tears were streaming down my face falling on my still open journal 's page. He just came back from I don't know where a person I've never seen before in my life and in a few hours he had been able to upset my life more than before. He exposed the mask I built up for years in just a day and discovered I was orphan. How could he possibly bring some good in my miserable life if he knew one of my darkest secrets and was also able to read me? I didn't know anything about him besides the fact that he had something to do with St. Phinnix foster home.

Sighing I opened my eyes to find Cole crouched in front of me. His proximity was dangerous. I could sense his perfume and have a great look at his face. A hand came up to my face and I closed my eyes freezing on the spot. It cupped my cheek and at the same time, a second one was imitating the same movement. Two thumbs dried my tears and I slowly leant in the touch. His hands were hot and his touch soothing. I heard him sigh and suddenly the warm sensation on my cheeks vanished. He was walking away. Once again, I managed to make a person leave.

I didn't know if it was because of him or the day, but that night I didn't touch the water and fell limp on the spot...

After lunch, I found myself wandering in the direction of the forgotten library in the oldest wing of the school. There was something bugging me since that night. Why was he visiting St Phinnix? Cole remained a mystery to everyone in the school like me but he was loved by girls and envied by boys. He was on the popular squad and sat with them every time. How could I have had the vague feeling that he was really different... as I arrived at the door, I pushed it open and locked it behind me. Strange, it's always closed. I guess someone else is using it beside me now. Walking through the high bookshelves, full of dust and century-old books, I finally found the section I was interested in. Some of the books I chose were so heavy that my slim arms were already breaking. Next, I put them all on a wooden table and sat down. Let's see what this research will bring.

It was already past school hours and I couldn't find anything that could help me. I didn't even know what I was looking for anymore and I was almost giving up when something caught my eyes, something I've never seen in all those hours I spent in that room.

"St. David Phinnix's foster home "

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Hi!

The quote is from Dutch philosopher Baruch Spinoza. 

Things are getting more mysterious and some parts of the girl's life are slowly being revealed. Does anyone have an idea what's going on? 

Leave a star and a comment if you liked the chapter! It means a lot to me.

[this is a first draft - you can find the newer version on my Inkitt profile: Inkitt.com/SOSimons or by clicking on the external link]

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