Mental

Chapter Sixteen|Always

Dan

Blue eyes like early morning sky; glazed with everything Dan needed forever.

He wanted to be even closer than he was to Phil. He wanted him to say those words again.

Could it have been then?

Now.

When Dan started to fall in love...

He wanted to drown in everything Phil Lester.
Suffocate against his lips.

But he never got the chance.

Pj simply waltzed in with fresh flowers in his hands, and a bright smile like the sun. He was excited for tonight.

So excited that he didn't even notice the clear 'Do not Disturb' sign on Dan's door. He was practically beaming with excitement before he saw.

There was a clear purpose to that sad, and ignored 'Do not Disturb' sign. No one was supposed to disturb.

Maybe because it might look a little odd to some people to see Dan and Phil so close to each other. Talking in whispers. Staring into each other's eyes as if they felt at home there. When they were just doctor and patient. A simplistic, and non-romantic relationship.

Right?

To no one who would've seen them in this moment would they believe that to be so. That they were merely connected through only business, not hearts.

Pj was having a hard time believing it too.

The scene must look suspicious. Phil's face is so close to Dan's neither of them can breathe their own air. Dan's hand rests gently on his arm. Eyes starting to flutter shut. Such a look in Phil's eyes Pj recognizes as something he once knew.

But it was different now. Dan had jumped away, and had growing wide eyes. Phil's were coated with guilt.

Pj didn't say anything.

He simply stared until he couldn't anymore, and dashed out of the room.

Hurt, hurt, hurt, hurt. He was hurt. I hurt him.

Dan looked at Phil who was staring at the floor. Almost as if he felt bad. Phil never felt bad for anyone. Only himself. When he made eye contact with Dan there was an understanding.

His eyes said, "Its okay to chase after him."

Dan nodded to him, and ran after Pj. His boyfriend. He needed to find him. Tell him it was misunderstanding. That he still loved him...

Even though he never really did in the first place.

He found him outside in the rain that seemed to never leave this cloudy April. It was annoying, and he wasn't used to so much of it, but it'd been happening everyday for two weeks.

Pj was crying. Despite all of the rain, Dan could tell. He was sat against his car with battered flowers on the hood. Sobbing into his hands. Dan had never seen him so emotional.

"Pj!" Dan shouted as he made his way over to him.

Pj didn't even look up.

Dan splashed through the street grabbing his hands from his face forcing Pj to look him in the eye.

"Peej, baby, I'm sorry," Dan said out of breath, "It wasn't what it looked like."

Pj sniffles, but manages to have a flat and rude tone, "Really? Because it looked like you were about to kiss another man behind my back."

Am I supposed to do it in front of you?

Dan violently shakes his head, "No, Pj I would never do that to you."

Pj snorted, "And I'm supposed to believe you?"

"You can trust me, Pj! Don't you love me?"

"Of course I love you! That's why I'm so hurt by the fact that you don't love me."

"I do love you!" Dan shouted back. It sounded so unsure Pj started to have a creeping feeling that'd he'd never be enough.

"Oh, and what? You love him too?"

"No, of course not, only you."

"You're lying to me Dan," Pj said quietly, "He finally got what he wanted."

Dan gave him a confused look, "What are you talking about?"

"You're in love with him."

Dan felt like he couldn't breathe for the second time that day.

He wanted to deny it. He tried. But the words were too unconvincing.

So unconvincing in fact, that Pj started to walk away before he could finish.

"I'm sorry, but I need a break from you, Dan."

He pushed his wet curls out of face, and walked away. Taking my dignity, and synthetic love for him along.

Dan stood dumbfounded in the rain. Extremely worried he'd ruined his relationship. Yes, he loved Pj. Even it felt more like a friend love. And his heart was broken. But it wasn't in his hands. It was in Phil's.

God, but I can't love Phil.

Somehow, he found the strength to walk back to his office. Soggy, and feeling unwanted he dragged himself to the entrance. Pj probably feels the same way. Phil was in one of his chairs, staring at a drawing in a little frame on Dan's desk.

A drawing of him and Dan.

Sage's drawing of them.

Guilt.

Dan felt guilty.

Pj had seen that drawing, and said himself that it was 'cute'. Refusing to be jealous and controlling. Wanting Dan to love him too. He let Dan fall in love with someone else because he didn't want to lose him. He hadn't even known...

But Dan didn't know that either.
He wasn't even aware that even right now he was falling for Phil.
Finding a way to be infatuated by the way he stared at the drawing.

And finally Dan started to cry.

Right there in the middle of that door frame into his office, he broke down.

And he cried even harder when he felt warm arms around him.

He let himself sink into the warm body; needing comfort as he sobbed.

"It will be okay, Dan. You'll be okay."

Dan wanted to hear him say that forever. Because his beautiful voice made it all the more convincing.

That's when Dan found comfort in everything Phil.

Or maybe that happened the moment he met his eyes for the first time.