He Doesn't Even Know I'm Alive! | version 1

43: Suicide Is The Answer

I was a month clean. Not anymore. All the bullying carried on. I didn't tell Riker one bit. He didn't care. He said it himself. I had to hide all of this in my head and it was killing me like crazy.
I still loved Riker however. It's really weird. I love him yet I hate him. I hate this feeling. Today I had my daily dose of bullying and went home. I cried and then cut. Time table forever. I wish it'll all stop. Why did I ever think me and Riker could be a thing? It's just mucked up and ruined. All because of me.
Rydel invited me over to make cake with her. I got into black jeans, a white top and I found a black hoodie. Rikers black hoodie. I shrugged and put it on and went over. Rydel opened the door. The house was really quiet. "I forced all the boys away so it's a girls house! We need a break from boys" she said.
"Aw thanks!" I thank her. We made the cakes and ate some. I had a small slice and took some in a container for Grace,
Natalie & Lydia. After we just talked.
"Lena I just wanna say that I'm sorry. You don't deserve any of this and I don't know how people could be so cruel!" She says sadly. What the...
"How do you know?" I ask.
"We all saw the hate" she says. Phew!
"Oh" I say. She hugged me. "I think that's what you need right now!"
And guess what? She was right.
"Your a great friend Rydel. Seriously. I don't know what I'd do without you"
"Aw thanks Len!" We hug again and then I heard the someone coming.
"Hey Rydel Hey- Lena?" Seriously.
"Hi Riker" I reply.
"What's up?" He asks.
"I was just leaving. Thanks for the cake Rydel" I say getting up. She smiles and I leave.

I was half way home when a group of girls stopped me. "Lena" oh no.
"Hey Krissie" I say.
"What you doing?" She asks.
"Going home" I reply.
"Did you break up with him?" She asks.
"N-no he wasn't-" OUCH
"I told you to break up with him! If you don't things will be even worse!"
"I can't break his heart!" I reason.
"He never loved you anyway. All you want is attention and he's faking. He doesn't care about you. No one does"
She's right. But I couldn't admit it.
"Please don't make me do this!" I beg.
"Shut up. You made this situation a whole lot worse for yourself" she snapped her fingers and her army crowded me. This is getting ugly...

"Next time do as I say!" She spat.
They all walked away. I got up. In pain.
They even took my cake! And I ran. All the way home. I got in and threw my hoodie off and ran to the bathroom. I locked the door and searched for what I needed. I backed up against the wall and cried. I slid it vertically across my arm. The pain travelled through my body. And I didn't stop. I made another. And another. Soon my arm was bloody and cut. I was about to start on my next arm when the door opened.
I stood up, frightened. And guess who walked in. My boyfriend! "Lena what are you doing!?" He exclaims. I can't believe this. I couldn't speak. My friggin boyfriend walked in on my self harming. He came over to me. He was angry. He's gonna scream and yell and hate me and hit me and- hug me?
"Lena what happened?" He asks.
"I was thinking to much" I admit
"Do you wanna talk?" Seriously?
"I'd rather not" I say in a low voice.
"Lena please. Why are you doing this?"
"You said you didn't care" I reply.
"What? I'd never say that to you!"
"You said that" I say quietly.
"I never said that!" He exclaims.
"What do this mean then:
"I don't want to! You know that!"
"I don't care right now!"?" I ask him.
"I didn't mean that" he stammers.
"are you sure?" I ask. He nods to me.
"Lena is that why you did this?"
"I was thinking ok?" I say.
"Suicide isn't the answer" he says.
"Suicide is the answer" I reply.
"Lena how could you say that!?"
"You'd understand if your like me"