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Chapter Five- Delve

It was as if everything that had just begun to have prospects suddenly collapsed down around him.

He had truly believed he was doing the right thing by leaving Oklahoma and going back to MacKenzie. He didn't even think there was a doubt in his mind preventing him from doing so. Of course he was ashamed for leading Dahlia on so much and giving her a sort of false hope, but Roy knew she would eventually get over it. And he didn't think he was that much of a bad person because of it.

Everything came over Roy all at once.

MacKenzie was still standing next to him, despite Roy making it clear he did not want her there.

"Roy...calm down."

It seemed as though he could not fill his lungs with air. They would not expand. Quick, shallow breaths were all he could manage.

"Roy. Calm down." MacKenzie's words audiated as if at the end of a tunnel, and Roy couldn't find any piece of him to respond.

His entire body tensed and his hands trembled.

"Okay, count backwards slowly from one hundred..."

A choking sensation rose in Roy's throat.

"Focus on breathing, okay?" She knelt down to Roy's level and squeezed Roy's hand tightly.

Instinctively he wanted to push her away, but found he physically could not.

"Breathe. In and out. Focus on my voice, Roy. Focus on my voice...Roy...Roy...concentrate on me...c-concentrate on my voice..."

It's okay...

It's okay...

It's okay...

Gradually, Roy's lungs expanded and cool air filled his chest. His face was flushed and MacKenzie slowly let go of his hand before cautiously embracing him.

He cried. A lot. Actual sobs. And MacKenzie hugged him back without saying anything. She talked him out of a panic attack. What the fuck is she? And he was letting himself break down in front of her.

But did it matter? After all, this wasn't the worst state MacKenzie had found him in.

Roy was uncertain whether this was guilt or actual grief. And he wasn't sure which would be worse. And he didn't want to know.

MacKenzie sat on the floor next to Roy and crossed her legs. She continued to hold Roy's hand. He couldn't find it in him to cry anymore. He had never cried after a panic attack either. He would usually stare blankly into space, uncertain about what to do next.

Instead this time he stared into MacKenzie's sad, concerned eyes, looking back up at him in utmost caring. Lovely and wild. He didn't know what to say, if to thank her for talking him back into reality, say something else, or say nothing at all. His vocal cords felt numb. Sparks lit through his body. He wanted to go to sleep.

"Have you lost anyone before?"

"No," Roy replied faintly.

"My, uh, a few years ago...when I had moved to my own place with Alice."

Oh so they were living together together???

"We got a telephone installed. Dad put it in actually. No one is ever rang. My brother, Adam, though. Not Alice's. My full brother. He'd call. He'd call a lot actually." She swallowed heavily. "One day he didn't."

MacKenzie stood up and stretched. She put her hands on the back of Roy's wheelchair and proceeded to roll him over to the bed. He absolutely hated being pushed. Actually, it rather infuriated him, and he assumed MacKenzie knew this but didn't protest and kind of just tensed up...tensed...he always seemed to be tensed...

MacKenzie took off her shoes and lay down with a heavy sigh.

"They found him the day he jumped. There were witnesses. He wouldn't have survived, though. No one could've saved him. I guess that's why I was maybe drawn to your case when you first came to the hospital. I guess that's why Alice distanced herself from you and humped Sinclair because she just couldn't deal with it knowing my brother. Guess it's why I wanted to spend time with you but was too afraid. Guess...I'm sorry, I'm talking about myself."

"No, keep talking."

"What I'm getting at is unexpected death is fucking painful no matter how they died and it's gonna make you sick and it's gonna make you angry and it's gonna make you feel guilty..."

Roy nodded.

"You cared for this girl. I know it. And I wasn't in the picture, and I shouldn't have expected you to act like I was. You cared for her and she cared for you. And she's gone. And I'm sorry."

"She was pregnant..." His voice was barely a whisper.

"And I'm sorry."

Roy transferred onto the bed. Sometimes it took more effort. He could barely lift himself. His whole body felt heavy and tingly. Sometimes he didn't even see the point. He'd be better off just falling into the floor like the last depressive spell where he ended up there for three days. Not with MacKenzie. Not now.

He lay his head back on the pillow and MacKenzie lay her head on his chest. He just couldn't put his arms around her.

"She actually woke up once and kind of freaked out because she hadn't menstruated yet. And then she did. But I'm guessin' that was a false alarm, I didn't think she was. I didn't think she was."

"Would things be different if you had known?" MacKenzie asked.

Roy closed his eyes.  He didn't answer her.