Suicide Diaries

Chapter 5 - Day 5

Tuesday has to be the worst day of the week. It's too far from the weekend. There is no hope for Tuesday, not at all.

     My alarm sounds and I hit snooze. Then it goes off again and I press snooze. The third time it goes off I hear loud banging on my door followed by my brother yelling, "Get the fuck up already! I'm tired of hearing your goddamn alarm!"

     I groan and yank the cord out of the wall, appeasing my brother. After five minutes of laying and staring at the ceiling, I decide to get up. I stumble out of my room and into the bathroom, taking a cold shower because my brother used all the hot water. Towel drying my hair, I decide to let it dry naturally because who the hell cares how I look.

     Once back in my room, I dig through my drawer and settle on a grey sweatshirt with Defend Pop Punk written across it. There are a few tears on the sweatshirt, along with a few blood stains, but I could care less at this point. I pull on a pair of dark jeans and tie on my grey Converse sneakers. After brushing my teeth, I lay down on my bed and lift up my sweatshirt, revealing few places where scars or recent cuts don't exist. Yet at least. I reach over to my nightstand and pull a blade out of the drawer. I decide to slice right under my boobs, where I haven't cut in so long. I cut three times. When I sit up and put the blade away, I can feel my bra rubbing against the new wounds.

     My brother opens my door. "Unless you want to walk, get your ass into my car."

     I grab my backpack and head out to his car, a relatively new SUV (which he got for his seventeenth birthday because, you know, golden child). We drive to school in relative silence.

     When we get to school, Nick says, "See ya later, loser." Then leaves to go hang out with his friends, who are no doubt making fun of me. They laugh when I walk past them and into the building. I move so my bra rubs against the cuts, and I could feel a small trickle of blood roll down my torso.

     Kati rushes up to me, "So my mom walked in on me cutting this morning and took all my razors."

     My eyes widen at Kati. Unlike my mom, hers actually cares. Her mom wants her to be the ideal daughter and will pretty much give her anything she wants. "What did she say?"

     She runs her fingers over the scars on her arm, "She said she wants to get me 'help'. I don't want help; what the hell could a therapist even do for me at this point." She pulls down her shirt sleeve. "Do you have any razors I could have until I can get new ones?" I nod, reaching into my bag and pulling out a blade I have never used before. I hand it to her and she clutches it in her hand. "Thank you so much."

     Just then, Steven walks by, waving while saying, "Hey Autumn! Wanna sit with me at lunch again today?" He walks closer to me and Kati.

     Kati looks perplexed. I realize I didn't tell her that I sat with him yesterday. "Since when do you go to lunch?" She asks, glaring at Steven.  

     "He, uh, asked me to sit with him yesterday," I look at the ground, avoiding the gaze of Kati and Steven.

     "Are we gonna do it again?" Steven asks. Without even looking at him, I know he's smiling. Why is he so happy? I'm seriously not that great of a person. I feel like my brother is putting him up to this or something. He looks like he's in my brother's grade.

     "What grade are you in anyway, dude?" Kati asks, reading my mind.

     "I'm Steven by the way," Steven says, holding his hand out to Kati. Reluctantly, Kati shakes it. He continues, "I'm a junior. I actually just transferred recently. You guys are sophomores, right?"