Perfect Storms

chapter ten

"People like you always want back the love they pushed aside, but people like me are gone forever when you goodbye."
All You Had To Do Was Stay ~Taylor Swift

I woke up the next morning, tired and maybe slightly hungover, to a lot of buzz on my phone. I rubbed my eyes drearily scrolling around to see what happened. Of course most of it were fans reactions to finally seeing pictures of me and Tom at the concert last night. I laughed at their excitement I guess the confusion had worn off and they were just happy for me now.
After a few minutes of scrolling I finally found the hype. Adam had refollowed me after a week of blocking me on all forms of social media. Hm I wondered why. I looked at the time, it was only 6am. I probably should have gone back to bed but I couldn't. Instead I got out, brushed my hair in the bathroom mirror then scrambled around my room looking for my guitar. It had been a long time since I had picked it up. I casually began to strum some familiar chords. A song of mine came to my memory. People like you always want back the love they gave away... I strummed the familiar tune. Although the song was never intended to be an acoustic one, it had started out that way. I played the raw chords thinking of the song, of my past relationship and of all the confusion with it. The more I think about it now the less I know. All I know is that you drove us off the road.
I thought about Adam. I could not possibly imagine what he was thinking. I imagined he was bitter but maybe he was beginning to come to peace with it. I wasn't exactly singing along, my mind was distracted by my thoughts, but once the second verse picked up I caught myself singing quietly. I've been picking up the pieces of the mess you made. I started singing with a little passion, People like you always want back the love they pushed aside, but people like me are gone forever when you say goodbye. I stopped after that lyric. It was probably the most important in the whole song. There was so much burning finality to it. And I loved it. I sang the verse with passion. Every night of the tour, in the recorded track those particular lyrics came out almost angrily, burning with a steadfast finality. I had wrote the song shortly after my break up with One Direction's Harry Styles. He was sweet and we ended on good terms. It was obvious in the months after the split he wanted me back and there were times when I wondered why I was saying no. I had to remind myself that I knew deep inside it would never work out. I was a firm believer in the fact that once it was over it was over. And as kind as he was I knew I would never allow myself to fall back into his arms. It was just a rule I had.
With that in mind I took a step back in my thoughts. Why the hell was I still hung over Adam? Why was he fighting for my every thought. He ended the relationship and there was no going back. Even if he wanted me back, even if I wanted him back I would never say yes. I was forever gone from him, left to fade into a distant memory. There were traces of our love in everything still of course, but those too, in time, would fade. It was a reckless way to live. To love someone so much and then disappear and never return. Not even as a friend or an acquaintance. I was dangerous reckless when it came to love, I know that now. Even with Tom my reckless nature is already setting in. He doesn't see it yet but I've been extremely reckless with him already.
Maybe that's why they all always leave. The men who wander into my life come and see me as their idea of perfect. And then they get to know me, have to experience my reckless capabilities, and leave knowing someone as reckless as me, could never be at peace.
I was a perfect storm. A perfect storm; so beautiful behind a glass window but reckless to all that cross paths with on the outside. A perfect storm; powerful enough to drown you, soft enough to cleanse you. A perfect storm; utterly unconcerned about the consequences of my actions, yet alluring to the parched eye. But there was beauty to my chaos. Tom sees it, and maybe just maybe that's why he's here.
*****
By dinner time we decided to go out again. We were meeting up with some friends for a double date type of thing. It was weird to think this was only the third time he's taken me out to dinner. Everything with him seems so natural. I feel like often times I would catch myself feeling as though Tom picked up right where Adam left me and I would feel as if I had already been dating him a year. I had to remind myself that was the case. My mind was so lost so confused it blurred the lines. But I really did not want to blur the lines, I wanted to take things slow, or at least take things slow mentally. The funny thing is everything felt like it was going so crazy fast. I was so enamored by him I just kind of stumbled through the motions. I was not thinking straight.
My love for him felt drunk. I was drinking to forget someone but in the process became stupid drunk and dependent on him to carry me through my stupor. And I walked and talked but I was not comprehending what was being said. Instead I was following the lead of this new person blindly and contently.
I noticed myself staring at him a lot. I would have to remind myself to look away. He was just so pretty. He was easy to smile. Whenever I talks he would look me directly in the eyes, listening as if what I said actually mattered. He would hold my hand under the table. Or on top. He was always holding my hand. It was a simple act but one that meant a lot. He would kiss my hand too. So softly, so kindly. For him it seemed to be some automatic gesture. I wonder if he did it to every lady he dined with. I wondered for how long could I call such a precious gem mine.

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Okay so the title makes sense now. Anyone starting to pick up on the secret storyline going on?? No only me?? okay...