Apples Don't Just Mean School [in process of rewriting]

Lame Pun Day

 I awake to find no peace of mind/I said, how do you live as a fugitive/Down here where I cannot see so clear/I said, what do I know  ~ Coldplay, Spies

Emily's POV

I was trudging irritably to the hall, expecting more boredom from our 'illustrious' principal. Idiot. I was going into the lift... where I met Matthew, decked out in a ridiculous black sweat shirt. "HAPPY LAME PUN DAY!" he yelled as a greeting. (A/N: I made up Lame Pun Day...) "Wait, wasn't Lame Pun Day eight months ago?" I asked suspiciously. "Nope, it's every thirtieth of June. Which is today!" he answered cheerfully. I eyed him.

I checked my phone to make sure... and it was indeed 'Lame Pun Day'. "When was this even legitimate?" I sighed. "Umm. Since 2008, I think? I don't remember," he confessed a little sheepishly. I rolled my eyes. "So you're going to pun me dead for the entire day?" I groaned. He nodded energetically. "How did you know?" "Because I KNOW you, Mattie," I snapped. Puns are nice. You like them, Emily, you're just protesting for the sake of appearances.

I conveniently ignored my Second/Third/Fourth Thoughts... And stepped on a tack. "OWW!" I yelped, collapsing onto the floor, clutching my foot. Matthew tried to stifle a laugh (but failed). "You could say that was... TACKY!" he smirked. "Shut UP, Harper, and help me up," I ordered. "No way, Fox, get to the POINT," he shot back. "If you're not going to help a distressing damsel, could you please just shut up?" "I'd said KNIFE try, but nah, you're on your own."

Matthew's POV

I chortled at Emily's killer glare, before walking out the open doors of the creaky lift. She slowly got up, hand on the 'open door' button, and pulled up the tack, wincing. Oh no, is she okay? Yes, she IS, Matthew. Women just dramatise everything to make men feel guilty. Oh. Okay. Emily pulled herself up and strode out of the lift. Then promptly stabbed me in the hand. With the rusty tack.

"Oh, my G- What the hell!" I protested. "You deserved it," Emily replied. "At least I didn't stab you with a FREAKING PIN!" "At least I didn't IGNORE SOMEONE WHO HAD FALLEN DOWN!" "At least I didn't run into a burning classroom to save kids that were already outside!" "At least I didn't try to kill you with stupid and lame puns!" We glared at each other, not moving. Until some cheeky student wolf-whistled. LOUDLY.

We immediately spun around (synchronised!) and scanned the gathered crowd of early birds. "Who did that?" Emily demanded. No one dared to reply... I gave my feared 'Death Glare' that all my students knew well. There were a few muted shuffles in the direction of the hall. "Go on," Emily snapped. "And HIS NAME IS!" one boy yelled. "JOHN CENA!" All the other students finished, laughing. 

Emily's POV

I stared at the pupils in shock. HAVE THEY NO SHAME? Emily, they're just PLAYING, calm down! No, I cannot calm down... When I turned around to ask Matthew, I saw my immature colleague laughing. "Ma-Mr Harper!" I berated. He raised an eyebrow and asked, "Yeah?" "I expected more of you." I swept away in a huff. Immature... Overgrown CHILD! I plonked down on my usual bench at the back.

Emily, don't be childish, you're throwing a silly fit. You're not angry at Matthew, you're angry at yourself. Now snap out of it! I scowled and ignored myself, then whipped out a copy of Hamlet, flicking to the page I stopped at. Eyes without feeling, feeling without sight, ears without hands or eyes, smelling sans all, or but a sickly part of one true sense could not so mope... 

I managed to wade through a few pages before someone plucked my book out from my hands from behind. "Matthew. Return. It." He shuffled round me to stand in front of me. "Well, umm, sorry for being stupid," he muttered. I tilted my head very slightly to the side. Is he being sarcastic? Is this apology sincere? Oh, damn it all, Fox, stop being so darn picky! He's said sorry, just accept it graciously. Don't put on airs. It's almost as stupid as Steinfield.

Matthew's POV

We half-drowned in the awkward silence. "So you scolded the kids?" Emily asked quietly. I nodded mutely, fiddling with the browned pages. "I... I'm sorry too, for storming off like that," she suddenly said. "Y-Yeah," I stuttered, with a loss of words. "So... can you PLEASE return me my book?" I blinked. "Yeah. Yeah, sure." I carefully slid the worn book into her outstretched hand, carefully avoiding hand and eye contact.

She took the book and I skedaddled, to put it shortly. Darn it, Matthew, you should have made a bad pun! Go back and break the tension, say one of your dumb puns! That is singularly THE MOST amazing advice you've given me. I complied and planned out a pun, leaning casually against the railing outside, my favourite perch. I could feel the icy wind stinging my back, hear the early swallows scream into the gale, see the sky change in it's millions of shades of blue. 

I finally worked up the courage and walked back to Emily, readying the lamest pun/joke I knew. "Hey, Emily," I called. "Hmm?" She didn't bother looking at me. "Do you know why I've made so many bad science jokes? 'Cause all the good ones ARGON!" I gave her the double guns hand thing. "What. What? WHAT?" she groaned. (A/N: To all my 9Rs out there: ML technique, anyone?) 

Emily's POV

I watched as Matthew laughed, child-like. So, on impulse, I reached out and whacked him on the arm. "Hey!" he complained, grin fading away. "Serves you right for lame puns, Harper," I retorted, unable to control a smile. "Meanie," he accused in a fake spoilt-brat voice, before walking away in his bouncing steps. I smirked at his retreating back. What an idiot. You're still friends with him. So no, you don't actually mean it. 

I knew that! Oh, did you? YES I DID! You don't know everything! I'm still in charge here. Well, I know all that YOU know. I'm technically you. So... And we're in JOINT command. Whatever! Just let me READ. The world's stupid. Just like you! Shut up, me. I'm trying to concentrate. While I was busy arguing with myself, I almost - ALMOST, mind you - failed to notice a new teacher going up on stage. "Hello, school, today I'd like to introduce a new teacher, transferred over from Greenville Middle School. Please give it up for Ms Diane Simmons!"

A/N: Hooray! 'Tis done! What is this Ms Diane like??? Credits to @yuenwrites and her AWESOME book The Hoodie Girl which gave me a little bit of inspiration for Lame Pun Day (but I made the rest up myself). Thank you all!