Kay's Diaries (Louis Tomlinson)

Seventeenth Entry: Missing Him

Okay, this is the penultimate entry of this book. I'll post one last entry after the chapter 37 of Bitter & Sassy. This entry belongs to chapter 35 and 36 of the main book, so read those first.

I know you always ask for Louis to find Roger, but that's too cliché even for me. I have other plans so just wait, okay?

Dedication to @Petrii. Next time you dance around the house due to an update I wanna see a video of that!

Bel, xx

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Seventeenth Entry: Missing Him

Hi there, Roger.

To be honest, I don’t even know why I keep writing on you. I mean I love you, you know that, but I started you, this journal, just to keep track of my progress with Louis but I’ve given up on him. It’s over. What’s the point on writing this? There’s no more progress to make, it all ended.

Louis had an epiphany, you know? When we were shooting his part of the documentary, somehow he finally saw what was clear all this time. I know he always knew all this, he knew he wasn’t okay and that he needed to get better. He knew he was being a douche and he was hurting the people who love him. But I also know he didn’t want to see the truth. I can’t blame him for that, though, it’s totally human. Admitting we’ve been wrong for so long is the hardest thing and even when a part of us knows the truth, we always have a hard time saying it out loud. In a way, I’m proud he finally could throw away the blindfold he’s kept on his eyes for so long, but it’s too late. He apologised to me, you know? He told me he was sorry and he finally recognised all what I’ve done for him.

Do you have an idea how much it hurt to hear him apologising?

Yeah, I know it doesn’t make sense, but it cut so deep. Why couldn’t he see that sooner? Why did it take him so long? Why does he have to be so proud and stubborn? I was mad that he had to see everything end just to admit he was wrong. I hate that I had to walk away for him to realise all this. He should’ve done it long time ago!

That’s why yeah, I can forgive him, but I just can’t really forgive him. Do you get what I mean? It hurts that he took so long to see the light and I’m tired and scared. Tired of all his bullshit and scared he may do this again. How can I know that if I make a mistake (which most likely will happen, I’m just a human and I’m not expert in relationships) he won’t go all ballistic again and start blaming all women? He has issues I can’t fix, even though I tried.

I’m done with the humiliation. I’m done with the pain he brings to my life. I’m done with all this and I need a break. I need peace. I’ve never fought for someone like I did for Louis, but I’m not strong enough for him.

Isn’t it funny that he was always scared of not being enough for someone when he is more than enough for me, but I can’t be enough for him?

The worst part, I still love him. I still miss him.

I’ve finished with the documentary shooting and I left. I was supposed to be with them the whole European tour but I talked to Jeannine and she allowed me to finish the editing part of the documentary at home, so I leave. I don’t have to hide from him anymore, I don’t have to avoid him, I don’t have to think that he is so near yet so far away at the same time. I can breathe and let myself feel. I guess I need the space and time to mourn on this.

So it’s been a couple of weeks since the last time I saw him and let me tell you, there’s no day I don’t think of him. I miss him and sometimes I think that I could take the risk, just because I feel there’s a hole in my chest and I know it has his name on it. It’s like Louis stole my heart and when I left I forgot to ask him to give it back. I know I would feel better with him, but at the same time I would be scared of the next moment he would blow off.

Love sucks, you know? It messes with your head and it makes you do stupid things, like thinking of calling him although you know he is an idiot, just because you wanna hear his voice again.

And it’s terrible because everything reminds me of him. It’s like I can relate to every single song I listen to. And it’s not funny because I’m always listening to music and it makes things harder. I try to work all the time, to keep my mind busy, but it’s hard. I have to edit videos where he’s in, I have to see him on my screen. Sometimes when I pause the scene I stay staring at his image, with a foolish smile on my lips and this painful feeling of longing in my chest.

My stupid Louis.

Sometimes I wonder for how long I’ll be able to stay away. I just miss him so much and I think that if he tries to apologise to me again I would forgive him just because I miss him. If I see him in the street I may throw myself at his arms just because I miss him. But I can’t do that, not without a proof he is better. At least one! That’s all I need. If he can show me he is doing better, that he is trying, I guess I could really forgive him and try again. I need to know he wants to get better, that’s the thing. All this time I kind of forced him to get better, but if I really want him to improve, it has to come from him.

But it’s Louis whom we’re all talking about. That stupid, stubborn arse I love so much. He won’t take the first step, he has to be pushed until there’s no other option but facing reality, so he will never come back to my door telling me he wants to get better and that he needs my help. He will never come back to ask me to be with him. He will never come here to show me proofs that I can trust him again.

How do you do to fall out of love with someone?

Wait… what’s that? Why is someone knocking at my door? Will, the caretaker of my building, never told me someone was coming. I’ll be right back, Roger. Maybe it’s Ryan, my neighbour.

Kay, x