Pyre (Frerard, Rikey, Ryden, Petekey)

34: Belated But Not Unexpected

Mikey's hand shook constantly as he gripped the thin pen between his nimble fingers, even the supposedly simple act of forming words on a page leaving him drained and exhausted.

It was late, late enough that most humans would consider the hour to be early, although the exact time eluded Mikey's muddled mind.

Mikey's eyes blurred with tears as he came to the end of his short letter, the choppy sentences flickering across his mind briefly as he tried to remember what he had written only for the meaning to escape him as he attempted to read his note through the water obscuring his vision.

After spending far too long staring at the page and still retaining none of it, Mikey decided that it would have to be good enough, if such a thing even applied for this situation. There was nothing good about it, especially not for the person the letter was addressed to, but Mikey was finished, worn out, overwhelmed, he had nothing left to give besides a paltry explanation that would most likely be meaningless in the end.

Mikey hadn't wanted things to come to this point of course, but a part of him had always known that this was inevitable. Every day after Ray's death had been a pointless attempt at placating Gerard, at making him happy, of keeping a promise that Mikey should never have agreed to in the first place.

Because this was it, Mikey was done with existing without his mate, of suffering through countless hours with no hope of relief. That was what his life had become now that Ray was dead, and he knew it wasn't going to get better, no matter how many times Gerard swore it would. Nothing would ever be all right again until he was reunited with Ray, and although he had no guarantee that killing himself would return him to Ray's side, he had to at least try.

The afterlife was a commonly debated subject among vampires; some were certain that all vampires would meet with the previously deceased if they had shed blood during their funeral rites, while others argued that there wasn't enough proof to know for sure, but Mikey was more than willing to take the plunge and discover the truth for himself.

Mikey detested the fact that he would have to hurt Gerard with his actions, he had sworn to him after all that he would stay strong for him, that he wouldn't leave him alone, but really, he was only bringing Gerard down. He would be better off without worrying about him constantly, he would be free to focus on Frank, he would recover eventually, but Mikey wouldn't, not without Ray.

And in a way, Mikey hadn't said he would stay alive, only that he'd try, but he was aware that Gerard was clinging to his vague statement, that the majority of his time was spent taking care of Mikey, of trying to convince him that there were still things in the world that made it worthwhile, and Mikey had let him believe that his attempts were working, which might not have been the best decision on his part.

Maybe he should have been more upfront with Gerard from the beginning, at least then he would be more prepared for this, but it was too late to remedy the situation now. Mikey didn't want to wait another night to end things, he had put this off for long enough, and now every fiber of his being was craving for oblivion and a respite from the emotional agony that assaulted him daily.

Mikey didn't even feel like himself anymore, and in a manner of speaking, he wasn't. Gone was the person he used to be, the stubborn, optimistic, determined vampire that was once mated to Ray had been torn away from him, leaving a shell composed of pain and emptiness in its place, and honestly, Mikey was already dead, his body just hadn't gotten the message yet.

Mikey was simply finishing an incomplete job by taking this next step, and as much as he loved Gerard, he couldn't stay just for him. He had tried to, but during moments like this, with his brother asleep and memories of Ray tearing at his brain with a bright hot intensity that left him trembling and aching, Mikey knew that he was doing the right thing, and Gerard would hopefully understand that eventually.