New Beginnings {Completed}

Chapter 35

We arrive to my mother's small apartment after about 45 minutes, and I can't lie and say that the car ride was comfortable. She didn't have the radio on and the heater in the car made everything stuffy. I never looked over to my mom once. I wonder if she is mad at me for the words I told her days ago? I feel an insane amount of guilt, but what is done is done. But that doesn't mean I don't have to apoligize.

She puts her key in the door and I step in first. The apartment looks the same since the last time I was her. Everything seems to be in the same place and all the memories of being here last flood my thoughts. 

"Do you want anything to drink?" my mom asks me, stepping into the kitchen. 

"Yeah, a glass of water." I answer. 

I slowly walk over to the couch and gently sit down. I shift uncommfortably on the couch, but I just can't seem to get comfortable. I give up when I see my mom walking over with a some water in her hands. 

"Thank you." I tell her, with a small smile. 

She just nods, and that's when I realize that I'm going to be the one to intiate conversation first. 

"It's been a long time since I last saw you." I say. 

"Yeah, thought you needed some space." she sighs. 

"I'm sorry. I never should have never said those things." I apoligize. 

"It's okay. I know that you deal with a lot of things you shouldn't have to." she says, putting a hand on my shoulder. 

"Thank you for understanding." I say, trying to hold back the uneccesary tears. 

"I will understand everything you do, but that doesn't meant that I'll agree. But as your mother I will love you no matter what. You're my only child, I won't lose you again." she says, looking into my eyes. 

"Mom..." I don't finish, afraid to tell her. 

"What?" she asks me. Worry evident in her voice. 

"I told Mary about you. I'm so sorry, but I did it for good reasons. She was your best friend and you just left her high and dry. I thought that the least she deserved the truth, I'm so...." 

"Stop." she says, removing her hand from my shoulder.

 "Mom. I'm so sorry." I say, with my head down. 

"Elizabeth, when are you going to learn that you are just a child. You should have kept your mouth shut. I didn't tell her for a reason. I wish I could explain to you my reasons, but I don't want to talk about this any longer." she says standing up. "Call your friend, what's her name, to come and pick you up." 

I freeze knowing that my mother is talking about Hanna. I try to control the tears forming in the back of my eyes, but I can't. The first one falls and I turn my face so that my mom can't see me. Then the second and the third fall out. And before I know it I am practically sobbing.

I don't see my mom walk over to me because of the tears that blur my vision, so when she touches me I jump. She says something to me, but I don't hear her because of my sobs. She draws small circles on my back. I know that she is trying to console me, but nothing can make me feel better. I miss the feeling I had only a hour ago when I was screaming how amazing I was.

I try to contol my tears by closing my eyes, but that only makes the memories of Hanna more clear. They thoughts of her fill my head, her voice ringing in my ears. I'm never going to get used to the fact that I will nvever hear her loud laugh again or see her toothy grin anymore. Hanna is gone, and I feel so helpless.