Sweet & Dark Nothings

156. Tar

Out of the light come the shadows.
In the dark recesses of my mind.
Fear of what has yet to come.
Wondering if my life my always
Be in grays and blacks.
Never seeing my true potential.
Never to love what I do
Or who I am.
Never to be in love
Or know the love of a child.
My heart cracks and aches
More and more
With each passing year.
Wondering if I am too late.
Too far gone to expect or accomplish
These things with my life.
Dread and despair
Keep me so isolated
Weighed down with all the
Possible "what ifs?"
What if I were to love you
And you left me?
What if I am never
As special as I
Want to be?
What if my life is still just one
Never ending struggle after another?
Will I ever know freedom?
Happiness?
How much longer until I know for sure?
Another year? Two?
Should I just resign myself
To being alone and unfulfilled forever?
What can I say or do to move
Up and away from this unholy tar
That clings to me
And tries to drag me back down
Underneath the surface?
To rid myself of the poison that
Still seeps into my veins.
Where are my dreams?
And why are they so far away still?
What of you, love?
Why are you not with me now?
Will you ever be?
Can you tell me positively that
You shall come presently?
My soul aches to be one with yours.
A love everlasting that comes to pull
Me from the flames and hold me
Closest and dearest to his heart.
Someone who can understand me
And I him.
Those shadows of what may come
Or will never be.
Still I stand.
Sometimes with tears or fists
Pounding against the walls.
I want to be more than
This cage can hold.
Maybe I will.
Maybe one day I'll be in the sun
Warm and loved.
Until then...
Leave me alone in the shadows...