Suicide Diaries

Chapter 8 - Day 19

Today is day four of me living in the park. Nick said nothing to me on Friday, not that I expected him to. I didn't even tell Kati about it; I don't want her to feel bad for me. I don't want her to offer for me to live with her.

     I get to school early to shower in one of the crappy locker room showers. When I'm done, I let my hair dry slightly and put my beanie on my head in an attempt to hid my poorly washed hair. Yanking on a long-sleeved black t-shirt, I examine my reflection in the mirror. I don't look much shittier than usual. After shoving my bag into my gym locker, I head out of the locker room and into the hallway, which is already starting to fill with other students.

     Why did I even come? I could have easily skipped school. There's still time for me to skip. Maybe I'll just grab my bag...

     The bell rings. That was quick. I guess I'll just go through today. Today can't possibly be that bad.

     I see Steven walking toward me, waving.

     I guess I was wrong.

     Quickly, I run in the opposite direction.

It's been a week since Steven talked to me. A week ago was when he found the cuts on my arms. I know I've been avoiding him. I don't want to talk to him; I don't want his sympathy. Or even him thinking I'm weird. I don't want either of those, I just want to be left alone.

     It sucks that I have first period with him, though. Geometry. He's probably in my class as a junior because he didn't take geometry, wherever he had been.

     Since I'm one of the first in the class, I get to avoid Steven a little better. But when he walks into the room, he passes my desk, dropping a not onto it. When he passes my desk and I know he's in his seat, I unfold the paper, careful not to make too much noise.

     It reads:

                         Autumn -

                              I want to talk to you.

                                                           - S

     I roll my eyes and shove the note into my bag. You might want to talk to me, but don't want to talk to you. Does he think I've been avoiding him for no reason? I want to be left alone, I don't know why he doesn't just get that already.

     Never have I ever paid this much attention in geometry. I hate this class, actually. Why would I give a shit about the tangent of a circle, and the length of the arc? I'm never gonna use this, especially once I'm out of here.

     It's funny, though, how it's actually possible to learn when you actually pay attention. Normally I just ignore class all together and somehow skirt by with a C or a D as a grade. Grades don't even matter to me. It's not like I'm going anywhere in life.

     I'm simply a failure.

      For once the class actually goes by quickly, and I am really upset by that. I don't want Steven coming up to me.

     The bell rings and I rush out of the class, grabbing my books and running out the door. I'm not dealing with Steven, not now.

     Rushing into the bathroom, I check under each of the stalls to see if anyone is there. Empty. Thank God. I take out my razor blade and slice a few times. When I look in the mirror, I notice the bruises on my face are still evident, especially around my eye. There is still some dried up blood at the corner of my eye. I wet my finger and try to clean up some of the blood. The area burns because of my touch and the touch of the water. I didn't realize how hard she hit me, and I didn't realize how bad she hit me. I lift up my shirt; a huge bruise stares at me in the mirror.

     Just then, Kati bursts in. I don't have my shirt down in time. "What's that, Autumn?"

     I lower my shirt. "My mom is an ass, but what else is new." I comb my fingers through my long, stringy, half-dried hair.

     "You know, Steven is looking for you."

     I turn to face her, "I know, I'm trying to avoid him."

     She walks up the the mirror and swipes some eyeliner that had caked under her eye. "He's pretty hot, A, I don't know why he would want anything to do with you." She turns to face me, pulling the sleeves of her cardigan over her hands. "You know what I mean by that."

     I lean against the wall, "I know, it's exactly what I was thinking." I rub my hands over my face. "So what's been going on with you, Kati? You've been so quiet."

     She leans against the sink, crossing her arms over her chest and shrugging. "I've just felt so shitty. You know how it is. I'm starting to feel better than that, though. I wanted to talk to you but I could barely speak without crying."

     I nod. "How's your diary going?"

     "I forget about it a lot. Yours?"

     "I write in it often, just not every day. Nothing really exciting happens."

     She nods. "What do you say we get out of here, go to the diner or something? There's no point in going to class at this point."

     I agree and we leave, walking out the school doors with ease due to the lack of security at our school.

**

The diner is the first time I've had a substantial meal in days, maybe even weeks. I had chicken fingers and fries. It sort of felt good, all the grease and fried-ness. Normally I've only been eating things like bread.

     When I get back to my bench with all my stuff, the sun has already been away for an hour or so. Lately I've been noticing how loose my jeans have gotten, probably from my lack of eating. Last time I checked I was 98 pounds. I know that's underweight, but I don't feel it.

     That's when I hear the clap of thunder and see the flash of lightening.

     Fucking great.

     Within minutes, rain is dripping on the pavement, turning the blacktop to an even darker black. Soon I'm soaked. I grab my stuff and run for the nearest pavilion, settling myself on one of the wooden picnic tables. The rain is so soothing. It's beautiful listening to it. The sound is so much better out here than from inside my room.

     Kati still doesn't know that I'm staying at the park. I want it to stay that way. Either she would offer for me to stay with her or she would want to come, too. I don't want company; I'm perfectly fine here by myself.

     When I was at the diner, I inquired about a job while Kati was in the bathroom. They hired me on the spot. Maybe I'll have enough money to get my own apartment soon.

     Finally on my own.

Thank you so much for reading! Let me know what you think! This chapter is actually shorter than the rest, for the most part.

Here's a picture of Autumn's brother, Nick!