Look Closer | Mavi | Dreamingletters & LittleCarokind

16. Don't Be Afraid

I gulp. What would Scott say when he finds out that it's Mitch? "Well he's... it's Mitch."

"O-kay." That's the only thing Scott says before he falls silent for a while. "That's new."

"Is this a problem?" I ask almost bashful. The expression on his face is unreadable and I'm not sure what to make out of his reaction.

"No, not at all." He flashes me an honest smile. "It's just something that I hadn't had on my list. So tell me more. Maybe I can help you figure things out better. There's more to it than just you doubting your feelings."

I take another deep breath. "Well it all began when he came over after a date gone wrong last week. We talked and jammed a little bit. The next day we had coffee and got a little bit closer. We exchanged a little bit of PDA, because his date was there and we wanted to brush him off, because he was being an asshole. I think that's when I started to realise that there's more to Mitch. And then we had movie night where we cuddled and actually talked. And yesterday... we kissed" I explain.

"Suddenly everything makes sense. Mitch being overly ecstatic when he came home from your movie-night. You falling asleep together two days ago..." he muses.

I smile when I remember all these things. My mind wanders off and I think about the talk Mitch and I had yesterday or rather his part in it. I sigh softly.

"But you're not sure, are you? What does Mitch say to all of this?"

"Well, he said yes to helping me exploring myself. But I'm scared. Scared of hurting him in the end. He told me yesterday, after our kisses, that I shouldn't put a label on me and call myself bisexual just because I'm attracted to him. He sees himself as a rather feminine person and told me that there's a possibility that I wouldn't like going further with a man. And I am scared that this could be the case. He's got feelings for me and I'm doubting my ability to be with him. And he tries to be strong, to be there as a guide but I know it will crush him if I can't make it work out." Once again I just speak without sorting out sentences or words.

"You put way too much pressure on your kind, caring heart, Avi. Mitch is not trying to be strong, he is just like that. He and I both know how it feels to be in this stage, I already told you. Exploring yourself is important and it's something you cannot do alone. He knows what he's signing up for, believe me." Scott actually manages to convince me with these words.

"But what do I do now? How do we go on?"

Scott chuckles. "That is actually easier than it seems. You just do whatever you'd do with a person you're dating. Go out, enjoy your time together and just live in the moment" he advises. "Take your time, whatever you're doing. You set the pace. And if you've got the feeling that the road you're on is the wrong one, be honest with yourself and with Mitch."

"Thank you" I simply say.

"You're welcome" Scott returns, before falling silent once more as he seems to be thinking. "Avi, I know the next question is personal, but have you ever thought about going further with a man?"

"I..." I start, not sure what to answer.

But I'm saved by Kevin who opens the connecting door and pops his head into the room. "Here you are. Just wanted to tell you that Mitch and Kirstie are back and we'll be at the venue in half an hour so we should get ready to head out." he explains.

"Thanks Kev, we'll be there in a minute" Scott returns.

Once Kevin has closed the door again, he focuses back on me. "You don't have to answer that question if it makes you uncomfortable. We've done a huge load of talking already." He winks at me. "Are you feeling better than you did before?"

"Definitely. Still confused but a little bit of the fog is gone and I'm able to see clearer" I say. "Thank you once again, Scott. It feels good to have someone to talk to."

"I'll always be there, though, Avi. Just give me a sign if you need advice or just someone to vent to" he promises.

I nod acknowledging and take my now lukewarm tea. I take a sip and allow myself to drift off once more when Scott excuses himself from the lounge.

Talking to him has certainly helped me. I know where I stand and what I have to do next. I'm going to ask Mitch out, I'm eager to spend more time with him and discover more both about him and myself. Actually, why don't I ask him out the next time I can get him alone? We'll have a night off after today's show. The perfect opportunity to go on a date!

What I'm not entirely sure of is Scott's last question. Of course, I've thought about me and Mitch. Especially after sleeping with him in my arms during movie night. And when I saw him yesterday only with that towel, I just couldn't help but stare at his body and fantasise about how I want to hold him, touch him, feel him. Yet, I don't know what being with a man will feel like. I know how things work out, but maybe Mitch is right and I cannot deal with a man in bed.

Doubts and confusion come crashing down again and I have to really concentrate to will all these bad thoughts away.

Live in the moment, go at your own pace.
Don't be afraid!
Take that staircase step by step.
Don't be afraid!
You'll only hurt yourself if you jump down from a higher step!
Wouldn't it be better to just step down now?
No! Don't be afraid!

"Don't be afraid!" I actually say these words out loud. I'm feeling calm again and I'm looking forward to be on stage and around our fans again. Plus I'm going to ask Mitch out on our first real date.

Yes, today's going to be a good day!

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