Perfect Storms

chapter five

"I'm gonna fly like a bird through the night, feel my tears as they dry"
Chandelier ~Sia

A few days went by. I made a priority to throw my phone in a drawer and not look at it. It was too painful, too messy. Tom had left for New York. I thought of him differently now.
"Is this attraction Miss Swift?" My best friend Selena had called me earlier. She, like everyone else had heard about my public breakup with Adam and had been calling me non stop begging me to confide in her. Four days later I finally decided to break the barrier of secrets between me and my friends, or at least to her anyways.
I giggled, "maybe, maybe in time."
I was happy that she allowed me to talk about other things than Adam. I told her about Tom who she knew from the Gala. She told me she called it all along that he was infatuated with me but I dismissed her saying we were only friends. 
"But you like him?"
"He's wonderful, I'm just... Careful."
"You're afraid it's too soon I get it."
She got me like that. We had known each other for so long now nothing about me surprised her. She had my best interest at heart and would support me in want I wanted, not what the media would say or what I should be doing. No she, like me, acted with her heart on her sleeve and was already practically begging me to ask Tom on a real date.
The call ended and I fixed myself dinner. I felt free, free from the pressure of my past relationship. I felt guilty for feeling so but I had to let that go. I practiced breathing. In and out in and out. Inhale exhale, inhale exhale. I felt a little bit of my massive towering burden lift from my shoulders by finalizing our relationship by publicly announcing it. Although, in my opinion, the relationship had ended months ago. I felt him growing distant. After I told him I had taken so much time off I think he felt more pressure. As if I was implying we should take the next step in our relationship. I assured him nothing would change and that all I wanted was some time, time to focus and support him solely. I still made an effort to go some prominent awards shows I was required to attend. He came to one of them then afterwards quickly told me he did not want to attend any more. I was confused, he gave me no reasoning. At the time it made no sense, after all, I was making great effort to attend and support him at every one of his gigs and he couldn't even go to an award show with me? It was then I began questioning our relationship. I began to notice how all along he was shy, how maybe I had started to overshadow him. And he had noticed it too and quickly backed off. I remember him starting to spend time with me less. He stopped coming to my house every night. He stop inviting me to his shows, we were no longer intimate. The days leading up to the Gala I had stressed its importance to him and how this was a big deal for me. But he was never the one to be excited by the things that made me so excited. That night we got in a huge fight. I guess everything went downhill from there.
I spent the rest of the night battling my emotions. I rolled them all over, of Adam of Tom. It was a hopeless mess inside my head.
See I really like Tom and I like being with him a lot but I do not know I just keep putting up higher walls. I'm afraid to fully immerse myself in him. This may sound odd but I think I've fallen hopelessly for him. Something inside me wants to love him passionately. I've never felt this way so quickly for someone. I want to love him but I keep pulling myself back, lying to myself, dismissing my thoughts. I guess I'm just afraid of getting hurt or too attached and you know what? I'm tired of feeling that way. I've decided I would rather live my life recklessly and passionately rather than reserving how I feel on the idea of saving myself from getting hurt. I fully understand and recognize he may not be the one, he is not my soulmate and this love at first sight thing can be a vague concept but that's okay. I'm okay with that now. I have decided I am going to love him anyway and with exactly how I feel in that moment. No more preserving feelings.
Sure maybe the day will come and he will break up with me and I will be brutally heartbroken but that's okay. I will let the sorrow come full force and embrace it and endure it with the same mentality I am with his love currently. No more bottling up emotions. No more saving feelings for later or for when I deem appropriate. No, I'm done bottling up the way I feel.i am going to live life through my emotions. Passionately and effortlessly. If I want to give him my all and love with everything I have got I will do so. No more saving feeling for later or when he's truly in love months later or when he commits. I would rather spend my one life feeling and embracing every emotion fully than conserve those emotions for a day that may never come. Sure it's reckless but the hell with it. My heart is no longer fragile and it craves emotion. And I do not want to hide it from my heart anymore.
I lay down in my bed on my back. My arms laced above my head, the moon my only source of light in the dark room. I felt a tear roll down my cheek and I laughed to myself. That was it. It is over now. I am finally me again.

//
How's everyone liking this fanfic so far? Happy for Taylor? Am I posting too much?