Secrets | Zayn Malik

» Prologue «

Maci,

By the time you read this, I'll probably be on a plane going back to London. Now, don't suddenly drop this letter and come running after me, because I'm telling you now, there's no point. 

Remember when we first met? I don't regret one moment of it, not one moment. Although, it was a bit of a cliche.

I have a few things to ask you though; questions that I've continued to ask you.

Why? Why did you come up and talk to me that one day, when you could've ignored me like everyone else? Why did you leave your friends to spend every second with to me? Much less call it done between you and your boyfriend? Why were you so interested in me? Why were you always there for me? Why did you even care?

"Because I do" would always be your answer. And then there was that moment when you told me you loved me.

I'm actually chuckling as I'm writing this sentence down, for love is a funny thing if you think about it. I don't even know how to describe it; is it a feeling? An emotion? Because if it is, then I'm fucked, for I'm probably the coldest person in this entire world who's too much of a dick to feel what love is.

I don't deserve it, Maci. The ways you've treated me, I truly don't deserve it. 

Why did you come after me? Out of all the boys that you know of, you go after me. 

Why?

"Because I love you" was what you said.

Ha, there it is again. The word love. 

Honestly, it's a ridiculous thing if you ask me. 

I'm not one of those sappy romantic boys who will take you out to expensive dinners or go with you on long walks on the beach, if you haven't noticed yet.

I always told myself that I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than spend eternity with the person I truly love, because deep down I know I would never be good enough for them.

And just now, as I'm writing this down, I've come to realize something.

Something that I've actually been keeping from you, because I didn't know how to tell you.

I don't love you. Call me a dick, a bastard, whatever the fuck you want to, but I don't love you. It's as simple as that.

And now, I need you to tell yourself you don't love me either, because I'm not worth your time. There are so many other guys out there that are much, much better than me.

I'm not worth loving, Maci. 

So after you read this letter, I need you to completely forget about me. Forget all those moments we spent together, for they're not worth keeping as memories.

And neither am I. 

So erase your mind of me.

Delete my number and all of our messages; I'm getting a new number so there's no point in keeping either of them.

You know how I always said, "it's not a goodbye, Maci, I'll be seeing you soon" and you always replied with, "I'll see you later then"?

Well this time, it's different.

Because this is a goodbye. You don't have to worry about seeing me anymore, because you won't.

ʑ