Letters From Society's Creation

Letter Thirty Two

"Sometimes you gotta fall before you fly." -Sleeping With Sirens




I find myself sitting on my bed eating a Nature Valley bar as I write and confess myself to you. It has been two weeks since I promised I would be back tomorrow. I am sorry. My life you could say, has been a bit crazy. I mean when isn't it? Lately though, it has been such a roller coaster ride. First of all though, hello. How are you today? I am alright, if I must say. I am missing my field hockey game this evening because I am a bit under the weather. I hope my team does alright without me... I'm sure they will. I guess I should fill you in on what has been happening lately. It is a lot and I hate to bother you, but I also must warn you... It isn't all that great.




Let me go back to when school started. Of course no one is ever truly happy about school starting, I know I wasn't, but it has to happen. My classes are a complete joke this year. I just want it to be over with. I honestly cannot stand most of the people in my classes. Not that I am one to judge, but they are all a bunch of a-holes. Believe me love, you wouldn't like them either. School isn't really bothering me up to this point though. The work load isn't that rough and my classes aren't that difficult for honors courses. Hopefully it stays this way.




My boyfriend is the love of my life. I can tell you that I am more than head over heels in love with this boy. He is my world. Every day that we spend together is just as special and amazing as the last. He makes me the happiest girl in the entire universe. Darling, I don't know what to do about it. My love for him is endless. If I could be with him every second of my life, I would. Cupid hit me hard.




Things with my family have been iffy. Fights have been happening a lot and I cry most nights. I hate to inform you but I cut. It was a horrible night. The night before my birthday, actually. I had been crying all day and my boyfriend was so worried. There I went though, home alone, I found myself in my bathroom with a knife to my wrist. Pressing the blade into my skin and slowly dragging it, I watched the blood rise. What a feeling. I know it was wrong and I know I shouldn't have done that but once a cutter always a cutter. No matter how hard I try, I just can't stop. I will always slip up, won't I? I'm just that much of a failure, huh? Sigh. I try my best but my best is never good enough. That's one thing that leads to my depression. Not being good enough. For example, my boyfriend. I will never feel good enough for that boy. He is so wonderful, literally. He is very intelligent, he is on the varsity football and lacrosse team. He has high dreams and his future is so bright. How did he end up with me? I'm not going anywhere in life except hell.




My birthday wasn't that bad this year. I had a lovely dinner where I received a diamond heart shaped necklace from my family. I really love it. My family threw me a "surprise" birthday party the following Saturday, only it wasn't a surprise. One thing about my friends and my boyfriend, they are horrible liars. The party was very nice though. My ten closest friends from school came over and we all sat around my fire pit. We played little games, ate food, talked, laughed. It was wonderful. My boyfriend of course, held me the entire time which was perfect. My favorite part of the night though, had to be when one of my best friends smashed a cupcake in my face which lead to a frosting war between my boyfriend, my best friend, and myself. I wish you could have been there.




Since my birthday party, things have been a bit complex. My suicidal tendencies have been over the roof. My boyfriend has been so beyond worried. He's even threatened that if I go, he goes. That he can't imagine living in a world without me. That he promised we'd be together forever so he'd have to die and be with me wherever the after life takes us. It hurts to know he feels that way. I mean in a way it's nice to know he loves and cares for me that much, but I would never want him to do that. His life is so precious.




I'm not really sure why these feelings are happening so often. I thought I was getting better but I guess not. As far as today, like I had said earlier, I'm alright. I'm sick and there isn't much to say. I'm not happy but I'm not depressed either. I guess you could say I'm in the middle, but I don't really know what the middle is. It is unimportant anyway.




I don't want to ruin your innocent mind anymore, so I guess I will leave you for the night. Stay strong, my dear.




I love you to the moon and back.