AWARE (After Allegiant)

Chapter Three - I'm Not Okay

Zeke

Four isn't doing well. He's been put into a drug induced sleep because the doctors can't handle his breakdowns. Every time he has a meltdown his heart rate sky rockets and freaks the fudge out of the doctors.

They said if he keeps on having panic attacks they're going to have to put him to sleep. I didn't agree with them at first but what could I do, I'm not a professional. I don't know what's going on.

One panic attack later and here we are, with an unconscious Four in front of me and a very bored and worried Zeke. I told everyone about what they're going to do. They weren't happy about it either but still, they agreed.

Four didn't mind, he didn't fight, he just let them do it. I think he just wanted an escape. I understand that but I kinda miss having that annoyingly grumpy Four scolding me all the time.

It's a good thing that they're waking him up now.

Tobias

I keep on having these strange dreams. Dreams about Tris and the life I left behind in Dauntless. Dreams about Marcus and Evelyn, getting beaten every Wednesday. Dreams are how my repressed memories comeback. I though this 'sleep' would be an escape but I'm not escaping anything.

Marcus continues whipping me with his belt, I don't feel it but I scream anyway. My ten-year-old self has pain washed over his face and blood dripping down his back.

I see mum, Evelyn, walking up the stairs with a determined face. She's come to save me again.

"Oh please stop Marcus and come to our room with me." She says in the calmest voice she can muster. She doesn't want to do this, I can see it in her eyes but she would rather it be her than me.

Marcus stops to turn and look at his wife. He has a menacing look on his face. He drops the belt and brings my mother towards him. He kisses her roughly and sloppily.

That's not how you kiss a woman.

Then Marcus begins to disappear, Evelyn too. Now me. First the blood on my back vanishes, then the scars and then me.

"There he is!" Zeke says excitedly. I smile a small, weak smile.

+++

I got out of the hospital two weeks ago now. I'm eating a bit better, drinking more water, socializing more than I used to. It shouldn't be like this, I should be fine, I mean, I only knew her for about six months but I still feel like shit. I hate feeling like this: empty. It's just hard. It's hard living without her. I don't want to do it anymore, I really don't.

"Four? Hello? Four?"

I snap out of my grief filled daze and look at Zeke. I often blackout when someone's talking to me and don't hear a single thing they say. I guess it's just easier than having to speak to people. Especially when they don't hide the fact that they feel sorry for me. I don't need their pity. All they ever want to talk about is if I'm doing okay. And no I'm not. But I don't say that. That would be an excuse for them to start a conversation with me. Conversations usually go like this.

"Hey, Four. How are you today?"

I feel like my insides have been ripped out of me, stomped on and then chucked into a trash compactor.

"I'm fine." I'd say.

"You don't look like it. Do you want to talk about?" They'd say, trying to be comforting.

"I said, I'm fine. And no, I don't want to talk about it." I'd snap through gritted teeth. Then I'd walk away.

I can see Zeke's mouth moving but I don't here anything he's saying.

"What?" I say. He sighs.

"I said you're going to hurt your hand." I look down at my hand. I have been clutching on the the end of the table and my knuckles have gone white. I finished eating my food a while ago and started to listen to Zeke talk about, I don't know. Obviously, I zoned out again and began thinking about Tris.

"Oh, thanks." I let go of the table and take a deep breath. Inhale. Exhale.

"So, have you written your speech yet?" He asks.

"No." I sigh. With that I walk away. I don't want to converse with people that remind of Tris more than I need to. Which sadly, is almost everyone. I can't talk to Zeke for too long without tears welling up in my eyes, I can't talk to Christina, Cara, or Caleb. Although, I try to talk to Caleb as often as possible, to see if he resembles Tris in any way, shape or form. But he doesn't. Her eyes were deep ocean blue, his eyes are hazel. Her voice was strong and powerful, his voice is weak, on the verge of surrender. Her body was soft yet striking, his body is flimsy and frail. Her personality was stubborn and passionate, his personality is greedy and dramatic. He does not resemble her in any way, he is the complete opposite.

I don't really know where I'm walking to, I guess my room?

The corridors blur as I walk through. Tears fill my eyes as I blink them away.

When I enter my room a sudden wave of grief overwhelms me. I crumple to the floor, unable to support myself. And I cry. I cry all the tears that should have come but didn't. At that moment, I expect Tris to walk in and sit beside me and comfort me. I want her to tell me it's okay. I want her to be with me. But she doesn't arrive. Because she's gone.

"YOU KNOW, IT WOULD'VE BEEN A LOT EASIER IF I HAD NEVER MET YOU!" I scream into thin air. Immediately after the words leave my mouth a feel a pang of guilt. My lips feel numb but my heart aches for her.

"I didn't mean that, Tris." I whisper to myself.

"I would rather this than never have met you at all." And it's true. I would rather feel this pain, even though it hurts like a bitch, then to have never had her in my life. She was my everything and I let her slip through my fingers. The Tris that I once knew, the one that was brave and selfless and smart and honest and kind, the one that risked her life in order to save others, the one that loved me, is gone. She still loved me after what I did to her, I lied to her countless amounts of times because I thought I was keeping her safe when really, I was putting her in more danger. I should have listened to her. And God, do I hate myself every day for it. I pick up a pen and grab a piece of paper and begin to write. I let my emotions spill onto the page.

Life without you sucks right now Tris. Being without you sucks. Living without you sucks. Everything sucks. I just miss you. I don't know if me saying this will come across as rude or mean but honestly, I don't care. Oh god, I sound like the Candor. Tris, it shouldn't have been you, you shouldn't of gone to the Weapons Lab it should have been Caleb. He was being a cruel and horrible brother, he owed you his life. But being the selfless girl you were, you took his place. I'm not mad at you anymore, I'm not mad at him anymore, I'm just tired. I'm tired of being mad, of grieving, of trying to be happy when I'm not, I'm tired of being tired. I want it to be back to normal, back to a time when we were in Dauntless, fighting side by side. I miss it. But it wouldn't be the same without you.

A tear lands on the page.

Tris, I'm so happy I met you, I'm so happy I was a part of your life and that you were a part of mine. Thank you for showing me what true love is, before you, I didn't think it existed. Thank you for being there when I really needed you. Thank you for letting me love you. Thank you, for everything.

Another tear.

I love you, Tris. See you later.

A.N

Hey guys, I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Hopefully it gave you the feels. If you see any grammatical errors, spelling errors, punctuational errors or storyline errors etc. please, don't hesitate to tell me in the comments. This chapter was inspired but Sage_writes, What It Feels Like.

Be brave.

Love Izzy