cowan ☆ some things never change

Chapter 16

Rowan's pov

It had been a month since my mom died, and we were doing worse than I thought.

It was about that time of year that the air was getting brisk, and the tips of the leaves started to turn into breathtaking colors.

The leaves were falling, and you could hear the crunching beneath your feet as you walked.

Autumn was always my favorite season.  Comfy clothes, coffee, and the everything turned beautiful.

We were about a third into shooting season four.  I was very sad that it would be ending soon, but I enjoyed the time I had with the people I loved.

I had learned to treasure the time, because you never know when someone might leave your life.

Carmen always stayed with the next door neighbor or came to set with me.  She was only 9 (AN: I made her this young on purpose, I know she's 12.) so staying home alone wasn't a very good idea.

I would probably have fell into a deeper depression if it wasn't for my friends being by my side.

They made some thing easier, but nothing ever filled that hole of emptiness in my heart.

Some nights were hard.  Especially since my dad would be away for two more months.  We would run out of food, and have to walk miles to get some.

I was running out of money, and had no idea where to get more.

Those nights I would cut myself.  I hated myself for not being good enough for Carmen.  She would sleep in my bed every night.  Which actually made me feel safer too.

I was sitting in my trailer waiting for them to call me to set.  My phone was blowing up with notifications from Instagram. 

People were making fun of me.  And taunting me with the fact that my mom had died.  It was so hard for me to read them.

I went into the bathroom and took out my razor.  One, two, three, four cuts across.

I always stopped once I couldn't see my wrists anymore from all the blood.  I heard a knock at my door.

"Rowan the loud speakers broken, so Michael wanted me to tell you to come to set," said a familiar voice from outside my door.

I set my razor down and pulled up the sleeves of my white sweater. 

"Okay I'm coming Corey," I replied as I put on my shoes and walked out the door.

I kept my hands in my jean pockets because I knew he'd try to grab one if they weren't.

When we got to set we all set up for our closed taping.  By the time we got where everyone else was, the blood was seeping through my sleeves.  It was stained red all around.

I gasped at the sight of my wrists, and quickly pulled them into my pockets before anyone could see.

I ran over to Michael.  "Can I get a new sweater before we start?" I asked him.

"Why do you need one?" he asked.

"Just because I do," I insisted.

"Rowan were staring in a minute, we don't have that kinda time."

I sighed and walked away.  What was I going to do?  I ran to the bathroom and put my sweater under the sink.

I saw the red run down into the drain, but the color seemed to stay with the sweater.

"In 30 seconds!" I heard them call.

I quickly ran out and got into place for my scene.  I hope no one will notice.

Half way through the first scene I hear them yell, "cut!"

"Rowan, why is your sweater red in some parts?" they asked.

"Um, that's why I need a new one." I said.  I could feel all their eyes on me.  They knew what was going on.

I got up and ran to wardrobe closing the door behind me.  The tears started to flow.

I tried to hold it all in, but I wasn't strong enough.  I'll never be strong enough.

I heard a knock.

"Row? It's Corey, open up." I heard him call from behind the door.

I didn't hesitate to open it, since I knew he'd brake it if I didn't.

"What's going on? I thought you were clean." he said.

"I-I am.  It's just fruit punch." I told him holding my hands behind my back.

"Rowan I'm not playing games with you," he whispered.

"N-neither am I!" I replied.

"Rowan stop lying to me.  This isn't funny."

"I-I'm not."

"Then how did you get fruit punch on the sleeves of your sweater?"

I looked up at him.  His eyes were sympathetic.  I knew he cared, but I didn't want to make it his problem.

"I don't want you to worry," I said softly.

He walked over to me and wrapped his arms around me while resting his chin on top my head. 

I took deep breaths trying to stop myself from crying.  I cry too much. 

We pulled apart and he went deeper into the room.

"Here," he said taking an identical white sweater off the rack and handing it to me.

"Thanks," I said softly.  He kissed me on the forehead and left me to change.

When I came out from changing everyone was looking at me.  I knew they felt sorry for me, and I didn't want them to.

We all stood in silence until I broke it, "so are we going to film today or not?"

"U-uh yes.  Places everyone."

I walked over and sat in the fake classroom.  I wished I had a life like Riley Matthews.

Everyone liked her, she was happy all the time.  Maybe that's why it's so easy for me to play her.  Because I wish I had it that good.  Doesn't everyone?

After filing I walked to my trailer.  My shaking hands trembled with the knob.  I went inside and sat on the couch.

I knew Corey was going to come over and give me a lecture about self-harm, so I decided to leave early.

I walked alone through the cool night.  It was a 3 mile walk to my house, but I didn't mind.

I liked walking.  It cleared my head.

When I got home, Carmen was sitting on the couch.

"What are you doing here?" I asked.

"Mrs. S said she had to go out and I didn't want to go, so I told her that you were home."

"Carmen I don't feel safe with you being here alone."

"But-"

"That's it," I said sternly.  I didn't want to be hard on her, but I had to make her understand her boundaries.

I went upstairs and laid down on my bed with my head in my hands.

When were things going to get better?

*************************************

Alright so I'm back from vacation, but I have tryouts this week so I'll try to be active.

Thank you for reading!

xoxo,
@riarklerucas

ps I didn't proof read, oops.