Suicide Diaries

Chapter 10 - Day 28

     Steven looks everywhere but at me. "Autumn," he says, running his hand through his hair. "I was thinking..."

     He stops abruptly at the sound of a door slamming. I hear my name being screamed. Over, and over again. Steven grabs me, tightly wrapping his arms around me. I bury my face in his chest.

      At the same time I wonder: what was he going to say before the slamming? I realize I might not know, maybe for a while.

      There's more slamming from outside the room, followed by my name being called. The voice screeches my name, making my ears hurt. I bury my face further into Steven in an attempt to drown out the screeching sound of my name. Whoever is calling me still hasn't found this room.

     The doorknob jiggles. I guess I spoke too soon.

     Let me in the voice outside the door screeches. I know you're in there.

     "Be completely still," Steven whispers to me. He pulls me closer and I could feel the warmth of his body, the strength of his arms.

     But then the door opens. It's my mother.

     "Get off  of her," my mother screeches. She storms over and shoves Steven away from me, the force of the push throwing him against the wall. Then she turns toward me, her crooked, witch-like finger pointing straight at me. "Where have you been? Who do you think you are?" And with that she punches me straight in the jaw, her fist colliding with my jaw with a low crack. I feel a warm trickle of fluid, probably blood, falling from the corner of my mouth.

     "Admit it," I begin, "You never loved me."

     "I never did, you were a waste that I should have given up for adoption."

     Now it's my turn to hit her. My fist connects with her jaw, and I never felt such relief. The smack of my fist against her jaw brings me joy.

      "Autumn, stop," Steven says, standing in between my mother and I. I put my hand on his chest and move him over to the side, out of my way.

      "Steven, trust me." Walking over to my mother, I shove her so hard she falls to the ground. "I hate you, and you made me hate myself." I kick her sharp in her side, and she lets out an oomf. "My father didn't leave because of me," I kick her again, "But because he thought you were a whore." I kick her again.

      "Autumn!"

      "Leave me alone!" I scream, kicking her again. "She deserves this!" I look straight at her, knowing I definitely did some damage to her. Good. She feels around on the ground for something, pulling herself up using a chair. She looks me straight in the eye, and slaps me across the face. I look at her. "Bitch."

     "Autumn!" I hear my name. Suddenly everything starts getting blurry.

     But then everything is clear.

     What's that bright light? Oh, it's the sun. I hear my name again. Someone is shaking me. I make a weird gurgle-like noise when I try to mutter "stop". The person continues shaking me. Finally, I open my eyes.

     So it was all a dream. I never did beat the shit out of my mother. I wish I did; maybe then my problems would be solved. But no, I fell asleep on the park bench.

     The first thing I see when I open my eyes, besides the piercing light from the sun, is my brother.

      So much for dreams. I swat him away, hitting at his face. "Nick, get away from me."