Leap

Chapter Thirty Two- West Coast Smoker

And including Roy's agreement with not knowing what to do were the next several days absolute nonsensical. In a sense, despite being only 27 and not having a single grey hair, Roy Walker was going through a midlife crisis.

Of course it all came down to the one year anniversary of his accident, that was for certain. It crept towards him slowly, and seemed to approach slower every day. And it didn't feel real until Roy happened to be back at the apartment collecting the last of his things for MacKenzie's house when he got a phone call reminder for a one year followup appointment.

One year.

And the mention of a followup appointment made him unnecessarily angry. Followup on still being crippled? He didn't understand why he had to go back there. He didn't want to go back to the hospital. What were they going to do? It was a day after the day, Roy was at least glad of that.

Because he woke up that morning, the one year day, the day, the accident day, far much earlier than MacKenzie would have been up. She was sound asleep, dead to the world, completely vulnerable.

At first he watched her sleep, he watched her chest slowly move up and down. But then he couldn't get himself to look at her anymore. He gazed out the curtain less window, the sun slowly rising from the east.

He closed his eyes, paying attention to the parts of his body he could feel touching the bed. He clenched his fists, he focused on the energy traveling down his neck. He didn't envision himself kicking out like he did every morning, he knew it was futile.

Roy slowly pushed himself up on his elbows.  He glanced back over at MacKenzie, who was still sleeping soundly. He pulled himself into his wheelchair and wheeled over to her side of the bed.

He stroked MacKenzie's cheek and kissed her forehead. She inhaled deeply and turned the other way.

And once again Roy couldn't bring himself to continue to look at her.

He shut the bedroom door quietly and quickly glanced into Alice's room, the door open just a crack.

Thank you, Alice, he thought to himself.

He would remind himself often the only reason he slept in MacKenzie's bed each night was because he ended up in the hospital. And Roy wasn't sure if he would take back his actions if he could. If he and Alice stayed together, he would have met MacKenzie eventually, but not that way.

The morning air was cool. Dew graced the grass. It felt like Spring in Chickasha, but he knew the weather would just get more stifling as the day went on.

He rolled the windows down in the car. The breeze blew his hair back from his face. He studied himself in the rear view mirror. He had neglected to shave his face that morning, mostly because MacKenzie preferred him that way. A year ago he obsessively kept his face clean-shaven. A year ago he did a lot of things.

Roy knew exactly where he was going. He lit a cigarette and stuck the keys in the ignition.

It was just light enough to see where he was driving. He wondered what would happen if he let go of the steering wheel. He smiled. Nothing left to lose?

He slowly drove down an unmarked path exiting the main road, stopping suddenly at the bottom of an embankment.

Roy shut the engine off quickly.

How could a place like this look so beautiful with just a sunrise?

Roy lit another cigarette and closed his eyes. He couldn't even hear the birds. The slight ripple of the river's current made Roy's brow crease. It was unimaginable how deafening it could be sometimes.

He had smoked about a half of pack when he finally opened his eyes again.

His back hurt.

It wasn't so beautiful anymore.

The abandoned rail bridge, closed off for commercial use, open for movies. Used for years but put to rest by the railing company.

Roy felt empty. He couldn't find just one thing to focus his eyes on. His heart was racing. His palms were sweaty, and he had noticed he had smoked the entire pack of cigarettes like the night he was stranded outside the apartment building.

Roy nodded to himself.

Stop thinking about everything so much. You're breaking your own heart.

He vaguely remembered being dragged onto the side of the river. He vaguely remembered a lot of things but could never piece them completely together.

He had began to panic when he realized he wasn't coming up from the water. He spaced out at some point, recalling being dragged out of the river and onto the bank and being told to walk it off. And he didn't respond immediately because he couldn't seem to get the words out. But when his body fell limply beneath him, those around him grew considered, and Roy would like to think he must have passed out from shock. Or maybe he didn't want to remember what the pain felt like.

Roy cleared his throat, gazing down at the water below. He nodded again. He squeezed his right thigh, and looked up again at the bridge blocking the striking morning sun.

He didn't say anything.