Letters From Society's Creation

Letter Eleven

I have let you down. I have let myself down. It all happened so fast, I wasn't thinking at all. My heart was racing and I was upset. It just sort of happened.

I was at my mother's house getting some clothes for the week. She came into my room yelling and screaming. She started to throw things at me and all around my room. I was getting really upset. I ran to the kitchen, grabbed my knife and ran to the bathroom. Inside the bathroom I stood in front of the mirror crying. Staring at my own reflection, I couldn't help but point out all my imperfections and flaws. Next thing I knew, I was dragging my knife down my arm. Seven new battle wounds to add to the others.

I felt nothing. Nothing at all. No pain, nothing. I still don't. I forgot how good it feels to feel nothing. I like it. It's like I can forget about everything for the time being. Like I have no worries. Like I am care free.

This is bad. No, Alex, you cannot think this way. I will not go down this road again, yet here I am with fresh cuts up my arm. I am so sorry. I am so so sorry. I can't believe I did this. I'm so stupid. I am so so so so stupid.

Can I explain? It's just, I can't take it anymore. One day things seem to be getting better, then the next it's complete hell. It's wearing me out. It's tearing me into little tiny pieces. You know what I mean? I hope you don't, but if you do, then see?

To top things off about the guilt of cutting, I'm extremely sick. My entire body aches, my head is killing me, my throat is on fire, I have the chills, I am nauseous, and stuck with a temperature of 102 (Fahrenheit, depending on where you make your living).

I hope you aren't angry with me about cutting. It was a mistake and I promise, I promise on our friendship, I won't do it again. If you are angry with me though, I understand. It was wrong and I shouldn't have done it. But hey, everybody makes mistakes, I just hope you can forgive me.

I hope your day was great! If not, I bet tomorrow will be better. You can't have a rainbow without a little rain. Smile, it looks good on you.