Kay's Diaries (Louis Tomlinson)

Eleventh Entry: Fight For Him

Okay, Sunday and here you have the entry that belongs to chapters 21 and 22 of Bitter & Sassy. Hapy reading!

Dedication to @Just_a_weird_girl! Now you have to fight for her hehee

Bel, xx

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Elevnth Entry: Fight For Him

The name is Evan… Kay Evans…

Okay, I suck. I give up. I shouldn’t be watching James Bond, but I need to keep my mind out of some things, you know? When people say “don’t fall in love, it’s way too much trouble!” They are right. Man, I had totally forgotten what it was like. For so many years I was just living the moment, never actually falling in love. I really liked Rachel, but it was never like this. Nor even with Nate —my first boyfriend, the arsehole who slept with another girl whilst he was still with me— I felt like this. Louis —that damn stubborn boy— makes me feel like no one ever has, and maybe that’s the reason I can’t give up.

Of course he left the next morning, of course he pretends it was a mistake, that it ever happened and he blames it on the alcohol, but I know that by when we arrived to my flat, the alcohol had left his system already and he was very much conscious of what we were doing. He can’t lie to me!

I like to observe human behaviour and I guess that’s why I like making movies, you know? I like to portray real people, I like to see how the act and then show the same in my work. So, of course, I’ve observed Louis very carefully. I just can’t help it; he fascinates me. He is so stubborn and he is scared, like a little puppy that was abandoned in the middle of a rainy night, afraid of accepting that hand that comes to help him. I’m sure he sees I only want the best for him, but he is not willing to accept the risk. Every decision has a risk, otherwise it would be easy to make them. There’s always something we may lose, we just have to ponder the pros and the cons and take the best option. I believe Louis is blinded, he doesn’t even want to see the pros of accepting what we have. But I see them…

We would have so much fun! We could go out and joke and laugh at everything, facing life with a carefree attitude. He wouldn’t be that sour all the time, I bet he wouldn’t even snap at other people. He would be nicer to fans and others, as well. He can be really mean, and he is a teen celebrity, he shouldn’t be like that. He has forgotten he is where he is because of girls, because all those fans that he now refuses to smile at. And I would do my best to remind him to be humble. I would keep his feet on the ground.

I would do everything for him… if he’d only let me.

I know he wants to forget everything that happened; but he can’t and I won’t let him. Even if I have to drive him nuts, I won’t let him believe it was a drunken mistake because it was not. What happened between us is special and I won’t give up on him. Not until he stops hurting himself. He can’t hate Eleanor if he wants, he can’t blame her for everything wrong in the world, I don’t care! But he can’t blame everyone for what happened and most certainly, he can’t shut everyone out because there’s a risk someone may hurt him.

I know he is afraid of not being enough, but he is so damn blind! He is enough for me, yet he doesn’t care. He is my only exception, the person that makes me want to fight and never give up, the person that makes me feel I can face anything just to protect him. How can’t he see how much he means to me now? I’ve never felt like this and he doesn’t even want to try. I can’t give him alcohol all the time for him to accept what’s between us, because there is something even if he doesn’t want to accept that yet!

Argh! Stupid Louis. I swear, I love him but at the same time I hate him. He makes things so complicated when everything could be so easy. I could help him to forget everything that happened with Eleanor, I could show him something so much better… but he doesn’t want that because there’s a risk —a stupid risk, let me tell you because I don’t think there’s someone better than Louis for me— I may find someone better. Can you believe it? Stupid Tommo!

And then he comes to my room and asks me to keep quiet because he doesn’t want anyone to know. What does he think I am? Uh? A fucking high school boy that goes bragging about whom he slept with? Of course I wouldn’t tell anyone! What happened is between the two of us and no one else. Okay, and you, Diary, but you won’t tell anyone.

Diary, you need a name. I shall call you Roger.

Anyways… I was saying, I won’t go telling anyone because what happens between Louis and I inside my room is not their business, but it really offends me that he thinks I would. He doesn’t even bother to get to know me, although I’ve been open to him all this time. God damn it! He really infuriates me.

But you know something, Roger? —it’s fun and crazy talking to a notebook… I like it— I like to infuriate him, as well. That’s why I push his buttons down so much, since the very beginning. But it has a purpose, I promise! I taunt him, I drive him mad and annoy him because I’m just trying to break his shell. I want him to stop hiding his head in his arse and open his eyes, I want him to break that walls he has built around himself and be the person he really is. I know it’s weird, but I promise it works. When you’re mad, you can’t really control yourself. Same that happens with alcohol, you lose your filters. That’s what I’m doing with Louis, trying to make him lose control over his boundaries until it gets too hard to raise his walls again.

See? I don’t just annoy him, I’m trying to achieve something.

I honestly love him… I know it’s hard to believe. Me? In love with someone? But it happened… it’s not like I’m gonna tell him or anything, but I know what I feel and because I love him, I shall fight for him. Hard. Until he is okay, until he stops hurting himself. If he stops hating on every woman, if he accepts that what happened with Eleanor doesn’t mean that it will happen with everyone else, and still doesn’t want to be with me; then I’ll accept it. Because I love him, I said that already, and I want the best for him. If when he is himself —I’m not saying the old Louis, but the real one— he decides he doesn’t want to be with me, then I’ll give up and let him walk away. Only if that’s what he really wants and he doesn’t say it just because I’m a woman, but until then, I’ll do my best to win his heart.

Who would’ve thought I was going to end up like this? Certainly not me. Man, Louis makes me work hard for him.

Okay, that’s all… I think something is going on outside and I want to check everything is okay. Maybe I can get a good shot for the documentary. Later, Roger!

Kay, x