Suicide Diaries

Chapter 2 - Day 2

Day 2

      Saturday. Nothing great about them. I just spend hours in my bedroom, alone. Occasionally I go out with Kati, but it gets repetitive. There isn't much to do in a dead-end town, which caters to the type of people I am not included in. Hell, I'm not included in this type of society. I'm looked down on by everyone.

     My brother has a girl over. Not really surprising, but it gets really annoying. Especially because our rooms are right next to each other. I don't enjoy hearing moans when I am trying to be alone. This happens all the time. My mom doesn't do anything about it. As long as he doesn't father any children she doesn't care. Even then she wouldn't, because he's the golden child.

     I'm the child that made our father leave, the child that can't do anything right. The failure.

     The moaning begins. Natasha, my brother's hoe of the week, says something he probably considers sexy. I turn my music up. She gets louder. So does my music. This bitch doesn't quit.

     There's an angry knock at my door. When I don't answer, it continues. And continues. I get up and head to my door.

     There's my brother, standing there in nothing but his jeans. "Do you mind, Autumn?"

     "Do you mind, Nicholas?" He hates when I call him by his full name. He presses his lips tightly together and looks in the direction of his room.

     "Can you just turn your music down?" He rolls his eyes at me.

     "Can you just turn your bitch down?" I smile sarcastically.

     "Nicky!" A screechy voice comes from the next room. "I'm waiting!"

     Yet again, I smile sarcastically, nodding my head sideways toward his room, "Natasha is waiting for you, Nicholas."

     "Can you not?"

     "Can I not what, Nicholas?" I say in a sarcastically sweet voice. Meanwhile, my music is still blasting in the background.

     He closes his eyes and pinches the bridge of his nose. "Why can't you just be a normal sixteen year old girl?"

     "Sorry I don't live up to your standards." I slam the door in his face.

     Okay, that was not necessary. not. Sorry I'm not some prissy little bitch like the chicks you fuck with all the time. My sincerest apologies.

     If I was able to be normal, I would be. Why would I pick to be me if I was able to be someone else?

     My desk drawer makes a quiet creak as I slide it open. My box of razor blades sits there, staring up at me, calling my name. I take a shiny new one out of the box and lift up my shirt. New and old scars stain my stomach, memories of hard past times. I slice it in a place not as crowded as the others. The pain sinks in as the blood trickles out. I throw the blade back into my drawer and slam it shut. I turn off my music. I just want to be in silence.

     Too bad there's a porno going on next door.

     Shut the fuck up.

     I hear my mom walk into the house. She's home early. Not that she cares about my brother having sex. Pulling down my shirt, I trek over to my bed and flop down. She comes in without knocking, go figure.

     "Autumn, why don't you ever do anything productive?" She snaps at me.

     Hey, Autumn, how are you doing? Would you like me to make you dinner? Want me to order you a pizza? Want a hug?

     Yes, mom, I would love dinner and a hug, thanks for offering.

     Nope.

     I should probably add how she rarely provides me with dinner. Not that I really care anyway, since I barely eat anymore. Actually I've lost some weight, I'm pretty happy with that. Oh but she feeds my brother. You know, golden child.

     "Answer, you useless piece of shit."

     "I didn't try to step in front of a bus today, that's productive."

     "I mean something good."

     "Thanks. Please close the door on your way out."

     She huffs, then leaves, slamming the door behind her.

     Right outside the window in my bedroom there's a little balcony thing. Actually it's sort of an overhang over the back door. But it's flat and pretty strong. Sometimes I go out there and just sit, thinking about everything. I open up my window wide, and I climb out onto the balcony. It's raining, and the rain pours down onto me. It's cold yet warm, all at the same time.

     I pull my knees up and tilt my head down, touching my forehead to my knees. Then I cry, and cry. How did this even get like this? Why does my mom hate me so much? Why does everyone want me to be a different person? Why don't I know my dad? Why did my dad hate me? Why don't I have more friends?

     Why can't I kill myself now?

Thanks for reading! Please continue! Really, it means a lot to me. Comment/Vote!

Here's what I pictured Kati as! (Minus the glasses) She'll be described more in a few chapters!