Perfect Storms

part two

"Hopelessly holding on
To all those perfect nights
Let's pretend it's not gone"
Holding on For Life ~Ellie Goulding

It was nearing the end of summer, barely Even September, but I already felt myself aching for the fall. I longed for the colder air, the colors of the trees as they lose their shade of green and turn to the beautiful hues of orange. I missed the dreary clouds to which would soon transform into something more evidently grey and the warmth and comfort that came with the weather. I highly anticipated the lovely factors of fall and the joy each pleasure gave me. I missed football and pumpkins and warm coffee on cold early mornings and scarves and boots.
I no longer desired the carefree atmosphere that came with summer. I loved busying myself with work and new books and was now willing to trade those for the luxurious vacations and beaches and parties I had happily embraced in the months of June and July. The long days of summer were tiresome and marvelous. No doubt I had had the most alluring summer of my life. Normally I would be sad to see summers leave, but this time around I was grateful. Yes I had had a wonderful summer. Nonetheless I was very much looking forward to the fall.
I found myself strolling the neighborhood streets of Nashville. It was the most plain of my houses. I could not zealously bask in the ocean breeze as I could in Rhode Island, or walk the always busy but irrevocably fascinating and loud streets of New York or Los Angeles. Nonetheless the place was a solace for me. Sure it did not have any of the perks my other homes did, but it has an existing familiarity to it I cherished. The home had been a residence of mine since the young age of 19. I found comfort in its constant in my life. Especially after the whirlwind of a summer I had had, coming back to a place that was ever unchanging provided an unspeakable contentment.
Tom had departed for Australia again a week ago. I left LA knowing being there alone would not be good. I hated watching him leave. I guess a part of me was always afraid he would not return. As if once he departed, the adrenaline rush of love would disperse, he would be reminded of his life before me. Go back to the way things were, quiet. His reality contained so much less noise. Being in my presence was a whirlwind of chaos, but his, it was soothingly soft compared to mine. I was afraid he would be reminded of that existence and wish we had never met. I knew I could never blame him for such a thought.
Upon our goodbye, his lips lingered, I knew he did not want to leave even if it were only for a mere few days. We had gotten so use to each other's presence I could not help but make it something I relied on.
I spent my days reliving in mind every encounter with him. I was simply enthralled by him. Everything about him was so captivating. I have dated many men all of whom have always treated me with selflessness and kindness but Tom, he was so calming. His presence never felt forced or out of place. Though our careers, lifestyles, and even upbringings could not be more different I could not help but feel like we were one in the same.
I remember, at my Rhode Island 4th of July party Karlie told me it was as if I were dating a male version of myself. At first I questioned her assumption but soon realized she was right. We both shared that unique charisma where we would rather be happy than bitter. Neither of us took ourself too seriously and are able to laugh at ourselves which I think is extremely important. We both overwhelming passionate for our careers and share the same understanding of the art in what we do. We know how to reach people and be kind. This makes all the difference.
But there was also another feeling present in our relationship. One that felt sort of like a ticking time bomb. No matter how much I tried to convince myself I loved him I could never bring myself to actually say the words.
Tom had always been an after thought to me. In a sense, I was using him. I did not realize this horrifically selfish notion until just recently. I had spent so much of my days caught up in the whirlwind of drama my intense spilt with Adam left in its wake I never actually had time to reflect on my relationship with Tom and what it meant to me. It bothered me I could tell him I loved him. It bothered me I did see a future with him. And it especially bothered me I was able to recognize I was using him to get over Adam. But am I to blame? It surely is not my fault I do not love him. However it paid me knowing he cares so deeply and I do not. But honestly now that I no longer have any feelings towards Adam I was starting to realize I didn't have any real feelings towards Tom either...

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Hello I'm back and I've revamped this chapter. Things are not looking so good for them though... but don't worry I will be full on continuing this story! You'll just have to wait and see what happens!