Kay's Diaries (Louis Tomlinson)

Sixth Entry: Unplanned Feelings

Sunday and here we have another entry to tell what happened during the week from Kay's POV. This entry belongs to chapter 11 and 12 and I hope you understand a bit better now.

Dedication to my favourite commenter on the previous entry: @_allisonwonderland

Bel, xx

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Sixth Entry: Unplanned Feelings

Houston, we have a problem…

And I’m not kidding this time. You know when they say be careful with what you say because you may end up swallowing your words? Well, they weren’t kidding either. Kids at home, be careful with the things you say.

At the beginning I said that I was only going to help Louis; that I wasn’t going to have real feelings for him and once he didn’t need me anymore, I would step aside. Well, now I’m not that sure if I can do it.

Here’s the thing, I don’t only fancy Louis Tomlinson, I think I’m actually falling for him.

How? Why? I actually don’t know.

Am I crazy? Probably.

I know, oh I know how scarred he is, how broken and messed up; but I can’t help what I feel. I tend to avoid serious relationships because they are way too complicated, because I don’t like breaking my skull to figure things out, but I always knew that one day I was going to meet someone that would make me want to stay, someone who would stop me from walking away. I just never thought it was going to be this hard. Out of the whole male population, Bitter Louis Tomlinson had to be my exception, the one who would make me fight instead of just walking away looking for a different and easier option.

I’m choking in my own words, no need to say I told you so.

And it’s because I have these unplanned feelings for him that now it hurts.

Okay, this is the kind of person I am: I don’t care. People can insult me, people can try to hurt me but I will never let them get to me. I learnt long time ago that I have the power, that if I let people hurt me, I’m giving them the power. They have never had it. And this is easier to do when it’s just people passing by in your life, but when you start caring about those people, about their opinions is when you give them power to hurt you. But it’s not when Louis insults me that he hurts me, in fact, I rather when he does that. It’s when he doesn’t do anything, when he looks at me and all I see is white cold ice. It hurts because it makes me afraid that I’m fighting for a lost cause, it scares me because I’m afraid I can’t help him and now I really, really want to help him. Not change him, just help him to smile again. I just want to melt that ice in his heart and bring warmth again. But what if I can’t do it?

I kissed him the other day while my heart ached because he was staring at me like a dead man would stare at the nothingness and that broke my heart a little. But then he didn’t react at my kiss, he didn’t move, he didn’t flinch, he didn’t even yell at me for doing that. And that hurt so much because I’m afraid I can’t get to him anymore.

Before that I was sure I knew how to get to him, how to push his buttons, but I don’t know that anymore. I’m terrified that he is worse now and I don’t know why he changed so suddenly. One day he was all rage and emotions, the next he was cold and numb. No one could get something out of him. Harry asked me to do something, to make him wake up because this dead-like Louis was scaring him and he didn’t know what to do. But I couldn’t do anything either!

I care so much now and when I look at him it seems impossible.

But then, for the gig with Prodigy –which, by the way, was epic!– when Mila kicked him in the balls –yes, I did yell at her for that. It wasn’t necessary– and he was in pain, when he held on to me for dear life I thought something had changed. I thought that the iceberg had melted and he was back, with his rage and everything. I held him, I took care of him and my chest ached because he was in obvious pain. I just wanted to make things easier for him, to take the pain away and only bring bliss… but then he recovered and he stared at me with ice in his eyes again. The daggers he sent in my direction were made of the coldest ice on the planet and they ended right in my heart.

I can’t believe how much his coldness is breaking me now and I just want him to react somehow. Even his bitterness is better than this, but I don’t know how to get to him again. And this is so frustrating… so hurtful I– I’m ashamed to admit I cried.

Alex found me in a room in the theatre, hugging my legs with my face hiding between my knees. Sobbing. In that moment I hated that I care so much, that I’m falling for an idiot who can’t see the stupid things he is doing. Sometimes I just want to slap him and force some sense into his head, but then I just want to hold him and sooth that pain away.

He makes me so conflicted!

When she found me she hugged me and told me to be strong. That she was sorry for Louis being an arse and that she wished I could meet the real Louis, not just this part of him. I cried in her shoulder, confessing her why it hurt so much. She told me she knew about words backfiring in her face and just to distract me, she told me how she met Niall and how things were two years ago.

It helped… but the pain was still in my heart, the fear that I may not be enough to help him. But I can’t give up, not when there’s still a bit of hope that things can get better. For a moment there in the dressing room he looked at me differently, he held on to me and if that happened once, it may happen again. Even if I have to hit him myself to make his wall crack, I have to keep fighting.

I’ve never fought for someone else in my life. I’ve always looked after myself and no one else, I’ve always been myself against the world. My family has been my backup, but I always fought my battles alone and for the first time I feel there’s someone I want to fight for and I just can’t give up now.

What is going to happen later? I don’t know. I’ll figure that out then, for now I just have to focus on helping Louis.

Until the next time.

Kay, x