Kay's Diaries (Louis Tomlinson)

Fifteenth Entry: Love Me Back

Okay, Sunday and here's the entry that summarises all the chapters of the week in B&S... and this week there have been loads! 15th entry belongs to chapter 29, 30, 31 and 32.

Dedication to @Anonymous_Tomboy. If you find a place where it's legal to marry a book, let me know. You have my permission to marry this one.

Bel, xx

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Fifteenth Entry: Love Me Back

Dearest Roger!

My most sincere apologies for I have not had the time to write! So? Do you feel like in a Jane Austen’s novel? I bet you do. No, but really, I haven’t had time lately, it’s been crazy and I’m working really hard on the documentary, even when we’re in a break. I really want this to be the best. I mean, it’s also gonna be my thesis, it has to be amazing. And if million of people will watch it… even more. I’m done with Niall, Zayn and Liam’s parts, so only Harry and Louis are missing. I’ll work with the curly-haired one next and then, Louis. I have to work hard to give him space, even more when all in my wants to be close.

Oh yeah… about Louis. Sometimes I forget you are here only to register my progress with Louis, that’s the reason I started writing you, in the first place.

Well, things have been crazy. First, it was the whole thing in Italy with this Louis’ jealousy show. Seriously, that guy has massive issues. At least he could accept he likes me, right? But he can’t even do that. And it scares me somehow because, what’s gonna happen when he accepts what we have and we’re together? Is he going to be this annoyingly jealous? I’m not used to this, I’m not good with possessive people. I’m not an object and I hate when they think they can own me. Probably, that’s why I reacted so badly every time Louis said something harsh to Dave. I mean, after the game? That was so disappointing and I felt like he was insulting me by thinking I could choose another so easily after all I’ve done for him. Yes, I know I’m not the one with the cleanest history regarding relationships, but I’ve endured so much for him. If I were to change him so easily, I would’ve done it long time ago.

So I was really disappointed in him but then he came to apologise for insulting not only Dave, but everyone else after he lost the game. At least I know that was a punch in his stubborn self. I shouldn’t have forgotten him so easily, but it’s Louis. He is my weakness, I guess. And I know he realised he’s been a dick all this time. He is improving, I have to be patient.

Wanna know something cute? We went clubbing the other day in Italy and Louis had some drinks. Harry practically tossed the Doncaster boy at me and as every time he has alcohol in his veins, he lost his inhibitions and let himself go. So we had an amazing night, we had fun and he kissed me… all the time. Believe me, it was wonderful. I’ve punished him you know? I won’t take the first step anymore, so if he wants something between us, he has to make the move. With this I’m pushing him to accept his feelings sooner.

Anyways, when I carried to his dorm, he grabbed me by the waist and buried his face in my back. “Please don’t go,” he said over and over again. I believe he meant more than just for the night. I hugged him and didn’t let go of him until we woke up the next morning. Nothing happened… that night.

Oh right, Louis called me the other day. Yes, he called me. To go see him. At his flat. The poor fella was having a bad time, too many memories and he needed help. I did my best. I honestly think he needs to let go of the memories and the pain, to shout and scream so he can finally move on.

We had an amazing night. And I swear with every kiss I fall deeper and deeper for him.

And then we had a wonderful day! For a moment I thought he would never accept a day-off. I proposed him to forget everything and for one day to let go and enjoy. And he accepted it and that day together made me realise one thing: I really, really want to be with him. It would be so nice, fun and easy to be with him.  Having him around makes me feel great, so happy. I’ve been with loads of people, but no one has made me as happy as Louis during that day. Yes, he is a pain in the arse most of the time —like ninety per cent of the time— but I really love him. And I want him to love me back, but he is scared. I see that.

No matter how amazing our day together was, he still couldn’t choose me by the end of the day. I know he wants us, but he is too afraid to take it.  I honestly don’t know what’s stopping him. I’ve made so clear for him my feelings, yet he still ignores me.

I know a part of him is still holding on to Eleanor and I kind of hate her, just because Louis loved her so much. I don’t think he will ever love me like that. I think that if we are together one day and we break up, he would never react like this. He would never be this affected by me. Okay, it’s not hatred, it’s jealousy because Louis loved her so much, a part of him maybe stills loves her, but he can’t even take a chance with me.

He will never love me back, right?

He likes me, I know he wants me and there’s something between us… but he will never love me. Not like he once loved Eleanor, not like I love him. And that pains so deeply.

This is why I’ve avoided to fall in love all these years, because you can never be sure if the other person will love you the same way. But if you don’t expect anything, if it’s only physical, then they can’t hurt you.

Louis made me so happy in one day together, but he has hurt me so bad for so long, and I’m still here. I guess I’m a masochist bitch, aren’t I? He has insulted me, he has rejected me, he has humiliated me in front of everyone… and I’m still here, waiting for him to make his mind.

And he will never love me back.

What did Eleanor do to win his heart like that? Why after so many months he still can’t move on? What can I do to make him love me this time? I promise I would take care of his heart, I would never let him go.

Ugh, seriously, I’m becoming a wimp. I can’t even stand myself. And now I’m depressed. I need ice-cream and loads of work so I can’t think of Louis.

Later, Roger.

Kay, x